October 14, 2010 - David Rakoff

  • Episode: 15133
  • (0)

Oprah Winfrey has a gift for The Daily Show audience, and David Rakoff defends pessimism.

>> Jon: HELLO, WELCOME TO "THE

DAILY SHOW".

MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN AUTHOR OF

SOME RENOWN -- YOU ARE VERY KIND

OF ONE OF OUR FAVORITE GUESTS

AUTHOR DAVID RAKOFF IS HERE TO

TALK ABOUT HIS BOOK "HALF EMPTY.

THE TITLE IS HALF EMPTY BUT THE

BOOK IS FULL OF FUN.

THAT'S THE BLUSH THEY REFUSED TO

USE.

NOT FAR FROM THE RALLY AND NO

IDEA WHAT TO WEAR.

CHRISTINE O'DONNELL FINALLY GOT

A CHANCE TO PUT THE MASTERBATION

AND WITCHCRAFT TOPICS AWAY AND

GET DOWN TO WHAT VOTERS IN

DELAWARE CARE ABOUT.

>> YOU DIDN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT

THE COMMENTS YOU MADE YEARS AGO

ABOUT WITCHCRAFT IN STUFF LIKE

THAT BUT IN THIS COMMERCIAL

WIDELY SEEN YOU BEGIN THE

COMMERCIAL WITH THE WORDS I AM

NOT A WITCH.

>> WHAT WERE WITH YOU THINKING?

>> TO PUT IT TO REST.

>> DIDN'T YOU REALIZE IT WOULD

REVIVE IT AND EVERYBODY WOULD WE

TALKING ABOUT THAT?

>> Jon: HEY, HEY, TAKE IT DOWN

A NOTCH WHITE BEARD.

YOU ARE A STAFF AND A CLOAK AWAY

FROM GETTING TENURE AT HOGWARTS,

BUDDY.

SERIOUSLY.

I MEAN WOLF BLITZER.

J.K. ROWLING WISHES THEY THOUGHT

OF THAT NAME.

>> BRAVO!

BRAVO!

RAPIR WITT AS ALWAYS.

>> Jon: WHO SAID THAT.

>> Stephen: I SAID THAT.

FOR BEHOLD IT IS I, STEPHEN

COLBERT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: STEPHEN HOW DID YOU --

HOW DID YOU DO THAT?

>> JON, I AM A WITCH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jon: YOU'RE A DUDE,

WOULDN'T YOU BE A WARLOCK?

>> SILENCE!

>> Jon: I THOUGHT A WITCH WAS

A WELL AND A WARLOCK.

CAN I HELP WITH YOU ANYTHING?

WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE HOST IS

HERE.

>> Stephen: MAY I SIT?

>> Jon: SURE, YOU MAY.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Stephen: CHAIR, CHAIR,

CHAIR ME.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT ON EARTH -- WINE SPEULTS

SPRITZER DOWN THERE?

I HAVE A MAXI FRIDGE.

>> Jon: SO WHAT DO YOU WANT?

>> Stephen: WANT, JON?

CAN'T A FRIEND STOP BY ANOTHER

FRIEND'S SHOW DURING THE TAPE OF

SAID FRIEND'S SHOW WITHOUT THERE

HAVING TO BE A REASON?

PLEASE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: YOU DIDN'T GET A RALLY

PERMIT, DID YOU?

YOU DIDN'T GET A PERMIT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Stephen: JON, I'M AN

AMERICAN CITIZEN.

I SHOULDN'T NEED A PERMIT.

I PAY TAXES.

NATIONAL MALL IS MY BACKYARD.

WOULD I NEED A PERMIT TO HELD A

100,000 PERSON GETTOGETHER IN MY

BACKYARD?

YONCH I WOULD THINK YOU WOULD

NEED A PERMIT FOR THAT IN ANY

NEIGHBORHOOD ACROSS THE COUNTRY

YOU WOULD NEED THAT.

>>

>> Stephen: I DON'T HAVE ONE.

CAN YOU ADD ME TO YOUR PERMIT?

>> Jon: WE'VE DONE A LOT OF

WORK HERE.

WE HAVE A STAGE.

WE HAVE A BIG SHOW PLANNED.

WE HAVE GUESTS.

>> Stephen: I'VE BEEN

LISTENING TO YOUR MESSAGE,

MISTER, ABOUT SANITY.

WE HAVE TWO PEOPLE DOING GREAT

RALLIES ON THE SAME DAY IN

WASHINGTON, D.C.

WOULDN'T IT BE THE MOST

REASONABLE THING FOR US TO

COMBINE OUR RESOURCES AND PUT

TOGETHER ONE AMAZING RALLY.

>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW, STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: JON, JON --

>> Jon: THIS IS HIGHLY --

>> Stephen: YOU'VE GOT TO WALK

THE WALK.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

THIS IS OUR RALLY PERMIT.

I GUESS.

[LAUGHTER]

SAYS RIGHT HERE NATIONAL MALL

PERMIT RALLY TO RESTORE SANITY.

I CAN'T IMAGINE YOU COULD FAKE

ONE OF THESE.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M GOING TO PUT YOUR NAME IN.

I'M GOING TO HANDWRITE YOUR NAME

IN BECAUSE I THINK THAT'S HOW IT

WORKS.

WHILE I'M HERE I MIGHT AS WELL

ADD MINE.

>> Stephen: JON.

>> Jon: IT'S DOWN STAOERPBLGTS

JON, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: STOP IT.

>> Stephen: CAN I SEE THAT.

I WANT TO TAKE A LOOK AT THAT.

THAT IS GREAT.

AH-HA!

YOU MADE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF

YOUR LIFE JON STEWART OR SHOULD

I SAY NEV,IL CHAMBERLAIN.

>> Jon: IF I'M NEVIL

CHAMBERLAIN THEN YOU --

>> Stephen: SILENCE.

YOU TOOK IN THE TROJAN HORSE.

I'M GOING TO RAISE MY TROJAN

TAIL AND TICK A HUGE TROJAN.

>> Jon: I GET IT.

>> Stephen: I SAW UNTO YOU ON

OCTOBER 30 COME ONE COME ONE TO

THE RALLY TO RESTORE SANITY AND

OR FEAR!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: HOW DID YOU ALREADY

MAKE A POSTER.

WE ALREADY HAVE A POSTER.

>> Jon: WE'RE JOINING

TOGETHER.

>> Stephen: YES, JON.

I THINK I HAVE SOMETHING IN MY

POCKET.

IT'S YOUR MOJO, I TOOK IT.

HMMMM MOJO.

MOJO.

>> Jon: GIVE IT BACK.

GIVE ME BACK MY MOW JOE.

>> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU GOING

TO DO CRY TO YOUR MOMMY.

>> Jon: YOU WISH I WOULD CRY

TO MY MOMMY.

YOU'VE DONE IT NOW, MISTER, YOU

ARE GOING TO PAY.

>> STEPHEN, HI, STEPHEN --

>> Stephen: YES, YES!

>> Jon: HELLO?

>> STEPHEN COLBERT --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HI, STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: IS SHE RIGHT

BEHIND ME.

>> Jon: HI OPRAH IT'S NICE TO

SEE YOU.

STEVEN STOLE MY MOJO.

>> I SAW THAT I GOT SOMETHING

FOR YOU, TOO, STEPHEN.

JON, REMEMBER YOU WERE ON ON MY

SHOW.

>> Jon: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

IT WAS LOVELY TO SEE YOU.

>> I LOVED.

THAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT HOW I

WAS TAKING MY AUDIENCE TO

AUSTRALIA.

>> Jon: I REMEMBER THAT.

>> YOU SAID YOUR AIDANCE NEVER

GETS ANYTHING.

>> Jon: WELL, THE TICKETS ARE

FREE.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT IS SOMETHING.

>> WHEN I HEARD THAT, THAT MADE

ME FEEL JUST A LITTLE BIT SAD.

>> Jon: OH, REALLY.

>> I KNOW THAT YOU'VE GOT THIS

HUGE EVENT COMING UP.

>> Jon: A RALLY.

>> AND I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT

IT BECAUSE I THINK THAT WE NEED

A LITTLE BIT MORE SANITY IN THE

WORLD.

>> Jon: IT WOULD BE NICE.

IT WOULD BE NICE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Stephen: I'M NOT BUYING IT.

I'M NOT BUYING IT.

>> I'M NOT FOR THE FEAR PART BUT

THE SANITY PART.

I WANTED TO SHOW MY SUPPORT FOR

YOU, JON, AND ALSO FOR YOUR

AUDIENCE.

>> Jon: VERY KIND OF YOU.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

FOR YOUR AUDIENCE --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

-- SO HERE IS WHAT I DID, I HAD

MY STAFF SNEAK INTO YOUR STUDIO

EARLY THIS MORNING WITH A LITTLE

GIFT.

OKAY?

>> Jon: CAN I TELL WHAT YOU IS

WEIRD ABOUT THAT?

WE HAVE NO SECURITY HERE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Stephen: HOSE HOW I GOT --

THAT'S HOW I GOT IN.

>> Jon: WHAT DID YOU GET THEM?

MAY I --

>> THIS IS IT, "THE DAILY SHOW"

AUDIENCE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LOOK UNDER YOUR SEATS!

>> Jon: LOOK UNDER YOUR SEATS.

WHO IS UNDER THERE?

[SCREAMING]

YOU ARE GOING TO THE RALLY.

YOU'RE GOING TO THE RALLY.

YOU'RE GOING TO THE RALLY.

EVERYBODY IS GOING TO THE RALLY!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NOW GET OUT THERE AND RESTORE

SOME SANITY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: THANK YOU OPRAH.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, OPRAH.

>> Jon: THANK YOU, BYE, BYE

THANK YOU.

>> Stephen: I HAVE TO SAY,

YOUR RALLY --

[LAUGHTER]

I MUST SAY, JON, JUST FOR THE

RECORD YOUR RALLY IS SUPPOSED TO

BE ABOUT SANITY AND THAT WAS

INSANE.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: THAT'S INSANE FOR

NORMAL PEOPLE.

LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING THAT IS

NOT INSANE FOR OPRAH.

OPRAH COULD HAVE BUILT THESE

PEOPLE AN ARK, FLOODED THE

ENTIRE NORTHEAST CORRIDOR AND

RODE INNED THEM TO THE RALLY.

>> Stephen: SHE CAN DO THAT?

>> Jon: SHE HAS HER OWN

NETWORK OF ANGELS.

STEPHEN COLBERT AND ME OCTOBER

30, NATIONAL MALL, RALLY TO

RESTORE SANITY AND OR FEAR.

>> Stephen: LET'S DO THIS!

BOOM!

>> Jon: AND --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Stephen: AND -- SEE YOU

THERE, JON.

>> Jon: SEE YOU THERE.

>> Stephen: I'M OFF!

[LAUGHTER]

I'M OFF!

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: AH, STEPHEN, ACTUALLY

THE GREEN SCREEN IS TURNED OFF,

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

MY GUEST TONIGHT A BEST SELLING

AUTHOR.

HIS LATEST BOOK IS CALLED "HALF

EMPTY."

PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW

DAVID RAKOFF.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

>> NOT MUCH THANK YOU FOR HAVING

ME.

>> Jon: PLEASE, WHAT HAVE YOU

BROUGHT FOR OUR AUDIENCE TONIGHT

[LAUGHTER]

>> I'VE BEEN EATING SO MUCH

CANDY BACK STAGE THAT I'M ABOUT

TO BURST INTO TEARS.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: ONCE AGAIN HILARIOUS

BOOK.

THERE'S A WARNING ON THE BOOK:

NO INSPIRATIONAL LIFE LESSONS

WILL BE FOUND IN THESE PAGE.

IT TURNS OUT TO BE TRUE

ACTUALLY.

>> Jon: TELL ME ABOUT THE

PHILOSOPHY OF THE BOOK?

>> THE BOOK IS MEANT TO BE A

DEFENSE OF PESSIMISM, MELAN

COLLIE, ALL OF EMOTIONS A SELF

SELECTING GROUP SHALL WE CAN

JUST CALL THEM JEWS --

[LAUGHTER]

-- MIGHT FEEL IS THEIR SORT OF

BASELINE.

>> Jon: DID NOT SEE THAT

COMING.

[LAUGHTER]

>> THE BASELINE -- THE BASELINE

WAY YOU WOULD SEE THE WORLD

TURNS OUT TO BE AS VALUE NEUTRAL

AS HAVING BRORN BROWN EYES.

OPTIMISM IS BROAD BASED

NONDETAIL ORIENTED THINKING.

>> Jon: I'M PESSIMISTIC BY

NATURE BUT OPTIMISTIC BY FORCE.

I FORCE MYSELF TO GO THROUGH

HISTORY.

I HAVE P, RELL BUT I REALIZE 200

YEARS AGO WE POOPED IN THE WATER

WE DRANK.

>> EXACTLY.

>> Jon: SO I LOOK AT IT --

WHAT I DO IS I DEAL WITH MY OWN

NEUROSES AND TRY TO PLACE THEM.

>> THE ONLY THING THAT GIVES ME

HOPE RIGHT NOW IS THAT THINGS

ARE CYCLICAL.

THAT GIVES ME HOPE.

>> Jon: REALLY?

DON'T YOU THINK PEOPLE IN

ANCIENT TIMES, BUBONIC PLAGUE

THEY DON'T HAVE NEUROROTTIC

PEOPLE THEN.

I MIGHT GET THE TYPHOID.

NEUROSES IS A LUXURY TO SOME

EXTENT.

>> I THINK THE MORE PESSIMISTIC

PEOPLE STAYED ILLUMINATING

MANUSCRIPTS OR MAKING

TELESCOPES.

>> Jon: TO MAKE SURE THERE

WERE NO ASTROIDS GOING TO HIT

US.

>> EXACTLY.

>> Jon: WAS YOUR WORLD VIEW IN

ANY WAY VALID DATED AS YOU WERE

THIS -- THIS PESSIMISTIC WORLD

THROUGH THIS WILL MELAN ALCOHOLY

DID -- MEL ANDCHOLY.

>> MY EDITOR SAID YOU SEEM TO

HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ACCESSION

PLEASURE OR FEELING JOY.

WHY DON'T YOU WRITE ABOUT THAT.

THE BOOK WAS UNDERWAY AND IT WAS

LATE FOR A LONG TIME.

I HAD A PINCHED NERVE IN MY ARM

SOEUFS LIKE TWO YEARS -- SO I

WAS TWO YEARS LATE.

MY EDITOR WAS SYMPATHETIC TO A

POINT BUT IT WAS A PINCHED NERVE

MY ARM WAS ON FIRE FOR TWO

YEARS.

TURNS OUT A TUMOR WAS PINCHING

MY NERVE.

IT WAS GREAT THOUGH --

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: CAN I JUST SAFER THAT

THOSE TWO SENTENCES JUSM AT THAT

POSES.

IT WAS A TUMOR BUT IT WAS GREAT.

>> IF YOU WRITE ABOUT LOOK AT

THE WORLD IN ALL OF ITS FLINTY

AFFLICTED DARK REALITY.

>> Jon: RIGHT.

>> THE ULTIMATE MONEY WHERE WRUR

MOUTH IS MOST REALLY MR. SMART

GUY, MR. NEGATIVE, MR. I FEEL SO

BAD, BOOM, TUMOR.

[LAUGHTER]

SO IT AT LEAST --

[LAUGHTER]

SO THAT POINT YOU CAN TO YOUR

EDITOR AND GO, I TOLD YOU SO.

>> EXACTLY.

SO THE BOOK WAS REALLY LATE

BECAUSE OF THAT BECAUSE THEN I

HAD RADIATION AND SURGERY AND

CHEMO.

>> Jon: TO ME, AGAIN, YOU LOOK

GREAT.

YOU LOOK HEALTHY AND VITAL.

HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

>> I FEEL FINE.

I'M CURRENTLY IN CHEMOTHERAPY.

>> Jon: RIGHT NOW.

>> NOT IMMEDIATELY RIGHT NOW BUT

YES.

>> Jon: RIGHT NOW AS WE SPEAK

YOU ARE HAVING CHEMO?

THIS IS WHAT I WONDER ABOUT SORT

OF OLD WELL WOODY ALLEN CONNUMB

DRUM PEOPLE THAT WORRY, WHEN

THEY HAPPEN --

>> >> A RELIEF?

>> Jon: YES.

>> YES, IT'S LIKE WAITING FOR

RAIN AND THEN IT RAINS.

AH.

KINDS OF.

>> Jon: DO YOU GO I BET IT

TURNS IN A TORNADO.

WHAT HAPPENS AT THAT POINT?

>> HERE IS THE THING: WHEN IT

TURNS OUT TO BE YOUR OWN

MORTALITY ON THE LINE PEOPLE

TEND TO BE QUITE OPTIMISTIC

ABOUT THEIR LONG-TERM CHANCES OF

SURVIVAL.

THE WILL TO KEEP ON GOING IS

INCREDIBLY STRONG.

I DO FEEL -- THEREFORE DOES IT

EXTEND TO OPTIMISM ABOUT THE

ROBERTS COURT?

NO.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: YOU FEEL LIKE THE

CANCER YOU CAN TAKE CARE, THE

ROBERTS COURT --

>> CITIZENS UNITED WE'RE JUST

COMPLETELY SCREWED.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: THAT HAS MIDWEST TAFT

SIZED -- MA TAFT SIDES.

>> PRECISELY.

>>.

>> Jon: DO YOU LIKE YOUR

CAREGIVERS?

THEY THEY PUMP YOU UP?

>> THEY DON'T.

THEY RECOGNIZE ME FOR WHAT AND

WHO I AM.

THERE WAS A STUDY THAT SHOWS

THAT THE LONG-TERM MORTALITY

WITH PEOPLE WITH LOUSY ATTITUDES

IS NO DIFFERENT THAN PEOPLE WITH

GREAT ATTITUDES.

YOU CAN BE THE WORST BASTARD ON

THE WARD AND YOU WILL NOT DIE AT

ANY GREATER RATE THAN OTHERS.

PEOPLE WILL SIMPLY BE GLADDER

WHEN YOU DO.

[LAUGHTER]

ALL THAT POSITIVE OUTLOOK I'M

NOT -- ALL OF THAT SORT OF I'M

GOING TO CHEMOTHERAPY IN MY

SKY-HIGH JIMMY CHOO, CRAZY SEXY

CANCER.

IF YOU CAN'T DO THAT, IF YOU

CAN'T ENACT A SEX IN THE CITY

EPISODE ON YOUR WAY, IF YOU FEEL

LOUSY ALL THE TIME IT'S NOT YOUR

FAULT.

I DON'T SUBSCRIBE TO THAT.

IT'S BALANCED BUDGET AMENDMENT

VICTIMY TO ME.

>> Jon: THAT'S AN INTERESTING

TAKE ON IT.

WHEN YOU ARE A BASTARD YOU ARE

REQUIRING -- YOU ARE CALLING

UPON THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS.

THERE'S THE NURSE COMING IN --

>> YOU WILL GET BED SORES.

>> Jon: YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET'S GIVE HIM A SPONGE BADGE

WITH THE BRILLOWS.

>> YOUR ROOM WILL SMELL LIKE A

HOBO CAMP.

BELIEVE ME.

>> Jon: THAT HAS TO BE YOUR

NEXT BOOK.

>> IT IS.

>> Jon: YOUR ROOM WILL SMELL

LIKE A HOBO CAMP.

I'M PLEASED TO SEE YOU LOOKING

SO GOOD AND BEING SO SHARP.

>> THANKS, MAN.

>> Jon: ALWAYS GREAT TO SEE

YOU.

HALF EMPTY IS ON THE BOOKSHEL

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