June 28, 2011 - Louis C.K.

  • Episode: 16084
  • (0)

Rod Blagojevich has much to look forward to in prison, and Louis C.K. deconstructs fart jokes.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

[APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY

SHOW."

MY NAME IS JIEWRTDMENT WE EACH

GOT A SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WE HAVE A SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

I'M TELLING YOU, IT IS A SHOW

THE POPE WOULD TWEET ABOUT.

MY GUEST TONIGHT IS LOUIS CK.

VERY FEW OF YOU KNOW THIS, BUT

THE CK IS SHORT FOR [BLEEPED]

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, MAN.

ALL DAY WE'RE HERE WRITING, ALL

DAY.

BUT WE BEGIN TONIGHT WITH NEWS

OUT OF ILLINOIS.

YOU MAY REMEMBER ABOUT A YEAR

AGO FORMER GOVERNOR ROD BLAH...

[STUMBLES OVER NAME] TOURED THE

COUNTRY PROMISING HE'D BE

VINDICATED OF ALL CHARGES.

HE VISITED THE "DAILY SHOW"

WHERE I MADE A PROMISE TO HIM.

AGAIN, IF YOU GET OFF SCOT-FREE,

THERE'S A HUG WAITING FOR YOU.

>> I'M DETERMINED TO WORK EVEN

HARDER TO GET THAT.

>> Jon: WELL, TONIGHT I HAVE

SOME VERY GOOD NEWS TO REPORT.

I WILL NOT HAVE TO HUG ROD

BLAGOJEVICH.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

AND HERE'S WHY:

>> IN CHICAGO TODAY, THE JURY

SAID GUILTY 17 TIMES AS THE

FORMER ILLINOIS GOVERNOR ROD

BLAGOJEVICH WAS CONVICTED OF

ATTEMPTED DISTORTION, BRIBERY,

CONSPIRACY AND FRAUD.

>> Jon: 17 FELONY CONVICTIONS,

OR AS THAT'S KNOWN, A CHICAGO

DOZEN.

[LAUGHTER]

ON HIS WAY TO THE KRAUS TO HEAR

THE VERDICT, BLAH...

[STUMBLES OVER NAME] WAS

UNUSUALLY CIRCUMSPECT

>> MY HANDS ARE SHAKY, MY NEEMS

ARE WEEK, I CAN'T SEEM TO STAND

ON MY OWN TWO FEET.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: QUOTING ELVIS ON YOUR

WAY TO HEAR A CRIMINAL VERDICT

AND YOU GO WITH "ALL SHOOK UP"?

"JAILHOUSE ROCK" DOESN'T COME UP

IN THAT?

"SUSPICIOUS MINDS"?

♪♪

I'M CAUGHT IN A TRAP ♪♪

NOTHING.

OF COURSE, THAT WAS ON HIS WAY

TO THE VERDICT BEING READ.

AFTER WORDS, BLAH...

[STUMBLES OVER NAME] WANTED

PEOPLE TO KNOW THAT HE'D LEARNED

HIS LESSON.

>> AMONG THE MANY LESSONS I'VE

LEARNED FROM THIS WHOLE

EXPERIENCE IS TO TRY TO SPEAK A

LITTLE BIT LESS, SO I'M GOING TO

KEEP MY REMARKS KIND OF SHORT.

>> Jon: YOU WEREN'T CONVICTED

OF NOT BEING CONCISE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOUR WORDS ON OBAMA'S SENATE

SEAT, "I'VE GOT THIS THING AND

IT'S [BLEEPED] GOLDEN AND I'M

JUST NOT GIVING IT UP FOR

[BLEEPED] NOTHING."

THAT'S ACTUALLY QUITE SUCCINCT.

BUT ROD BLAH...

[STUMBLES OVER NAME], HIS

BEFORE-AND-AFTER REANGSTS ARE

BUT SMALL PART OF WHAT'S TRULY

ASTONISHING THING ABOUT THIS

STORY.

THE TRULY ASTONISHING PART OF

THIS STORY IS ROD BLAGOJEVICH IS

THE FOURTH OUT OF THE LAST SEVEN

ELECTEDDED GOVERNORS OF ILLINOIS

TO BE CONVICTED OF A FELONY.

FOUR OUT OF THE LAST SEVEN.

57%.

IF YOU WERE AN INDIVIDUAL IN

ILLINOIS, YOU WOULD HAVE A

BETTER CHANCE OF AVOIDING JAIL

BY FLIPPING A COIN, HEADS BEING

JAIL, TAILS BEING NO JAIL, THAN

BY BEING ELECTED GOVERNOR OF

ILLINOIS.

LET'S SAY YOU'RE THE PRESENT

GOVERNOR OF ILLINOIS AND YOU'RE

IN A ROOM WITH A FORMER GOVERNOR

OF ILLINOIS ON YOUR RIGHT AND A

FORMER GOVERNOR OF ILLINOIS ON

YOUR LEFT.

CHANCES ARE THE ROOM YOU'RE IN

IS JAIL.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

FOR MORE WE GO LIVE TO JOHN

OLIVER.

HE JOINS US FROM THE GATES OF

THE FEDERAL PRISON IN MARION,

ILLINOIS.

JOHN OLIVER, TELL US A LITTLE

BIT...

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

I'M SORRY.

TELL US A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THE

PRISON WORLD TWO ROD BLAGOJEVICH

IS VERY LIKELY ENTERING INTO.

>> HAPPY TO.

JON, THE EXCITING THING FOR ROD

BLAGOJEVICH ISN'T JUST THAT

HE'LL BE SURROUNDED BY OTHER

ILLINOIS GOVERNORS, IT'S THAT

ALL THREE BRANCHES OF ILLINOIS

GOVERNMENTS ARE WELL REPRESENTED

IN THIS PRISON.

[LAUGHTER]

PRISON LAWS CAN BE MADE BY THEIR

MANY CONVICTED LEGISLATORS.

THOSE SAME LAWS INTERPRETED BY

THEIR CONVICTED JUDGES.

IT'S REALLY ABOUT CHECKS AND

BALANCES.

>> Jon: I UNDERSTAND.

HOW DOES THE GOVERNOR,

EX-GOVERNOR SURVIVE IN PRISON?

>> SIMPLY PUT, JON, HE BETTER

GET IN GOOD WITH THE PRISON

LOBBYISTS.

[LAUGHTER]

OBVIOUSLY THAT WILL REQUIRE

TIRELESS CIGARETTE FUND-RAISING

AND ACCESS TO THE BEST TOILET

WINES.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: OUT OF RANDOM

CURIOSITY, WHAT WOULD

DISTINGUISH A GOOD TOILET WINE?

>> PEOPLE ARGUE ABOUT TANNINS

AND THINGS, BUT MOST

CONNOISSEURS WILL TELL YOU IT'S

ALL ABOUT THE URINE CONTENT.

YES.

JON AND LACK THEREOF I WOULD

SUPPOSE.

ABAPPALLING RECORD OF OFFICIAL

CORRUPTION IN ILLINOIS.

HOW CAN THAT STATE BREAK THE

CYCLE OF GOVERNMENT CRIMINALITY?

>> JON, IT'S ABOUT GETTING TO

THE CHILDREN OF ILLINOIS BEFORE

THEY GET LURED INTO THE MURKY

WORLD OF ELECTED OFFICE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: THAT'S INTERESTING.

JOHN, CAN YOU HELP US OUT AND

HELP THE PARENTS AT HOME?

WHAT ARE SOME WARNING SIGNS

PARENTS CAN KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR.

>> JON, THAT'S SUCH AN IMPORTANT

QUESTION.

PARENTS HAVE TO BE ENGAGED IN

THEIR CHILDREN'S LIVES TO SPOT

THE RED FLAGS.

>> Jon: AND WHAT WOULD THOSE

BE, JOHN?

SUCH AS?

>> FOR STARTERS, JON, POSTER

BOARD, MAGIC MARKERS, THAT TYPE

OF PARAFA NAIL THAT CAN BE

INDICATIVE THAT THEY HAVE

ASPIRATIONS TO RUN FOR STUDENT

COUNCIL.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: SO EVEN STUDENT

COUNCIL IS BAD?

>> WELL, IT'S A GATEWAY OFFICE,

JON.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: JOHN, I HAVE A FRIEND.

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT HIM,

A TEENAGER.

HIS SON IS A TEENAGER, RECENTLY

TURNED SULLEN AND COMBATIVE, AND

HE'S QUITE SECRETIVE.

>> WELL, LUCKY HIM, JOHN, HE'S

OKAY.

A TIME TO WORRY IS WHEN YOUR

CHILD BECOMES SUSPICIOUSLY

EXTROVERTED, IF HE'S SUDDENLY

FOND OF CORNY JOKES OR LIKES TO

WALK AROUND THE DINNER TABLE

SHAKING HANDS AND ASKING, WHAT'S

GOOD HERE?

WHAT ARE WE EATING?

WHEN THE NEIGHBORS BRING A BABY

OVER, DOES HE KISS IT REPEATEDLY

ON THE CHEEK OVER AND OVER AGAIN

LOOKING FOR THE CAMERAS?

IF SO, BING, YOU HE COULD BE

LOOKING AT FOUR TO EIGHT YEARS

IN THE ILLINOIS STATEHOUSE

FOLLOWED BY 15 TO 20 YEARS IN

PRISON.

>> Jon: TERRIFYING, JOHN.

DO YOU THINK IT'S GETTING

THROUGH TO THE NEXT GENERATION?

>> WE CAN ONLY HOPE, BUT IT'S

NOT FOR LACK OF TRYING.

ALREADY THEY'RE LAUNCHING A

STATEWIDE CAMPAIGN TO KEEP KIDS

ON THE RIGHT TRACK.

TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN, JON, TALK

TO YOUR KIDS BEFORE IT'S TOO

LATE.

>> Jon: THANK YOU SO MUCH,

JOHN OLIVER WITH THAT

SHOW.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

FOR THE PAST I'M GOING TO SAY

LIKE 12, 13 YEARS, FOX NEWS AND

I HAVE BEEN HAVING KIND OF A

FUN, LIGHT-HEARTED AND I THINK

EXTREMELY PRODUCTIVE

CONVERSATION ABOUT WHICH ONE OF

US IS THE BIGGER ASSHOLE.

THEY, PERHAPS NOT SURPRISINGLY,

BELIEVE IT IS ME.

WHEREAS I HAVE TAKE AN DIFFERENT

APPROACH AND TEND TO LEAN

TOWARDS THE IDEA IT IS PERHAPS

THEM.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

NO, NO, NO.

AS OF NOW WE HAVE AGREED TO

RESPECTFULLY DISAGREE.

BUT OVER THE PAST FOUR DAYS I

BELIEVE FOX HAS BEGUN WHAT

APPEARS TO BE THEIR CLOSING

ARGUMENTS.

>> JON STEWART SAYS HE'S BOTH

LIBERAL AND FAIR.

IS HE REALLY IN

>> DID JON STEWART MOCK

REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL

CANDIDATE HERMAN CANE BECAUSE

HE'S A BLACK MAN?

>> A CLOSER LOOK AT WHY THE

COMEDIAN GETS AWAY AT HIS

ONE-SIDED ATTACKS.

>> JON STEWART NEEDS A LESSON ON

TRUTH-TELLING.

>> WHY IS JON STEWART IN DENIAL

ABOUT HIS LIBERAL LEANINGS?

>> HERMAN CAIN SAYS COMEDIAN JON

STEWART WAS MOCKING HIM.

>> HERE IS AN EXAMPLE OF JON

STEWART'S BIAS.

>> JON STEWART GETS HIS VIEW

FROM THE LEFT BUT CAN'T ADMIT

HE'S A LIBERAL MOUTHPIECE.

>> HERMAN CAIN ON HIS FEUD WITH

POLITICAL SEQUESTER JON STEWART.

>> JON STEWART BREAKS INTO HIS

AMOS AND ANDY ROUTINE TO MOCK

HERMAN CAIN.

>> JON STEWART TRIES TO DISGUISE

HIS TRUE LIBERAL BIAS.

>> JON STEWART SAYS HE'S BOTH

LIBERAL AND HE'S FAIR.

LET'S SEE HOW THAT'S WORKING

OUT.

>> Jon: I GUESS EVERYONE GOT

THE MEMO.

[LAUGHTER]

DO YOU WANT TO BRING YOUR WHOLE

NETWORK TO THE THROWDOWN?

YOU WANT TO GO CHANNEL 44 VERSUS

CHANNEL 45?

OBVIOUSLY THAT'S THE CHANNEL

CONFIGURATION OF TIME WARNER IN

THE NEW YORK AREA, YOUR LOCAL

LISTINGS WHERE COMEDY CENTRAL

AND FOX ARE WOULD BE MORE

ACCURATE.

OF COURSE, HD IS A COMPLETELY

DIFFERENT SITUATION.

MY POINT IS YOU DON'T THINK I

HAVE PEEPS?

YOU DON'T THINK I ROLL DEEP?

CC ROLLS DEEP, YO, YO, CHECK

THIS [BLEEPED] OUT.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

COMEDY CENTRAL, GET ME KRUD

MANDOON.

THAT'S, MOTHER... REALLY?

CANCELED?

WHEN WAS THAT CANCELED?

HE'S OUR ONLY GUY WITH A SWORD,

THOUGH?

HOW AM I GOING TO... THAT SHOW

WAS LIKE OUR "GAME OF THRONES."

IT WAS AHEAD OF ITS TIME.

ALL RIGHT, FINE.

I'LL HANDLE IT MYSELF.

EVERYBODY AT FOX IS REAL MAD

ABOUT THIS HERMAN CAIN JOKE.

CANDIDATE HERMAN CAIN OFFERS

REAL SOLUTIONS TO FICTIONAL

ISSUES.

>> DON'T TRY TO PASS A 2,700

PAGE BILL.

YOU AND I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO

READ IT.

WE'RE TOO BUSY TRYING TO LIVE,

SEND OUR KIDS TO SCHOOL.

THAT'S WHY I'M GOING TO ONLY

ALLOW SMALL BILLS, THREE PAGES.

YOU'D HAVE TIME TO READ THAT ONE

OVER THE DINNER TABLE.

>>

>> Jon: BILLS WILL BE THREE

PAGES.

IF I AM PRESIDENT, TREATIES WILL

HAVE TO FIT ON THE BACK OF A

CEREAL BOX.

FROM NOW ON THE STATE OF THE

UNION ADDRESS WILL BE DELIVERED

IN THE FORM OF A FORTUNE COOKIE.

I AM HERMAN CAIN, AND I DO NOT

LIKE TO READ.

NOW, THEY THOUGHT THAT WAS AN

OFFENSIVE JOKE.

THEY THOUGHT THAT WAS OFFENSIVE

AMOS AND ANDY BROGUE AND THEIR

NEWS GUYS WOULD BE FIRED IF THEY

DID A VOICE LIKE THAT, ALTHOUGH,

I DID GET INTO THAT STORY USING

A WHEEL WITH A DILDO NAILED IT

TO, WHICH I WOULD IMAGINE WOULD

LIKELY GET THEM FIRED, AS WELL.

[LAUGHTER]

I JUST DON'T SEE THEM USING A

DILDO WHEEL.

THE POINT IS THIS: THEY FELT I

WAS SINGLING OUT HERMAN CAIN

USING OFFENSIVE VOICE, NOT

BECAUSE I ALWAYS USE THEM, AND I

THOUGHT THE THREE-PAGE BILL IDEA

WAS SILLY, BUT BECAUSE THEY

SUGGESTED BECAUSE HERMAN CAIN IS

BLACK AND MORE IMPORTANTLY

CONSERVATIVE.

WELL, IF MY RIDICULE OF SILLY

THINGS USING BIZARRE CARICATURE

VOICES HAS GIVEN FOX WHAT

APPEARS TO BE SEVERAL DAYS OF

VERY STRONG PROGRAMING --

[LAUGHTER]

YOUR CUP ABOUT TO RUNNETH OVER,

MOTHER [BLEEPED].

GRAB A KNIFE AND FORK, FOX.

BECAUSE I HAVE TURNED MY CRACK

RESEARCH TEAM ON MYSELF.

AND IN A BRAND-NEW SETTINGMENT

CALLED...

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO RUN

THESE TITLES BY ME?

ALL RIGHT.

WELL, ANYWAY, PREPARE FOR

TOMORROW'S HUFFINGTON POST

HEADLINE "STEWART EVOICE RATES

STEWART."

ROLL.

>> ON THE EIGHTH DAY, THEY

THOUGHT THERE WAS ONLY ENOUGH

HOPE FOR THREE DAYS.

>> YOU INVITE AN IMPORTANT

VISITOR TO OUR HOUSE AND OUR

TONE AND EAT YOUR PIZZA WITH A

[BLEEPED] FORK RIGHT IN FRONT OF

US.

>> I WANT TO BLESS THE CHILDREN.

YOU WILL NOT WE NIGH GOD'S LOVE.

>> THE GIANT [BLEEPED] GAGGOONS

HANGING ON THIS MAN.

>> I'M SO SHORT.

CAN YOU LEAN OVER.

>> [INAUDIBLE]

>> ANTHONY, GO INSIDE, AND IF

YOU COME BACK OUT, WEAR A LIGHT

JACKET.

>> ALL RIGHT, BOYS.

YOU KNOW THE RULES.

I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING.

[SPEAKING IN ALL DIFFERENT

ACCENTS]

>> I LIKE TO EAT CHEESE.

>> WHAT?

>> YOU CAN TAKE OUR HORSES, BUT

YOU'LL NEVER TAKE OURRATION!

>> GUVNAH.

>> NEW YORK I'M NO SPY, JUST

[BLEEPED] WITH SUMMER HOME.

>> WE DON'T NEED NO STINKING EZ

PASS.

>> YOU CAN'T GET THERE FROM

QUEE-EH.

>> HE WASN'T GOING OUT WITH

LITTLE BOYS.

>> YOU SHOULD SEE SOME OF THE

[BLEEPED] I'VE DONE.

>> BETTER ON THE FLOOR THAN IN

THE SENATE.

>> KEEPS GETTING BETTER AND

BETTER.

>> ANOTHER TO BE CERTAIN THAN

RIGHT.

>> AM I RIGHT, LADIES.

>> YOU TWO KISS WHILE I WATCH.

>> WE'RE COOL AGAIN, RIGHT?

>> I'M REAL HUNGRY.

>> RULES ARE RULES.

>> WHAT?

WHAT, WHAT?

>> I TOLD YOU I NEEDED THE

DRIVEWAY CLEAN.

>> COME ON, BABY.

WHY DON'T YOU LET DR. O COVER

ALL YOUR PREEXISTING CONDITIONS,

BABY?

>> I AM AMERICA.

>> DAMN, AMERICA, HAVE YOU LOST

WEIGHT?

>> SOME OF THE SAVINGS WILL COME

THROUGH LESS WASTE AND MORE

EFFICIENCY.

>> FROM NOW ON WHEN WE BUY

OFFICE SUPPLIES, WE WILL JOIN UP

WITH CANADA AND MEXICO TO LOOK

FOR DEALS ON GROUPON.

>> TONIGHT WE CELEBRATE.

>> WEDNESDAY WE GO SHOPPING.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

>> WELCOME BACK.

MY GUEST TONIGHT, VERY FUNNY

COMEDIAN.

HIS SHOW FX'S "LOUIS."

THANK GOODNESS IT'S BACK FOR

ANOTHER SEASON.

>> IT'S A MOTHER DOG.

IT'S A MOTHER DOG LIKE 14-NIPPLE

BELLY.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS IF I GO LIKE

THIS.

IT'S HAPPENING NOW, YOU JUST

CAN'T SEE IT.

IT'S A SIX PACK FOR A WHOLE

OTHER REASON.

IT JUST HANGS IN SECTIONS.

IT ACTUALLY IS THREE SECTIONS

WITH A SPLIT IN THE MIDDLE.

>> Jon: PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO

THE SHOW "LOUIS"CK.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

>> THAT WAS REALLY FUNNY.

>> Jon: GREAT TO SEE YOU.

>> THANK YOU.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: I'M SO GLAD THE SHOW

IS BACK ON.

>> THANK YOU

>> Jon: YOU WANT TO DO IT

AGAIN?

>> I DON'T WANT TO SHAKE.

I JUST WANT US TO HOOVER.

>> Jon: DO THE HOVER SHAKE.

FIRST EPISODE WAS SO GOOD.

>> THANK YOU.

JON AND YOUR ACTING NOW IS

GETTING GOOD.

>> YOU WERE DESCRIBING IT.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE SAYING,

"YOU'RE ACTING NOW," WHICH IS

THE WAY IT FEELS.

IT FEELS GOOFY.

>> Jon: YOU AND I HAVE WORKED

TOGETHER FOR SO MANY YEARS.

AND WE ALL SUCKED.

THEY ALWAYS WANTED TO MAKE US

ACTEDDORS AND WE ALL SUCKED AT

IT.

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU BECAME

GOOD.

WAIT.

WHAT ABOUT TAKING THE REST OF US

WITH YOU.

>> I HAVE MORE PRACTICE, THAT'S

ALLMENT I'VE JUST DONE IT FOR

LONGER.

I STILL SUCK PRETTY BAD, THOUGH.

>> Jon: STOP IT.

FIRST EPISODE, THE WOMAN WHO

PLAYED YOUR SISTER.

>> ARE RUSTY SCHWIMMER.

>> Jon: SO GOOD.

>> SHE'S GREAT.

JANUARY JON CAN WE SAY FIRST

EPISODE WHAT...

>> IT'S ALL ABOUT A BIG FART.

THE WHOLE FIRST EPISODE IS ABOUT

A FART.

AND...

>> Jon: HOW LONG IS THE FART?

>> I THINK IT WAS 42 SECONDS

LONG OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

ONE-TENTH OF AN EPISODE IS A

FART.

MORE THAN ONE-TENTH.

20% OF THE EPISODE IS A FART.

>> Jon: I DON'T LET YOUR

CHILDREN WATCH YOUR SHOW.

I DON'T LET THEM WATCH MY SHOW,

BUT I BROUGHT THEM IN THE ROOM

FOR THE 42-SECOND FART.

THEY'RE STILL TALKING ABOUT IT.

>> LISTEN, FARTS TAKE A LOT OF

[BLEEPED] FOR BEING...

>> Jon: WHAT?

>> THEY DO.

PEOPLE THINK THAT THAT'S

LOW-BROW HUMOR, STUPID HUMOR.

TO ME A FART IS FUNNY.

FART IS... LET'S BREAK DOWN A

FART FOR A SECOND.

>> Jon: PLEASE.

>> OKAY.

IT COMES OUT OF YOUR ASS.

[LAUGHTER]

OKAY.

IT SMELLS...

>> Jon: I'M GLAD YOU WENT FOR

THAT NUMBER ONE.

>> IT COMES OUT OF YOUR ASS.

IT COMES OUT OF YOUR ASS.

IT SMELLS LIKE POOP.

BECAUSE IT'S BEEN JUST HANGING

OUT NEXT TO IT FOR A LONG TIME.

AND IT MAKES A LITTLE TRUMPET

NOISE.

COME ON, MAN.

WHAT'S NOT FUNNY ABOUT THAT?

YOUR ASS FLESH RUBS TOGETHER AND

IT MAKES A NOISE THAT SMELLS

LIKE POOP THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR

ASS.

THAT'S HILARIOUS.

THAT'S THE FUNNIEST THING IN THE

WORLD.

HERE'S WHAT I WOULD SAY, YOU

DON'T HAVE TO BE SMART TO LAUGH

AT FARTDS, BUT YOU HAVE TO BE

STUPID NOT TO.

>> Jon: FOR THAT, I MEAN, THAT

IS WHY WE INDUCT YOU INTO THE

COMEDY HALL OF FAME.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Jon: A LOT OF TIMES JOKES

WHEN YOU DECONSTRUCT THEM BECOME

LESS FUNNY.

NOW I THINK FARTS WILL BE EVEN

MORE ENJOYABLE.

THANK YOU.

>> THERE'S A LOT GOING ON.

>> YOU'RE ALWAYS RAGGING ON

YOURSELF.

YOU KNOW, HAVE YOU BEEN IN THE

WORLD?

YOU'RE NOT THE FOOTAGE THEY USE

ON STORIES ABOUT BAD HEALTH.

YOU'RE NOT THAT FOOTAGE FROM YOU

WITH THE HEAD DOWN LIKE, IF

AMERICA DOESN'T GET WISE TO

THIS, WE'LL FALL BEHIND

THAILAND.

>> THERE IS A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT

ARE GROCER THAN I AM.

THAT'S TRUE.

>> Jon: WE ALL ARE.

I'M WEARING A SUIT UNDERNEATH

THIS.

I'M...

>> MAYBE YOU'VE GOT SOME LITTLE

SAG SECTIONS AND A LITTLE BIT

OF... BUT I'M BIG.

[LAUGHTER]

NO, HERE'S THE THING, I'VE

BEEN...

>> Jon: DO YOU WANT TO HAVE A

DECREPIT

>> OFF, IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

>> I WORK HARD TO MAINTAIN THIS.

THIS IS ME BEING PRESENTABLE TO

THE REST OF THE WORLD.

I'M ON CAMERA AND THERE ARE

PEOPLE STILL IN MY LIFE.

SO I... THIS IS AS GOOD AS I CAN

LOOK.

THAT'S WHY I THINK PEOPLE KEEP

YOU FROM BEING GROSS.

WHEN I'VE DRIVEN EVERYONE AWAY

AND I'M NOT ON TV ANYMORE, I'M

GOING TO BE... I'M JUST GOING

TO... AND I'M EXCITED FOR IT.

I'M JUST GOING TO BE THAT GUY

WITH THE SECOND BELLY, THE

CROTCH BELLY.

YOU KNOW THOSE GUYS WITH

POLYESTER PANTS, AND IT'S JUST,

AND IT'S NOT EVEN LIKE A LITTLE

BUMP WHERE IT'S JUST... IT'S

LIKE A PUMPKIN POP IN THERE.

AND THEN LIKE WHEN I SEE IT

JUST... WHEN I SEE IT JUST

GLISTENS LIKE A... YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW THOSE FOUNTAINS WHERE

IT JUST GETS WET ON THE MARBLE

INSTEAD OF GUSHING.

AND WHEN I GET HORNY I'LL

JUST...

>> Jon: SO YOUR BUCKET LIST IS

LITERALLY JUST FOODS IN A

BUCKET.

>> THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING TO BE

AND I'M GOING THE MAKE IT.

IT'S NOT HARD GOAL.

HERE'S THE THING, I THINK

PEOPLE, THEIR NATURAL STATE IS

TO JUST EAT FRITOS AND JUST

[BLEEPED] YOUR PANTS AND DIE.

OSAMA BIN LADEN, WHEN THEY

CAUGHT HIM, HE WAS DRINKING

COCA-COLA AND GETTING HIGH AND

WATCHING PORN AND LIKE GOOGLING

HIMSELF IN A BLANKET.

LIKE HE WAS JUST... I THOUGHT

WHEN THEY CAUGHT HIM HE'D BE IN

A CAVE WITH TWO GRENADES

INTENSE, BUT HE WAS JUST GOING

BACK TO HIS ROOM WITH HIS SNACK,

OH, BHEEP BLEEP.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT, I DID THAT

THING.

LIKE HE JUST... HE HAD SOME

NACHOS

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: THAT'S OUR SHOW.

JOIN US TOMORROW NIGHT AT 11:00.

TOM HANKS WILL BE IN THE STUDIO.

HERE IT, IS YOUR MOMENT OF ZEN.

>> TONIGHT I AM GOING TO TELL

YOU THAT JON STEWART, BECAUSE OF

WHAT HE DID, IS A RACIST.

I DON'T BELIEVE THAT, BUT I'M

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