February 2, 2011 - Matthew Perry

  • Episode: 16019
  • (0)

Republicans close the rape loophole, and Matthew Perry talks about his happy friend.

>> HEY, WELCOME TO THE "DAILY

SHOW."

I'M JON STEWART.

WE HAVE ON OUR PROGRAM TONIGHT,

MATTHEW PERRY, THE WRITER,

DIRECTOR, STAR OF "MATHEW

PERRY'S DIARY OF A MAD BLACK

WOMAN."

HE IS-- I'M BEING TOLD THAT'S

TYLER PERRY.

I APOLOGIZE.

AND, YET, I PLAN TO CHANGE NONE

OF MY QUESTIONS.

( LAUGHTER )

AS YOU KNOW, TODAY IS GROUNDHOG

DAY WHICH MEANS WE GET TO FIND

OUT HOW MUCH LONGER THIS BRUTAL

PICTURE WILL LAST.

WE'LL QUICKLY TAKE A LOOK AT A

PICTURE OF PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL AND

SEE IF HE SAW HIS SHADOW.

OH, THAT'S NOT GOOD

( LAUGHTER )

I GUESS THAT MEANS SIX MORE

YEARS OF WINTER.

AND WE'RE

GROUNDHOG.

WE AGAIN TONIGHT WITH OUR

CONTINUING COVERAGE OF THE "MESS

O' SLIGHTLY TO THE LEFT O'

POTAMIA"

( LAUGHTER )

AFTER SIX DAYS OF PEACEFUL

PROTESTS IN EGYPT, 30-YEAR

PRESIDENT HOSNI MUBARAK FINALLY

TOOK TO THE AIRWAVES ON TUESDAY

NIGHT.

>> I WAS NEVER, EVER INTERESTED

IN BEING A DICTATOR.

>> Jon: I JUST KNEW AS A

CHILD I WANT THE TO OPPRESS

PEOPLE.

BUT I DIDN'T MAYBE BE AN

ASSISTANT MANAGER NOBODY LIKES,

AN UNREASONABLY STRICT TEACHER.

BUT TO BE HERE ( BLEEP ) OVER

YOU PEOPLE, IT'S A DREAM COME

TRUE.

( LAUGHTER )

WAIT, WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT

AGAIN?

I DON'T REMEMBER.

( LAUGHTER )

HOSE ME, ARE YOU STAYING OR ARE

YOU GOING?

>> I TELL YOU VERY HONESTLY, AND

REGARDLESS OF THE CURRENT

CIRCUMSTANCE, THAT I DID NOT

INTEND TO RUN FOR A NEW

PRESIDENTIAL TERM BECAUSE I HAVE

SPENT ENOUGH TIME IN MY LIFE

SERVING EGYPT AND ITS PEOPLE.

>> Jon: EGYPT, YOU CAN'T

FIRE ME, I QUIT BECAUSE YOU'RE A

BUNCH OF STUPIDHEADS.

STUPID.

( LAUGHTER )

THE TAKEAWAY IS, HE'S LEAVING.

PEOPLE HAVE BEEN HEARD.

THEY CAN ALL HEAD BACK TO THEIR

LIVES, THE NEW MUBARAK-LESS

CABINET BEGIN THE DEMOCRATIC

REFORM PROGRESS.

>> ( translated ): I WILL

CONTINUE TO SUPERVISE THE NEW

GOVERNMENT

( LAUGHTER )

>> Jon: YOU'VE NOT SEEN

THIS MOVIE, HAVE YOU?

THIS IS NOT THE PART WHERE YOU

STAY.

THIS IS THE PART WHERE YOU TAKE

A BUNCH OF GOLD BRICKS, MAYBE A

PRICELESS ARTIFACT, AND HOP A

PLANE TO DUBAI.

THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE GOOD.

>> YOU HAVE NOW PEOPLE ON THE

FRONT LINES OF BOTH SIDES

THROWING ROCKS, THROWING

BOTTLES.

>> AS NIGHT FELL, WE STARTED

HEARING HEAVY GUNFIRE.

>> INCENDIARY DEVICES BEING

LAUNCHED OFF THE TOP OF THAT

BUILDING.

THAT IS A VERY OMINOUS FEELING.

>> STAMPEDING AND ATTACKING SOME

OF THE ANTI-MUBARAK PROTESTERS,

ON CAM EXPEL HORSEBACK.

>> Jon: I CAN'T HELP BUT

NOTICE THE PRO-MUBARAK

DEMONSTRATORS SEEM TO BE

SLIGHTLY MORE ORGANIZED AND

ARMED AND HAVE HORSES

( LAUGHTER )

WHAT A SPONTANEOUS ERUPTION OF

PRO-MUBARAK SENTIMENT FROM EMPED

EGYPTIANS TRAINED IN THE ART OF

WHIP-BASED CROWD CONTROL

( LAUGHTER )

I DON'T LIKE WHERE THIS IS

GOING.

>> WE WERE SET UPON BY

PRO-MUBARAK SUPPORTERS PUNCHING

US IN THE HEAD.

THE CROWD GET THROWING MORE

PUNCHES, KICKS.

SUDDENLY A YOUNG MAN WOULD COME

UP, LOOK AT YOU, AND THEN PUNCH

YOU RIGHT IN THE FACE.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, HOSNI,

NOW YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR.

HANDS OFF ANDERSON COOPER.

THERE IS NOT TO BE A CIVILRY

WISP OUT OF PLACE ON THAT MAN'S

GLORIOUS HEAD!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THERE IS ONLY ONE PERSON, THERE

IS ONLY ONE PERSON WHO IS

ALLOWED TO PHYSICALLY ASSAULT

ANDERSON COOPER.

>> HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I PUNCHED

YOU?

>> IT'S LIKE THE SIXTH TIME

( LAUGHTER )

>> Jon: AND EVEN SHE IS

GRANTED THE HONOR BUT

YEAR.

FOR MORE ON THE UNFOLDING

SITUATION IN EGYPT, WE GO LIVE

TO ASIF MANDVI IN CAIRO.

>> THANK YOU, JON, THANK YOU.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

HERE IN EGYPT, THE SITUATION --

>> I'M JUST GOING TO INTERRUPT

VERY QUICKLY.

ARE YOU NOT IN EGYPT

( LAUGHTER ).

>> NO, IT'S EGYPT, I'M IN EGYPT.

>> Jon: ASIF, I SEE THE

UNITED STATES CAPITOL BILLION

BEHIND YOU.

THAT CAPITOL DOME--

>> OKAY, I AT THE EGYPTIAN

EMBASSY THAT IS TECHNICALLY

EGYPT.

DISPL YOU WERE --

>> YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE IN

EGYPT-EGYPT.

>> JON, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE

TURNED ON THE NEWS LATELY.

( LAUGHTER )

BUT IT IS ( BLEEP ) CRAZY IN

EGYPT RIGHT NOW.

THEY'RE PUNCHING COOPER, AND

HE'S ARMED!

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Jon: HE'S GOT A GUN?

>> TWO OF THEM.

ANTHONY AND CLEOPATRA.

OH, YEAH.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Jon: HOW ARE YOU GONNA--

HE HAS BEEN WORKING OUT.

HOW ARE GOING TO THEN COVER-UP

THE PROTESTS?

>> WELL, THERE ARE SOME HERE AND

THEY'RE PRETTY INTENSE, TOO.

TAKE A LOOK.

>> HEY, HEY HO-HO.

>> I WAIT WADED INTO THE

PROTESTS OUTSIDE OF THE EGYPTIAN

EMBASSY IN WASHINGTON TO

UNDERSTAND THE GLOBALLINGS IS OF

THIS REVOLUTION.

>> WE WANT A DEMOCRACY.

WE WANT SOMETHING THE AMERICAN

PEOPLE BELIEVE IN.

>> HE NEEDS TO STEP DOWN RIGHT

NOW.

>> STEP DOWN RIGHT NOW?

>> THIS VERY MINUTE.

>> AND THEN WHO WILL AMERICA PUT

IN HIS PLACE?

WE WON'T HAVE TIME--

>> THE EGYPTIAN PEOPLE ARE THE

ONES WHO ARE GOING TO PUT

SOMEONE IN HIS PLACE.

THAT'S GOING TO MAKE AMERICANS

VERY NERVOUS.

>> DO YOU WANT TO TELL US WE ARE

NOT ADULT ENOUGH TO CHOOSE OUR

COUNTRY-- TO CHOOSE OUR LEADER?

>> HOW ABOUT THIS-- WE GET TO

PICK YOUR CANDIDATE BUT YOU GET

TO VOTE.

>> ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

>> OKAY, WE WON'T PICK YOUR

CANDIDATES ALONE.

ISRAEL WILL HELP.

HOW DO WE EVEN KNOW WHO WE'RE

EALING ABOUT?D

HOW CAN AMERICANS BE SURE WE CAN

TRUST THE EGYPTIAN PEOPLE.

>> TRUST THE EGYPTIAN PEOPLE?

>> Reporter: ARE YOU

TRUSTWORTHY OR ARE YOU NOT

TRUSTWORTHY?

>> I'M TRUSTWORTHY.

>> THAT IS WHAT SOMEBODY WHO IS

NOT TRUSTWORTHY WOULD SAY.

YOUR AMERICAN SIDE HAS TO BE

SAYING I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN

TRUST THE EGYPTIAN SIDE.

FINISH THIS SENTENCE FOR ME,

"BLANK TO AMERICA."

>> UHM...

GO, AMERICA.

>> GO, AMERICA.

LIKE, GET LOST, GO AWAY.

>> NO, GO, AMERICA BUT ADJUST

JUR POLICY ON EGYPT.

>> ADJUST YOUR POLICY?

>> ADJUST YOUR POLICY.

I THINK OBAMA--

>> THAT SOUNDS LEEK A VEILED

THREAT.

THE IMPLICATIONS OF THIS

REVOLUTION ARE CLEAR.

>> WILL THE VOID LEAVE ROOM FOR

RADICAL ISLAM?

>> IS IT AN ISLAMIC EGYPT?

>> WILL THERE BE MORE RADICALS

TAKE OVER.

>> THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE ARABS.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE ISLAM

BROTHERHOOD.

>> I AM CRIN.

>> ARE YOU CHRISTIAN YOU LOOK

MUSLIM-Y TO ME.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD CHANGE YOUR

NAME MAYBE YOU CAN CHANGE IT TO,

LIKE, CHUCK.

>> IT'S ALL ABOUT HUMAN RIGHTS,

AND PEOPLE LIKE JEWS OR

CHRISTIANS OR MUSLIM, WE ALL

HAVE THE SAME RIGHTS.

>> WHERE NOW CAN AMERICA SENDS

ITS PRISONERS TO MAKE SURE THEY

GET TORTURED PROPERLY IF WE

DON'T SEND THEM TO EGYPT

ANYMORE?

>> IT'S VERY SIMPLE-- THEY BEEN

OWN OPEN A NEW GUANTANAMO BAY

SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDWEST.

>> OBVIOUSLY, THESE PEOPLE KNOW

NOTHING ABOUT HOW A DEMOCRACY

REALLY WORKS.

BUT HOPEFULLY, THEY C

SHOW.

WE TURN OUR ATTENTION NOW, IF

YOU PLEASE, TO THE NEWLY MINTED

HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES, WHERE

THE G.O.P. RECENTLY UNVEILED THE

HIGH SCHOOL ANTICIPATED

FOLLOW-UP TO THEIR REPEAL THE

JOB KILLING HEALTH CARE LAW ACT.

IT'S CALLEDLET "NO TAXPAYER

FUNDING FOR ABORNGZS ACT."

IT SEEKS TO UNDO A

LONDONSTANDING COMPROMISE THAT

ALLOWS FEDERAL FUNDING FOR

ABORTION IN EXTREME CASES LIKE

RAPE.

IN THE NEW BILL, FEDERAL FUNDING

FOR ABORTIONS WOULD BE LIMITED

TO CASES RESULTING FROM WHAT

THEY CALL FORCEABLE RAPE, WHICH

COULD POSSIBLY EXCLUDE RAPES

WHERE WOMEN HAVE BEEN DRUGGED OR

WOMEN WITH LIMITED MENTAL

CAPACITY, OR STATUTORY RAPE, OR

RAPED.

FOR MORE ON THE LEGISLATIVE PUSH

TO CLARIFY RAPE WE'RE JOINED BY

"DAILY SHOW" SENIOR WOMEN'S

CORRESPONDENT, CRISTEN SCHAAL.

>> HALLELUJAH!

BY PROPOSING THIS LEGISLATION

REPUBLICANS ARE FINALLY CLOSING

THE GLARING LOOPHOLE IN OUR

HEALTH CARE SYSTEM

( LAUGHTER )

YOU'D BE SURPRISED HOW MANY

DRUGS UNDERAGED OR MENTALLY

HANDICAPPED YOUNG WOMEN HAVE

BEEN GAMING THE SYSTEM

( LAUGHTER )

SORRY, LADIES.

THE FREE ABOGGS RIDE-- ABORTION

RIDE IS OVER

( LAUGHTER )

( LAUGHTER )

>> Jon: CRISTEN, THE NOTION

OF LIMITING FEDERAL FUNDS FOR

ABORTIONS OF VICTIMS OF

FORCEABLE RAPE, ALL RAPE IS BY

DEFINITION FORCEABLE.

>> JON, I'M NOT COMFORTABLE WITH

THAT WORD "ALL."

IN TRUTH, THERE'S A WHOLE

RAINBOW OF RAPE COVERING A WIDE

SPECTRUM OF GRAY AREAS, LIKE

STATUTORY RAPE, SOMETHING WHOOPI

GOLDBERG EXPLAINED IN THE ROMAN

POLANSKI CASE.

>> HE'S A WONDERFUL DIRECTOR BUT

HE DID RAPE A 13-YEAR-OLD CHILD.

>> HE WAS NOT CHARGED-- I KNOW

IT WASN'T RAPE-RAPE.

>> SEE?

THERE'S RAPE, AND THERE'S

RAPE-RAPE.

OKAY?

PLYING A 13-YEAR-OLD CAN

QUAALUDES, ALCOHOL, AND A FAMOUS

PENIS ISN'T RAPE-RAPE, IT'S JUST

RAPE-ESQUE.

AND SHOULD SHOULDN'T BE

COVER-UPPED, ONLY RAPE-RAPE.

>> Jon: ONLY RAPE-RAPE IS

COVERED.

WHAT OTHER NON-RAPE-RAPE-BASED

ABURKESES WOULD BE COVER-UPPED

OR NOT BE COVERED I SHOULD SAY?

>> GIVE ME A HYPOTHETICAL.

>> Jon: ARE DRUNK WOMEN WHO

ARE RAPED COVERED?

>> WELL, WERE THEY DRESSED

SHUTE?

WAS IT A BACHLORETTE PARTY,

LOCAL BAR?

I MEAN...

>> Jon: DOES IT MATTER?

>> YES!

BECAUSE THAT DETERMINES WHAT IS

RAPE-RAPE AND WHAT IS MERELY

RAPE-ISH, AND I DON'T THINK

HARD-EARNED TAX DOLLARS SHOULD

GO TO WOMEN WHO ARE ONLY BEEN

RAPE-ISHED.

>> Jon: WHAT IF YOU'RE DATE

RAPED?

WHAT IF YOU'RE RAPED BY A

FRIEND?

>> AH!

THAT'S CLASSIFIED NOW AS RAPE

WITH BENEFITS.

BY THE WAY, HOLLYWOOD, IF YOU'RE

LOOKING FOR YOUR NEXT BIG

ROMANTIC COMEDY, YOU CAN'T DO

ANY BRNL THAT.

BETTER THAN THAT.

>> Jon: WHAT IF THE WOMAN

IS UNCONSCIOUS?

WOULD THEY COVER THAT?

>> THEY'D LIKE TO, JON, BUT IT

MIGHT NOT BE RAPE.

THE WOMAN MIGHT BE HAVING A

RAPE-MARE.

THE IMPORTANT THING IS CONGRESS

IS REDEFINING RAIN TO PROTECT US

FROM THE WORST KIND OF RAPE.

>> Jon: AND-- AND WHAT IS

THAT?

>> MONEY RAPE.

>> Jon: WHAT IS MONEY RAPE?

THAT'S FORCEABLE TAKING OF

TAXPAYERS' MONEY TO PAY FOR

ABORTIONS.

THEY HAVE NO SAY IN THE PARTY.

THEY JUST HAVE TO LAY BACK AND

TAKE IT WHILE THEIR BANK

ACCOUNTS ARE VIOLATED OVER AND

OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

>> Jon: HOW MUCH MONEY ARE

WE EVEN TALKING ABOUT HERE?

>> WELL, IN 2006 ALONE, FEDERAL

FUNDS HELPED PAY FOR 191

ABORTIONS FOR VICTIMS OF RAPE,

INCEST, OR WHEN THE HEALTH OF

THE MOTHER IS AT RISK.

SO THAT WORKS OUT TO... .2 OF A

PENNY PER TAXPAYER.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Jon: KRISTIN PEOPLE'S

TAXES GO TOWARDS THING THEY

DON'T BELIEVE IN ALL THE TIME.

I DIDN'T SUPPORT THE IRAQ WAR

BUT MY TAXES STILL HELPED PAY

FOR IT.

>> THAT'S WAR

( LAUGHTER )

>> Jon: REALLY?

BECAUSE I REALLY THOUGHT THAT

IGHT HAVE JUST BEEN WAR-ISH?M

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

( LAUGHTER )

>> JON!

THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS

WAR-ISH.

YOU'RE NOT MAKING SENSE.

CLEARLY, YOU'VE BEEN TRAUMATIZED

BY YEARS OF MONEY RAPE.

LOOK, I KNOW IT HURTS, BUT IT'S

OKAY TO TALK ABOUT IT.

>> Jon: KRISTIN, I'M FINE.

IT JUST DOESN'T--

>> SHOW ME ON THE PIGGY BANK

WHERE OBAMA TOOK YOUR MONEY FOR

ABORTIONS

( LAUGHTER )

>> Jon: KRISTIN I DIDN'T--

>> RIGHT HERE?

NO?

>> MY GUEST TONIGHT FROM THE HIT

SHOW "MR. SUNSHINE."

>> I CAN'T PRETEND TO LISTEN TO

YOUR PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW.

WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT ME.

>> WHAT'S WRONG?

>> I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S WRONG.

SOMETHING'S HAPPENING TO ME.

ROMAN IS VERY SAD ABOUT HIS

MOTHER AND THAT MAKES ME SAD.

CRYSTAL IS VERY, VERY UPSET

ABOUT A LITTLE BLUE PERSON.

THAT MAKES ME UPSET.

WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO

ME?

>> YOU'RE BECOMING AN ACTUAL

HUMAN BEING.

>> WELL, I DON'T LIKE IT.

>> Jon: PLEASE WELCOME BACK

TO THE SHOW, MATTHEW PERRY!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

WHAT'S UP?

>> HOW YOU DOING, MAN?

>> Jon: NICE TO SEE YOU.

>> GOOD TO SEE YOU.

>> Jon: YOU EXECUTIVE

PRODUCE, YOU CREATED, YOU

STARRED IN, YOU WROTE THE SHOW.

YOU BRED THE SUPPORTING CAST.

IS THERE ANYTHING YOU HAVEN'T

DONE ON THE SHOW?

THIS IS YOUR BABY.

>> THE THING THAT'S EASIEST IS

THAT THE SHOW IS THAT ACTUAL

LENGTH OF THE CLIP DISPL REALLY?

>> YES, SO IT'S MUCH EASIER TO

DO.

>> Jon: 20-25 SECONDS.

>> 25 SECONDSES, AND I HOPE YOU

LIKE IT

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Jon: "MR. SUNSHINE--"

>> MR. SUNSHINE --

>> FROM THE CLIP DOESN'T SEEM TO

REALLY BE LIKE THAT.

I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S

DISINGENUOUS LABELING BUT--

>> I DIDN'T THINK YOU WOULD GET

IT BECAUSE YOU DON'T THINK YOU

NECESSARILY GET IRONY.

>> Jon: I'M SORRY?

ARE YOU-- HOW DID YOU-- IS THIS

YOU?

IS THIS SOMEBODY YOU KNOW?

IS THIS-- TALK TO ME.

GIVE ME THE CHARACTER.

>> THE CHARACTER'S SORT OF A SOB

SOB-CYSTIC, SELF-CENTERED

PERSON.

WHAT?

>> Jon: NOTHING!

I'M JUST CURIOUS ABOUT THE

CREATIVE PROCESS.

>> SO I DID, I GUESS, THE MOST

SELF-SERVING THING A MAN CAN

DO-- I CREATED A TELEVISION SHOW

FOR MYSELF

( LAUGHTER )

BUT ONE OF THE FUNNY-- ONE OF

THE FUN THINGS ABOUT IT IS YOU

GET TO COME UP WITH ALL THE

DIFFERENT CHARACTERES.

I DIDN'T REALLY DO IT ALONE.

THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE

WORKING ON THE SHOW.

SO ONE OF THE CHARACTERS, THIS

ACTOR NAMED JAMES LEJURE PLAYS

THIS GUY WHO IS IMPOSSIBLY

HAPPY.

HE PLAYS A GUY WHO IS

UNFLAPPABLY HAPPY AND THAT'S

BASED ON MY BEST FRIEND IN THE

WORLD, THIS GUY NAMED MARK

HOLDER WHO JUST LOVES BEING MARK

HOLDER AND HE'S JUST THE THE

HAPPIEST GUY IN THE WORLD TO THE

POINT IT'S REALLY AFFECTED OUR

FRIENDSHIP BECAUSE I'M NOT

EXACTLY THAT WAY.

AND I'LL SAY, LIKE, "HOW ARE

YOU?"

AND HE'LL GO, "OH, MAN, I CAN'T

BELIEVE HOW GREAT I AM.

IF I WAS ANY BETTER, I'D BE TWO

PEOPLE."

AND HIS FACEBOOK STATUS REPORTS

SAY THINGS, YOU KNOW, JUST LIKE,

"WHAT A BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL

DAY."

I ACTUALLY STOPPED ASKING HIM

"HOW ARE YOU?"

BECAUSE IT ANNOYED ME SO MUCH

WHAT HIS ANSWER WAS GOING TO BE.

ONE DAY I FORGOT THIS RULE AND I

SAID, "HOW ARE YOU?"

AND HE SAID, "I JUST DROPPED MY

KIDS OFF AT SCHOOL.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL SUNNY DAY."

I SAID, "TERRIFIC, I'M GOING TO

GO MASTURBATE INTO SOME MONEY."

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: LET MY SAY THIS.

>> SURE.

>> Jon: DOESD NOT SEE THAT

LAST LINE COME.

THAT IS THE MARK OF A FINE

STORY.

>> THANK YOU.

I HAVE A FAVOR TO ASK OF YOU.

>> Jon: YOU'RE NOT GOING TO

FOLLOW UP MASTURBATING INTO

MONEY WITH I HAVE A FAVOR.

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: IS IT CAN I HAVE A

20?

WHAT-- WHAT DO YOU WANT?

>> I WAS HOPING WE COULD JUST

GENTLY KISS

( LAUGHTER )

NO, BUT YOU KNOW HOW SOMETIMES

ON THE SHOW YOU HAVE VERY

IMPORTANT PEOPLE AND THEN YOU

SAY, HEY, CAN YOU STICK AROUND?

>> Jon: AND THROW IT UP ON

THE WEB.

>> AND THROW THE REST OF IT UP

ON THE WEB.

>> Jon: SURE, SURE, SURE,

SURE.

>> IT MAKES THEMSELVES SEEM

REALLY IMPORTANT.

I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD DO

THAT WITH ME JUST A LITTLE BIT

LATER.

>> Jon: NO, I THINK WE'RE

GOOD.

I THINK WE'RE GOOD.

IT'S HOWEVER-- WE'LL DO THAT.

>> NO, NO, NO --

>> WE'LL THROW IT UP ON THE WEB.

ESSENTIALLY, THE PART OF YOU

THAT... MASTURBATING INTO MONEY.

DOES THAT WORK WITH CHANGE, BY

THE WAY?

OR DOES IT HAVE TO BE PAPER

MONEY?

>> I ACTUALLY HAVE A CHARCOAL

SKETCH OF IT THAT I WILL SHOW

YOU AFTER THE SHOW.

>> Jon, YOU KNOW, WHAT?

WE ALL KNOW THE MARK HOLDER-TYPE

CHARACTER AND IT IS.

YOU DO SOMETIMES THINK THEY'RE

BEING SO FRIENDLY, THEY'RE BEING

SARCASK LIKE YOU'RE NOT QUITE

SURE SOMETIMES WHERE THE LINE

IS.

>> HE'S MY BEST FRIEND.

I LOVE THE GUY.

HE'S I'M THE GODFATHER TO HIS

KIDS BUT STOP SAYING HOW HAPPY

YOU ARE ALL THE TIME.

IT'S DRIVING US NUTS.

>> Jon: WERE YOU ON THE

SHOW I DID AT PARAMOUNT ABOUT 15

YEARS AGO.

>> YEAH, AND I DON'T WANT TO

EXWARPS YOU, BUT WHEN WE FIRST

MET, I WAS ON YOUR ORIGINAL

SHOW.

>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.

>> AND YOU WERE A GUY WHO-- YOU

WERE JUST STARTING OUT, YOUR

SHOW DIDN'T HAVE --

>> IT WASN'T GOOD.

>> NO, IT WAS A GREAT SHOW BUT

IT WAS LIKE, "REALLY, I GOTTA GO

DO THAT?

>> Jon: I KNOW.

WE WERE THE CABOOSE.

>> THAT'S EXACTLY HOW YOU

REFERRED TO YOURSELF AND NOW

YOU'RE THE PREEMINENT SOURCE OF

NEWS IN THIS COUNTRY.

>> Jon: WE'RE PREEMINENT.

WE'VE BEEN YEARS-- I WANT TO

THANK YOU FOR STICKING BY FOR

ALL THAT TIME.

IT WAS VERY NICE.

>> I'M A HUGE FAN OF THE SHOW

AND I REMEMBER IT WAY BACK WHEN

YOU ASKED ME IF I COULD

POTENTIALLY SET YOU UP WITH

JENNIFER ANISTON, WHICH I

THOUGHT WAS FUNNY BECAUSE I

COULDN'T EVEN GET A DATE WITH

JENNIFER ANISTON.

>> Jon: HERE'S THE SAD

THING-- EVERY GUEST WE HAD ON I

ASKED THAT QUESTION.

WE HAD A GUY WHO HAD CONDORS AND

I SAID, "DO YOU KNOW JENNIFER

ANISTON?"

>> I WOULD SAY MEKNOCKIM.

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

BEFORE WE GO WE'RE GOING TO

CHECK IN WITH OUR GOOD FRIEND

STEPHEN COLBERT AT THE "COLBERT

REPORT."

STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: HEY, JOHN JON,

JUST MAKING A SHOPPING LIST.

CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING.

>> Jon: SURE, WHERE ARE YOU

GOING?

>> Stephen: IT FENDS, WHAT DO

YOU NEED.

>> Jon: EGGS.

>> Stephen: OKAY, I'LL GO TO

THE EGG STORE.

>> Jon: AND THERE'S NO MILK

IN THE COFFEE PART.

>> OKAY, MILK STORE.

>> Jon: PAPER TOWELS.

>> Stephen: PAPER TOWEL

STORE.

JON, HOW MANY STORES DO YOU WANT

ME TO GO TO?

I OFFERED TO DO A FAVOR FOR YOU

AND NOW YOU'RE TAKING ADVANTAGE.

>> Jon: THEY HAVE THE

SUPERMARKET AND THEY HAVE

EVERYTHING THERE.

>> Stephen: WHERE, AT SOME

SORT OF SUPER... MARKET.

>> Jon: THERE'S ONE RIGHT

AROUND THE CORNER FROM YOUR

STUDIO RCHLTS I'LL LOOK.

ANYWAY, WHILE I'M TAT, WHAT SIZE

PANTS DO YOU WANT?

>> Jon: THEY DON'T SELL

PANTS, ACTUALLY.

>> Stephen: MAKE UP YOUR

MIND!

>> Jon, YOU KNOW, WHAT?

MOMENT OF ZEN.

>> THIS IS NOT JUST POOR PEOPLE

MAD AT RICH PEOPLE.

THIS IS COORDINATED, CODE PINK

FOUNDER JODY EVANS INVOLVED WITH

THE MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD.

JIM AYERS, THE ACORN GUY.

THIS WILL BE ON FIRE.

THIS IS ALREADY ON FIRE.

THIS IS TO FIRE.

CHINA PIIVES IN THIS DIRECTION

AND SAYS KNOCK IT OFF, GUYS.

WHEN YOU TAKE THE MARXISTS AND

COMBINE THEM WITH THE RADICAL

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