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July 30, 2015 - J.J. Abrams

  • Episode: 20138
  • Views: 206,844

Republicans battle for a place at the primary debates, Seth Rollins presents a look back at show sponsors, and J.J. Abrams discuses "Mission: Impossible - Rogue Nation." (21:29)

>> Jon: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOMETO "THE DAILY SHOW"!

MY NAME IS JON STEWART!

WE GOT A NICE ONE TO CELEBRATETONIGHT.

TONIGHT, A YOUNG GENTLEMAN BYTHE NAME OF J. J. ABRAMS WILL BE

JOINING US ON THE PROGRAM.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I'M VERY EXCITED TO TALK TOHIM ABOUT ALL HE'S WORKING ON.

BUT BEFORE WE DO THAT -- I'M SO NOSTALGIC LATELY!

LET'S TAKE A TRIP BACK IN TIME.

(LAUGHTER)

JOIN ME, WON'T YOU?

THE YEAR WAS 20-OUGHT-12.

"LINCOLN" TAUGHT AMERICA SLAVERYWAS BAD.

CARLY RAE JEPSEN SUGGESTED WECALL HER -- BUT OF COURSE, MADE

IT CLEAR WE DIDN'T NECESSARILYHAVE TO.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THE REPUBLICANS TOOKAN OLD-FASHIONED ELECTORAL

CLOBBERING, WHEN THE BESTC.G.I. ARTIST AVAILABLE COULD

NOT MUSTER A LIFELIKE VERSIONOF MITT ROMNEY.

IT WAS THE WORST NEWS FORREPUBLICANS SINCE 2008, WHEN

THEY TRIED TO DEFEAT OBAMA WITHTHE WORLD'S ANGRIEST MAN AND

WHAT TURNED OUT TO BE SIXMEDIUM-CLEVER RACCOONS STACKED

LIKE A HUMAN WOMAN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY-- NEVER TRUST RACCOONS IN A

PANTSUIT?

NO!

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: FAILUREIS A LEARNING EXPERIENCE.

>> THE FUNDAMENTAL PROBLEM WE'RETRYING TO ADDRESS IS ACTUALLY

HAVING PEOPLE IN THE COMMUNITYTO MAKE THE CASE TO HISPANICS

AND TO WOMEN.

>> THE PERCEPTION THAT WE'RE THEPARTY OF THE RICH,

UNFORTUNATELY, CONTINUES TOGROW.

>> FOCUS GROUPS DESCRIBED OURPARTY AS NARROW-MINDED, OUT OF

TOUCH AND, QUOTE, STUFFY OLDMEN.

>> Jon: CONTINUING...

QUOTE, SHRIVELED ANGRY MUMMIES,WRITHING, ALMOST HYPNOTIZED

UNDER A BILLIONAIRE-FUNDED MONEYSHOWER, RAINING WAR AND

DESTRUCTION THROUGHOUT THEHEMISPHERES.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S ALL.

REALLY.

SO THE SELF-DIAGNOSED PROBLEMWITH THE REPUBLICANS IN 2012

WAS YOU THEIR IMAGE, BEINGABUNCH OF RICH, OUT OF TOUCH,

OLD WHITE MEN, ALIENATINGLATINOS AND WOMEN.

THEY HAVE BEEN WORKING TO FIXTHAT.

-- I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT'SCOMING NEXT.

>> DONALD TRUMP IS THE CLEARLEADER OF THE REPUBLICAN PACK,

MAKE NO MISTAKE.

>> THIS POLL SHOWS 20% OFREPUBLICANS BACK DONALD TRUMP,

7% AHEAD OF HIS CLOSEST RIVALS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: YES!

THE LIVING EMBODIMENT OFEVERYTHING REPUBLICANS WERE

TRYING TO EXORCISE FROM THEIRPARTY JUST ESCALATED DOWN ON

THEIR PARADE.

>> I'M REALLY RICH.

THE TOTAL IS $8,737,540,000.

WHEN MEXICO SENDS ITS PEOPLE,THEY'RE BRINGING DRUGS, THEY'RE

BRINGING CRIME -- THEY'RERAPISTS.

SHE WANTED TO BREAST PUMP INFRONT OF ME, AND I MAY HAVE SAID

THAT'S DISGUSTING.

I MAY HAVE SAID SOMETHING ELSE.

I THOUGHT IT WAS TERRIBLE.

SHE'S A HORRIBLE PERSON --

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: HOW'S THAT OUTREACHGOING TO LATINOS AND WOMEN

AGAIN?

(LAUGHTER)

LISTEN, I'M SURE TRUMP WAS ONLYDISGUSTED ABOUT BREASTFEEDING.

IT WAS THE FIRST TIME HEREALIZED, WHOA, BOOBS CAN DO

THAT?

WHAT?

THAT'S THE CRAZIEST THING I EVERSAW.

(LAUGHTER)

TRUMP IS EVEN WORRYINGTHE G.O.P.'S MOST IMPORTANT

CONSTITUENTS, THE SIX HORSEMENOF THE CASH APOCALYPSE, WHO

FINANCE CAMPAIGN REPUBLICANCAMPAIGNS, I CAN ONLY ASSUME

FROM THEIR SINISTER SUB-TERRANEAN SWAP HEADQUATERERS.

>> SOEM BIG REPUBLICAN DONORSARE GETTING WORRIED ABOUT HOW

THINGS ARE GOING IN THEREPUBLICAN PARTY.

>> THESE ARE THE INVESTORS INTHESE CANDIDACIES, AND THEY'RE

WORRIED ABOUT WHAT KIND OFDAMAGE HE MIGHT BE DOING ON THE

DEBATE STAGE.

>> Jon: THIS TRUMP GUY IS ARICH, CRAZY, EGOTISTICAL

MONSTER!

PEOPLE LIKE HIM ARE SUPPOSED TOBUY THE CANDIDATES, NOT BE THEM!

(LAUGHTER)

IN OUR SYSTEM OF GOVERNMENT,ONE BRANCH HAS THE MONEY, AND

THE OTHER BRANCH DOES WHAT THEONE BRANCH WITH THE MONEY TELLS

THEM TO DO!

HE'S SCREWING THE WHOLE POOCH!

(LAUGHTER)

BUT EVEN IF THE RNC CAN'TCONTROL THE CANDIDATES... OR

THEIR MESSAGE.. OR THE VOTERS...OR THE IRRATIONAL, EMOTIONAL

DESIRES RULING THE VOTERS, THEREIS ONE THING THEY CAN CONTROL.

>> WE NEED TO CONTROL THEDEBATES, THE PARTY NEEDS TO

CONTROL THE DEBATES.

>> THE REPUBLICAN THUNDERDOME.

TOP TEN CANDIDATES FROMTHE FIVE MOST RECENT NATIONAL

POLLS WILL MAKE THE MAIN STAGE.

>> IT IS STILL ANYONE'S GUESS ASTO WHO EXACTLY WILL

TAKE THE STAGE.

>> THEY'RE TRYING DESPERATELY TOBOOST THE POLL NUMBERS.

>> SO WHO GETS A SPOT?

>> Jon: WILL IT BE YOU?

(LAUGHTER)

I MEAN THAT LITERALLY. YOU.

YOU SHOULD STOP WATCHINGAND CHECK THE POLLS JUST IN CASE

ONE OF YOUR FRIEND PUT YOUR NAMEIN AS A PRANK AND YOU'RE NOW

DOING BETTER THAN LINDSEYGRAHAM.

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU NEED TO START PLACING PLANETICKETS TO CLEVELAND.

SO...

THEY'RE GOING TO CHOOSE BASED ONTHE POLLS.

BUT WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN, I DON'TKNOW, THE LAST FOUR QUALIFYING

SPOTS FOR YOUR DEBATE ARE LOCKEDIN A STATISTICAL TIE WITHIN

THE MARGIN OF ERROR OF YOURPOLLS?

>> IF YOU'RE IN THE TOP TEN INTHE POLLS, YOU'RE IN. IF NOT,

YOU'RE OUT.

>> FOX, WHICH HOSTING THEDEBATE, HASN'T REVEALED

PRECISELY WHICH POLLS IT WILLUSE TO DECIDE WHO IS ON STAGE.

>> Jon: AH.

SO BASICALLY THEY'RE GOING TOLOOK AT THE POLLS AND ROGER

AILES IS GOING TO PICK WHOEVERHE WANTS.

OR, AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT HE TOLDME IN OUR SECRET MEETING...

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THE BIG PROBLEM FOR THEREPUBLICANS SEEM TO BE THAT THEY

WANT THEIR CANDIDATES TO BECIVIL AND MORE ACCESSIBLE TO

MINORITY OUTREACH, BUT THE ONLYWAY TO GET MORE NOTICED AND

QUALIFIED FOR THE DEBATES IS TOTAKE ON THE ABSUVIE CHEET-O

DUST-FACED ELEPHANT IN THEROOM.

>> IF MY NUMBERS GO UP JUSTBECAUSE I CALL DONALD TRUMP A

JACKASS -- I MEAN, THAT'S NOTWHY I WANT TO RISE IN THE POLLS.

>> RIGHT.

>> Jon: I DON'T WANT TO BEJUDGED BY MY IMPERTINENT

LANGUAGE, SPOKEN HARSHLY TO AYANKEE FINANCIER AND

SCALLYWAG!

I WANT TO BE JUDGED BY THEPURITITY OF MY LINEAGE AND MY

FAMILY'S SWEET TEA RECIPE!

AND LET ME TELL YOU THIS, THESECRET INGREDIENT IS -- SUGAR!

HOW FAR HAS TRUMP LOWERED THEDISCOURSE IN SIX WEEKS SINCE HE

CANNONBALLED IN THE RACE?

>> FOSTER FRIESS, WHO WROTEBACKED RICK SANTORUM IN 2012

WROTE TO THE 16 CANDIADTES OUTTHERE, QUOTE --

WOULD YOU JOIN THE EFFORT TOINSPIRE A MORE CIVIL WAY OF

MAKING POINTS IF THEY DRIFT OFFTHE CIVILITY RESERVATION, LET'S

DON'T IMMEDIATELY COMMUNICATETHAT TO THEM --

>> Jon: THAT FROM A GUY WHONOT ONLY BACKED A CANDIDATE WITH

A NAME SYNONYMOUS WITH SOMETHINGYOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW, BUT

CONSIDERS THIS A CIVIL WAY OFDISCUSSING WOMEN'S HEALTH CARE.

>> BACK IN MY DAYS THEY USEDBAYER ASPIRIN FOR

CONTRACEPTIVES, THE GALS PUT ITBETWEEN THEIR KNEES.

>> Jon: AHHH!

WELL, JUST BE THANKFUL THAT MOSTOF THE OLDER REPUBLICAN DONORS

ONLY SHOOT COBWEBS AND DUSTPARTICALS.

SERIOUSLY, EVERY TIME HEEJACULATES, IT'S LIKE OPEN AGO

VERY OLD BOOK.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW, MR. CHAIRMAN --

(APPLAUSE)

MR. CHAIRMAN, DID YOU EVERCONSIDER THAT MAYBE THE G.O.P.'S

PROBLEM ISN'T HOSTILEMODERATORS OR A LIBERAL MEDIA OR

TOO MANY DEBATES OR NOT ENOUGHSPANISH LANGUAGE LEAFLETS?

MAYBE THE PROBLEM IS REGISTEREDREPUBLICANS IN THEIR HONESTLY

APPRAISAL OF THE STATE OF OURNATION, THE ISSUES MOST

IMPORTANT TO THEM AND THE 17COMPETING VISIONS OF AMERICA'S

FUTURE OFFER HAVE DECIDED THISIS WHAT THEY LIKE.

>> THEY'RE RAPISTS --

>> Jon: REINCE.

GET OUT NOW!

THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDETHE HOUSE!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK TO THEPROGRAM!

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

NOW THAT MY RUN HERE IS COMINGTO AN END --

>> Audience: AWWW!

>> Jon: REALLY?

I WANT TO TALK ABOUT SOME OF THEPASSIONS I HAVE AND SOME OF THE

THINGS I WANT TO PLAN UPON MYDEPARTURE.

THE FIRST THING I'M GOING TO BEDOING IS, WHAT I CALL, DROPPING

SOME PHAT BEATS.

I HAVE GOTTEN MYSELF A TURNTABLEAND A MICROPHONE -- ACTUALLY,

IT'S A TURNTABLE WITH A BUILT-INMICROPHONE, YOU CAN TURN IT LIKE

THAT.

I HAVEN'T BOUGHT ALL THEEQUIPMENT YET, BUT WHEN I DO --

I'M GOING TO REMIX SOME BASSREVERB -- LET ME TURN THIS UP.

>> STEWART.

HEY, STEWART, I'M BACK!

>> Jon: OH, NO!

WWE WORLD CHAMPION AND POSTERCHILD FOR THE AUTHORITIES SETH

ROLLINS WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> OH, DON'T PLAY DUMB, STEWART.YOU KNOW WHY I'M HERE.

>> Jon: ARE YOU GOING TO BREAKMY NOSE LIKE JOHN CENA'S THE

OTHER NIGHT ON RAW?

IS THAT WHAT THIS IS?

>> NOT A BAD IDEA, BUT, NO,THAT'S NOT IT, STEWART.

I'M HERE TO CALL YOU OUT FOR THECORPORATE MONKEY THAT YOU REALLY

ARE!

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

>> Jon: SO YOU HAVE SEENWRESTLING...

(LAUGHTER)

I'M THE CORPORATE MONKEY?

>> MM-HMM.

>> Jon: REALLY?

BECAUSE I JUST BOUGHT MY SONSETH ROLLINS SUNGLASSES TO GO

ALONG WITH HIS SETH ROLLINSCOOZIE TO GO ALONG WITH HIS SETH

ROLLINS BRACELET AND HISCOMFORTABLE, YET STILL

FASHIONABLE, SETH ROLLINSSANDALS!

>> WHOA. WAIT, I HAVE SANDALS?

>> Jon: YES.

>> HEY, SCREW YOU, STEWART!

YOU SIT THERE IN YOUR FANCYCHAIR AND YOUR FANCY SUIT AND

YOU PRETEND TO BE A MAN OF THEPEOPLE...

THE TRUTH IS YOU WILL DOANYTHING TO APPEASE THE

CORPORATE OVERLORDS.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

>> Jon: I'VE GOT THIS!

>> BUT, HEY -- BUT, HEY, THAT'SACTUALLY KIND OF WHAT I LOVE

ABOUT YOU, STEWART.

YOU DON'T SELL OUT, YOU BUY IN.

♪♪

>> Jon: IT'S TIME FOR "THE DAILYSHOW" EBOLA UPDATE BROUGHT TO

YOU BY ARBY'S --

ARBY'S: SEE? A LOT OF THINGSCAUSE DIARRHEA.

A JOKE BROUGHT TO YOU BYMICHAEL'S.

MICHAEL'S: IT'S A GODLESS(BLEEP) WITH YARN.

PANDA EXPRESS -- WHEN YOU NEEDPANDA MEAT AND YOU NEED IT FAST.

LOEWS HARDWARE: THE ONE-STOPHOME IMPROVEMENT SHOP THAT

LEGALLY CAN'T PREVENT US FROMPRETENDING THEY SPONSOR OUR

BALL SEGMENT.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY MACE --

MACE: WHEN SOMEONE STANDING INFRONT OF YOU AND YOU WANT THEM

TO MOVE.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY SKY BIDETS.

SKY BIDETS: YOU WORK HARD, BUTYOUR TAINT SHOULDN'T HAVE TO.

HERPES: IT'S LIKE CONGRESS ONYOUR DICK.

AQUAFRESH: IT'S LIKE BRUSHING YOUR TEETH WITH A COLORFUL

ZEBRA.

GOPRO: WHAT DOES YOUR CAT DOALL DAY?

ARBY'S: THE MEAL THAT'S A DAREFOR YOUR COLON.

ARBY'S: COME FOR THE TWEETS...

RUN FROM THE MEATS.

ARBY'S: WHY NOT CHALLENGE YOURSTOMACH TO A FIGHT?

ARBY'S: ISN'T THERE ANYWHEREELSE WE CAN EAT?

FOR WHEN YOU'RE WONDERING WHATIT TASTES LIKE WHEN A COW DIES.

THE HANNITY OF ROAST BEEFSANDWICHES.

TECHNICALLY, IT'S FOOD.

YOU THINK PAIN AND GRIEF AREHARD TO DIGEST.

ARBY'S --

PROOF JON STEWART CANNOT DESTROYA BRAND BY TELLING PEOPLE WHAT'S

IN IT.

PIG ANUS AND CHEESE! PIG ANUSAND CHEESE!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: THANK YOU, THAT WAS VERYKIND OF YOU TO DO THAT.

OH, HEY, SETH. REMEMBER THE TIMEILL KICKED YOU IN THE BALLS ON

LIVE TELEVISION?

>> YEAH, ACTUALLY, I DO, AND I'MGOING TO KICK YOUR ASS FOR THAT.

NOT NOW, YOUR STUPID LITTLE SHOWDIDN'T PAY ME THAT MUCH, RIGHT?

>> Jon: SETH ROLLINS, EVERYBODY.WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

I'M COMING FOR YOU, ROLLINS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK!

MY GUEST TONIGHT, A WRITER,A DIRECTOR, A PRODUCER, AUTHOR.

HIS LATEST FILM HE PRODUCED ISCALLED "MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE -

ROGUE NATION."

(REVVING ENGINES) ♪♪

(REVVING ENGINES) ♪♪

(REVVING ENGINES) ♪♪

>> Jon: I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU,THAT I HIS REAL HAIR, I'M

CONVINCED.

PLEASE WELCOME TO THE PROGRAM,J. J. ABRAMS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)♪♪

>> Jon: PLEASE, SIT. ENJOY.

>> THANK YOU, SIR. NICE TO SEEYOU.

>> Jon: NICE TO SEE YOU.

I HAVE TO TELL YOU, THAT'S ABEAUTIFUL TIE.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Jon: THAT'S AN UNUSUALDESIGN, BUT I LIKE IT VERY MUCH.

>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> Jon: DO YOU HAVE A -- THATSHOULD BE FROM THE ABRAMS

COLLECTION?

>> I DON'T KNOW WHERE IT CAMEFROM.

I DON'T KNOW.

>> Jon: I CAN TELL YOU WHEREIT CAME FROM, A SWEETSHOP IN

MALAYSIA.

YOU ARE TERRIBLE--

(LAUGHTER)

NO, THAT'S NOT TURE, I MADE THATUP.

YOU PRODUCED "MISSIONIMPOSSIBLE."

THIS IS THE FIFTH ONE IN THESERIES.

SO LET'S TALK ABOUT "STAR WARS."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I'M A FAN, NOT JUST OF THESERIES OF YOURS, AND I'M EXCITED

TO SEE WHAT YOU DO WITH THIS.

TELL ME, RIGHT NOW, UH --EVERYTHING.

EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED AND IFTHERE ARE HOBBITS IN IT, WHICH

WOULD BE THE GREATEST THINGEVER.

>> I WILL ANSWER THAT QUESTION,BUT I FIRST NEED TO SAY, PLEASE,

THAT -- PLEASE --

>> Jon: PLEASE.

NO, YOU.

>> I'VE GOT TO SAY THIS.

HERE I AM, HONORED TO BE ON YOURSHOW.

>> Jon: YOU HAVE BEEN ONBEFORE.

>> BUT THIS IS YOUR LAST SHOW,ISN'T IT?

>> Jon: NO, NO, NEXT WEEK.

>> SO THE HOLE THAT IS GOING TOBE LEFT BEHIND IS GOING TO BE

SEISMIC, MASSIVE.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: YOU KNOW WHAT WILL FILLIT?

>> WHAT'S THAT?

>> Jon: OTHER TELEVISION,INCLUDING THIS SHOW.

>> NO, HONESTLY, THE NARRATIVEYOU HELPED GIVE US ABOUT HOW TO

NAVIGATE THE MADNESS THAT ISTHIS WORLD CANNOT BE OVERSTATED.

>> Jon: THANK YOU, VERY KINDOF YOU.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: LET ME TELL YOUSOMETHING...

I REALLY WAS JUST TRYING NOT TOGET FIRED.

(LAUGHTER)

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN FIRED FROMA JOB?

HAS THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?

>> WELL, AS A WRITER, I HAVEBEEN REPLACED.

THEY DON'T REALLY FIRE YOU, YOUJUST DON'T GET CALLS ANYMORE AND

YOU'RE, LIKE, I GUESS I'M NOTWORKING ON THIS ANYMORE.

>> Jon: IN OUR WORLD, THAT'SCALLED BEING FIRED.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT WHAT ABOUT BEFORE THATWHEN YOU -- WERE YOU A GUY THAT

TOOK A JOB, STUCK WITH A JOB,DID WELL WITH A JOB, WAS

WELL-LIKED AND RESPECTED AT THERESTAURANT OR WHEREVER IT WAS

YOU WERE WORKING?

>> YOU KNOW, WHEN I WASWORKING -- I WORKED AT COMIC

BOOK STORES AND RESTAURANTS ANDICE CREAM, BUT I WOULD GOOF OFF

WITH PEOPLE AND INSULT THEM BYMISTAKE AND --

>> Jon: AND GET FIRED.

>> YEAH, AND THEN GET FIRED.

BUT I ALWAYS LIKED HAVINGJOBS BECAUSE I ALWAYS FELT LIKE

I HAD A PURPOSE.

>> Jon: THIS "STAR WARS" THINGHAS ME SO EXCITED I DON'T KNOW

WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF.

>> I'M SO GLAD.

>> Jon: I HEAR ITS FOCUS ISALMOST ENTIRELY ON JAR JAR

BANKS.

(LAUGHTER)

TELL ME ABOUT HIS JOURNEY.

>> JAR JAR'S JOURNEY?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: CAN I ASK YOU ABOUTSOMETHING SERIOUSLY?

>> YES.

>> Jon: HARRISON FORD IS INTHIS.

THE IDEA THAT HAN SOLO IS BACKIS SO EXCITING TO ME.

(APPLAUSE)

BUT I'M WATCHING, HE WAS FLYINGA PLANE SOLO OR SOMETHING --

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: -- AND HAD TO DITCH ITON AMELIA EARHART ISLAND OR

CRASHED IT INTO A FACTORY ANDWALKED AWAY AS IT BLEW UP BEHIND

HIM?

>> THE GUY IS LIKE A REAL-LIFESUPERHERO.

HE SHOULD HAVE THAT LITTLEMARVEL LOGO ABOVE HIS NAME.

WE WERE FILMING A SCENE ANDTHERE WAS AN ACCIDENT ON SET.

THERE WAS A HYDRAULIC DOOR THAT BLEW OFF AND HE WAS PUSHED

DOWN ON SET, AND HIS ANKLE GOES90 DEGREES, AND HE'S DOWN THERE

AND HE'S TOUGHING IT OUT.

HE'S A SUPER HUMAN BEING.

HE'S LITERALLY LYING THEREMAKING JOKES.

THIS DOOR HAD GONE DOWN AND I'MTRYING TO LIFT IT UP --

BECAUSE THAT'S THE KIND OF GUYI AM --

(LAUGHTER)

-- SO I'M TRYING TO LIFT UP THISDOOR.

AND I FEEL A POP IN MY BACKAND I GO, THAT'S WEIRD.

SO I GO TO THE DOCTOR AND HE SAID, OF YOU HAVE A BROKEN BACK.

I HAD BROKEN MY BACK.

I BROKE MY 0-4 TRYING TO LIFTTHIS DOOR.

>> Jon: YOU BROKE YOUR BACK!

>> SO A FEW MONTHS LATER, I'MSTILL WEARING THIS REALLY SILLY

BACKBRACE UNDER MY SHIRT --

NO ONE KNOWS, I DIDN'T TELLANYONE.

HARRISON FORD COMES ACROSS THESTAGE, SPRINTS AT ME FASTER

THANLY EVER RUN, AND HE'S, LIKE,HEY, J. J.!

I'M, LIKE, HI, HARRISON FORD!

OH, IT HURTS TO TALK THAT WAY.

SO I FELT LIKE THE MOST JEWISHDIRECTOR EVER --

(LAUGHTER)

HE'S, LIKE, A MIRACLE MAN ANDI'M, LIKE --

(IN A WOODY ALLEN VOICE) EXCUSEME, MR. DARTH VADER. COULD YOUBE

MORE EVIL?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: WHAT HAPPENED FIRST, THEPLANE CRASH OR THIS THING?

>> THE PLANE CRASH IS RECENTLY.

BY THE WAY, HE WAS INJUREDTHERE, TOO.

WE WENT TO COMIC-CON AND HEBOUNDS OUT ON STAGE.

>> Jon: DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE IS?>> WHAT'S THAT?

>> Jon: HE IS UNBREAKABLE.

YOUR BACK --

>> I'M FINE.

>> Jon: WHEN YOU WERE TELLINGUS, THE ONE THING I WAS --

NOBODY NOTICED YOU WERE WEARINGA BACK BRACE?

YOUR CO-WORKERS COULDN'T BE,LIKE, J. J.'S GETTING FAT.

>> NO, IT'S LIKE SPANKS, THEYKEEP YOU TOGETHER.

I FELT A LITTLE BIT LIKE I WASON "BAYWATCH."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: CAN I SAY SOMETHING?

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: THAT PLEASES ME.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S SO NICE -- CAN I SAY THANKYOU SO MUCH FOR COMING AND BEING

A PART OF OUR LAST LITTLERUN HERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT A FAN I AM OF YOURWORK AND YOU AS AN INDIVIDUAL.

MY PLEASURE TO HAVE YOU, THANKYOU FOR BEING HERE.

"MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE - ROGUENATION" IN THEATERS FRIDAY!

"STAR WARS"! J.J. ABRAMS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)♪♪

>> Jon: THAT'S THE SHOW,EVERYBODY!

REMEMBER, NEXT WEEK IS OUR LASTWEEK.

WE'VE GOT AMY SCHUMER, WEGOT DENIS LEARY, WE GOT LOUIS

C.K.

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BALL AND ICAN'T WAIT TO SHOW MY

APPRECIATION FOR ALL THESUPPORT AND ENTHUSIASM YOU'VE

GIVEN THE SHOW ALL THESE YEARS.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

NEXT WEEK, TUNE IN, GOING TO BEA BALL.

THAT'S OUR SHOW. HERE IT IS,YOUR MOMENT OF ZEN.

>> I'M CURIOUS AS TO WHAT YOUTHINK ABOUT POTENTIALLY NOT

HAVING A PLACE IN THE DEBATES.

WE HAD A PRETTY INTERESTINGCONVERSATION --

>> I THINK IT SUCKS.

>> YEAH.

>> I THINK IT SUCKS.

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