June 29, 2011 - Tom Hanks

  • Episode: 16085
  • (0)

Democrats and Republicans can't agree on the debt ceiling, and Tom Hanks discusses his movie "Larry Crowne."

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY

SHOW."

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

OH, WE GOT A BIG ONE TONIGHT.

OUR GUEST TONIGHT, MR. TOM

HANKS.

HE IS MAN SO LIKABLE, SO POLITE

THAT HIS NAME ACTUALLY CONTAINS

THE WORD "THANKS."

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S RIGHT IN IT.

WE BEGIN TONIGHT WITH THE

ECONOMY, WHICH, AS MANY OF YOU

ARE AWARE, SUCKS.

[LAUGHTER]

RIGHT NOW WE'RE LOOKING TO PAY

DOWN $14.3 TRILLION OF DEBT.

[AUDIENCE REACTS]

[LAUGHTER]

APPARENTLY I'M READING A SCARY

STORY TO MY CHILDREN.

THEY'RE GOING TO DO ALL THE

NOISES LIKE IT'S "PETER AND THE

[BLEEPED] WOLF OR SOMETHING."

WE'RE GOING TO PAY DOWN $14.

TRILLION OF DEBT WITH A

ECONOMY STRUGGLING TO PRODUCE

JOBS, IN LARGE PART BECAUSE

AMERICAN WORKERS STILL

STUBBORNLY CLING TO THE IDEA

THAT THEY SHOULD BE MORE HIGHLY

COMPENSATED THAN SAY SUICIDAL

CHINESE COMPUTER PART FACTORY

HELP.

[LAUGHTER]

IF IT'S GOOD ENOUGH OF THESE

DESPONDENT PEOPLE, WELL, NOT TO

WORRY, PEOPLE.

>> I JUST WANT TO SAY A FEW

WORDS ABOUT THE ECONOMY BEFORE I

TAKE YOUR QUESTIONS.

>> Jon: ECONOMY PRESS

CONFERENCE.

HOORAY!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

SO WHAT DO WE DO, BOSS?

>> THE STRUGGLES OF MIDDLE-CLASS

FAMILIES WERE A BIG PROBLEM

BEFORE THE RECESSION HIT IN

2007.

THEY WEREN'T CREATED OVERNIGHT,

AND THE TRUTH IS OUR ECONOMIC

CHALLENGES ARE NOT GOING TO BE

SOLVED OVERNIGHT.

>> Jon: BUT BY MONDAY...

[LAUGHTER]

MONDAY?

YOU GOT A PLAN?

>> ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT AND

URGENT THINGS WE CAN DO FOR THE

ECONOMY IS SOMETHING THAT BOTH

PARTIES ARE WORKING ON RIGHT

NOW, AND THAT'S REDUCING OUR

NATION'S DEFICIT.

>> Jon: PHEW.

WELL, THANK GOD WE KNOW WHAT TO

DO, AND THAT'S NOT GOING TO BE

TOO HARD, RIGHT?

>> WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TACKLE

SPENDING IN THE TAX CODE TO MAKE

IT EASIER FOR ENTREPRENEURS TO

PATENT A NEW PRODUCT, REBUILDING

OUR TRANSPORTATION STRUCTURE,

ELIMINATE WASTE, TACKLE

ENTITLEMENT, EXTEND THOSE

MIDDLE-CLASS TAX CUTS, HELP

BUSINESSES CREATE JOBS.

WE GOT TO SEIZE THIS MOMENT, AND

WE HAVE TO SEIZE IT SOON.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: WHAT?

OF COURSE, THE FIRST THING

BEFORE WE GET TO ANY OF THAT

STUFF...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S WHY WE GET PAID THE CABLE

MONEY.

[LAUGHTER]

THE FIRST THING WE DO BEFORE WE

GET TO ANY OF THAT GOOD FIXING

THE ECONOMY STUFF, DEMOCRATS SAY

WE HAVE TO RAISE AMERICA'S $14.3

TRILLION DEBT CEILING BEFORE

AUGUST 2nd, BECAUSE IF WE

DON'T DO THAT, UH, WAIT, WHAT

HAPPENS AGAIN?

>> ARMAGEDDON.

>> ARMAGEDDON.

>> ARM GETTEN.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: NO, THAT WASN'T IT.

NO, NO, NO, THAT'S RIGHT, YOU'RE

RIGHT, TOTAL COLLAPSE OF OUR

ECONOMIC SYSTEM.

BUT THAT'S JUST THE PREREQUISITE

TO ENACTING ANY OF THOSE OTHER

SOLUTIONS THE PRESIDENT WAS

TALKING ABOUT.

I'M SORRY, REPUBLICANS, YOU

WANTED TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT

THIS.

>> IF ALL WE DO IS EXTEND THE

DEBT LIMIT AND DO NOT START

DEALING WITH THE FUNDAMENTAL

FACT THAT THE AMERICAN

GOVERNMENT SPENDS MONEY IT

DOESN'T HAVE.

>> Jon: YES, NO, NO, NO, I

UNDERSTAND.

ARE THERE OTHER THINGS THAT...

>> TAX INCREASES ARE OFF THE

TABLE.

>> Jon: OH.

WELL, YOU KNOW THERE'S ONLY TWO

WAYS TO REDUCE THE DEFICIT.

YOU CAN CUT SPENDING OR RAISE

TAXES.

YOU TAKE ONE OF THOSE OFF THE

TABLE COMPLETELY, YOU'RE NOT

REALLY NEGOTIATING.

IT'S LIKE SAYING, "I WOULD DO

ANYTHING FOR LOVE, BUT I WON'T

DO THAT."

YOU REALLY WOULDN'T THEN DO

ANYTHING FOR LOVE.

SO I QUESTIONS WHAT I'M SAYING

IS MEATLOAF'S PREMISE IS FAULTY

IS WHAT I'M SAYING.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT ARE THE DEMOCRATS

COUNTER-OFFERING?

>> IT ALMOST MAKES YOU WONDER IF

THEY AREN'T TRYING TO SLOW DOWN

THE ECONOMIC RECOVERY FOR

POLITICAL GAIN.

>> Jon: OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

ALL RIGHT.

WHAT DO WE HAVE, UNTIL AUGUST

2nd BEFORE WE HIT ARMAGEDDON.

IS THERE ANYTHING YOU AGREE ON?

>> THEY'RE NOT DEALING IN

REALITY

>> MY REPUBLICAN FRIENDS SEEM TO

BE LIVING IN A FANTASY WORLD.

>> Jon: OH, ALL RIGHT.

JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY, HARRY

REID, IF THEY'RE LIVING IN A

FANTLY WORLD, WOULD YOU STILL

EXIST?

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, ONE THING IS CLEAR,

WE COME.

EACH PARTY SAYS THE OTHER IS

LEADING US TO ARMAGEDDON.

IS EITHER OF THEM BEING SLIGHTLY

HYPERBOLIC?

FOR MORE WE GO TO THE FUTURE

WITH SAMANTHA BEE IV AND AASIF

MANDVI, JR.,, JR.,, JR., IN

WASHINGTON, D.C.

HELLO, GUYS.

>> HELLO, JON.

>> GLEEP GLOOP GLOP.

>> Jon: OH, MY GOSH, IS

ENGLISH NO LONGER IN USE?

>> OF COURSE IT IS.

I'M JUST [BLEEPED] WITH YOU.

>> Jon: YOU'RE IN THE FUTURE

WHERE REPUBLICANS DID NOT RAISE

THE DEBT CEILING.

ARE WE IN TROUBLE IN

>> NOT REALLY.

REPUBLICANS GOT EVERYTHING THEY

WANTED.

AMERICA DECLARED BANKRUPTCY AND

IN RECEIVERSHIP RESTRUCTURED OUR

GOVERNMENT AND WE GOT THIS

CAPITALIST YOU OPEN THEA.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: IS THIS AIR

BREATHABLE?

>> IT STINGS A LITTLE, BUT THE

FREE MARKET WILL CORRECT IT.

YOU KNOW, EVENTUALLY, FOR SURE.

>> Jon: ASSIF, TELL ME ABOUT

THE FUTURE THAT YOU'RE LIVING

IN.

>> WELL, HERE THE DEMOCRATS

SUCCESSFULLY RAISED THE DEBT

CEILING AND INCREASED TAXES

WITHOUT CUSHING SOCIAL PROGRAMS.

>> Jon: I GOT THE TELL YOU, I

GOT TO TELL YOU, SEEING THAT, A

LITTLE BIT OF A RELIEF.

IT REALLY DOES LOOK GREAT.

>> OH, WHAT THIS BACKGROUND?

>> Jon: YEAH.

>> THIS IS A GOVERNMENT-ISSUED

SIMU-SCREEN MADE AVAILABLE

THROUGH THE ENHANCEMENT ACT OF

2033.

USUALLY IT DOESN'T WORK THAT

WELL.

THAT'S IT.

THERE IT IS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: ASSIF, THAT'S EXACTLY

THE SAME ENVIRONMENT THAT'S IN

SAM'S FUTURE.

>> NO, NO, SAM IS FACING

CANCEROUS POLLUTANTS.

THIS IS A RADIATION CLOUD.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: WHAT HAPPENED?

>> WELL, WE RAISED THE DEBT

CEILING, BORROWED MORE THAN WE

COULD REPAY, AND WHEN CHINA

DEMANDED THEIR MONEY BACK, THERE

WAS A REPO SITUATION.

LONG STORY SHORT, WE NUKED THEM,

THEY NUKED US AND HAVE SINCE

BEEN AT WAR WITH THEIR NEW ARMY

OF RADIOACTIVE PANDAS.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT IT'S A SMALL PRICE TO PAY TO

LIVE IN THIS BEAUTIFUL,

SOCIALIST PARADISE.

>> Jon: SO NEITHER REPUBLICANS

NOR DEMOCRATS WERE IN ANY WAY

EXAGGERATING THE CONSEQUENCES OF

EACH OTHER'S POLICIES.

>> NO, NO, IN FACT,

UNDERSELLING, OR AS OUR GLORIOUS

CHAIRMAN BOBO WOULD SAY [MAKING

CHIMP NOISES]

ALL HAIL BOBO.

>> OH, PLEASE, SAVAGES.

THANK GOD THE LAISSEZ FAIRE

POLICIES OF OUR DEAR PRESIDENT

FIELD MARSHAL BOBO HAVE

PROTECTED US AS HE SO ELOQUENTLY

STATED IN HIS STATE OF THE

[MAKING CHIMP NOISES]

>> Jon: I THINK THAT LAST

PARTED WAS A FECES THROW FOR

EMPHASIS.

>> VERY EXPRESSIVE.

>> Jon: NO MATTER WHICH PARTY

GAINS TUPPER HAND IN 2011, IT

LEADS TO A DYSTOPIA IN AMERICA

GOVERNED BY APES.

>> BOTH: YES.

>> Jon: NO THIRD OPTION MIGHT

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

MADE... MADE... MADE IN AMERICA

USED TO MEAN SOMETHING.

MOSTLY THAT WE HAD JOBS.

[LAUGHTER]

HERE IN AMERICA.

BUT WITH SO MANY OF THESE JOBS

GOING OVERSEAS, AMERICA HAS BUT

ONE CHOICE.

JASON JONES HAS MORE.

>> FOR YEARS AMERICA FACED A

GREAT THREAT.

>> SOCIALISM IS COMING OUR WAY.

>> WE WANT TO GO TO IRAQ.

>> DO WE REALLY WANT TO CHANGE

AMERICA INTO SWEDEN?

>> BUT WHEN SWEDEN OPENED UP AN

IKEA FACTORY IN VIRGINIA,

SOCIALISM BECAME THE LEAST OF

OUR WORRIES.

>> WHEN THEY FIRST SHOWED UP IN

DANVILLE, VIRGINIA, WE THOUGHT,

THIS IS IKEA, THIS IS THE BEST

OF THE BEST, BUT WORKERS ARE

DISRESPECTED.

THEY'RE ABUSED.

THEY DON'T GET CORRECT TRAINING.

THEY DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO

MAKE ENDS MEET.

THEY'RE NOT PAID ENOUGH.

THEY'RE TREATING THESE WORKERS

AS IF IT'S A THIRD-WORLD

COUNTRY.

>> TO FIND OUT MORE, I MET

SWEDISH BUSINESS EXPERT LARS

BARGAINS.

WELCOME.

>> THANK YOU.

>> IN A ROOM FILLED WITH THE

COMFORTS OF HIS HOMELAND.

HAVE A SEAT, PLEASE.

>> OH.

>> I THINK THERE IS A

MISUNDERSTANDING ABOUT SWEDEN

WHICH WE HAVE TO CORRECT.

WE FOR A LONG TIME HAVE BEEN

CAPITALISTS AND VERY GOOD AT IT,

BUT IT'S TRUE THAT WE ALSO

LEARNED FROM THE MASTERS.

NOW YOU'RE WORKING FOR US, WHICH

IS THE WAY IT TURNS AROUND.

>> GOD, LOOK AT YOU, SO SMUG.

>> YOU THINK I'M SMUG.

>> A LITTLE BIT.

>> LITTLE BIT, YEAH.

>> WE USED TO BE THAT SMUG.

HOW DO WE GET TO BE THAT SMUG

AGAIN?

>> I THINK THAT'S THE $1 MILLION

QUESTION.

>> SWEDEN WAS EVERYTHING WE USED

TO BE.

[DANCING QUEEN PLAYING]

DOMINANT, ARROGANT AND SO MUCH

MORE BEAUTIFUL.

BUT IF SWEDEN WAS US, WHO WERE

WE?

>> WE HAVE, IN FACT, BECOME

SWEDEN'S MEXICO.

>> REALLY?

>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> BUT IF WE WANT TO WORK, WE

GOT TO BE SOMEBODY'S MEXICO.

>> IF YOU'RE SUGGESTING THAT THE

CHOICE IN AMERICA IS TO WORK FOR

DANGEROUS WORK, DISRESPECTFUL

WORK, DEGRADING WORK AT MINIMUM

WAGE.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> THEN MY STATEMENT TO YOU,

SIR, IS THAT IS UNAMERICAN.

>> EXACTLY.

IT'S MEXICAN.

>> HAVE YOU BEEN TO A MEXICAN

FACTORY?

>> YES.

>> THEY HAVE BRUTAL WORK

CONDITIONS, LONG HOURS, LOW PAY.

[INAUDIBLE]

THE WATER SUPPLY COMES FROM THE

EFFLUENT FROM THE FACTORY.

>> NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

>> WHICH ONE WERE YOU AT?

>> THE ONE IN MY HEAD.

AND THE PROBLEM IS OUR

AMERICAN-RUN AMERICAN FACTORIES

LIKE THIS ONE CAN'T COMPETE WITH

OUR SWEDISH-RUN MEXICAN

FACTORIES.

THESE GUYS SEEM LIKE COMPLETE

WASTES.

THE CUSTOMERS SHOULD BE

ASSEMBLING IT THEMSELVES.

>> WE HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT HOW TO

DO THAT.

>> IT'S CALLED AN ALLEN WRENCH.

>> WELL, THERE'S YOUR FIRST

PROBLEM.

IT'S COMFORTABLE.

>> THEY CODDLED THEIR EMPLOYEE

AT EVERY TURN.

>> WHEN DOES THIS GUY GET HIS

BATHROOM BREAK?

>> BATHROOM BREAK?

>> YEAH.

>> WHENEVER HE HAS TO GO TO THE

BATHROOM.

>> OH, WELL, THAT'S JUST STUPID.

>> WELL, I GUESS WE JUST...

>> IF FACTORIES LIKE THIS HOPE

TO SURVIVE, THEY'LL HAVE TO

MODERNIZE.

>> IT'S CLASSIC.

YOU'LL HAVE IT FOR A LIFETIME.

IT'S GREAT STYLE.

I THINK THE ANTIQUE FINISH...

>> WHOA, WHOA, $1,700, NO THANK

YOU.

IKEA GIVES ME THAT FOR $19.99

PLUS THEY'LL THROW IN AN EKTORP.

>> WHAT?

>> YOU'RE NOT GOING TO THROW AN

EKTORP WITH IT?

>> NO.

>> WHAT ABOUT A STRONUS?

>> NO.

>> MELTROP?

>> NO.

>> DING DONG?

>> NO.

WHAT?

>> WHAT UNION ADVOCATES DON'T

GET IS IF IT'S NOT SWEDEN, IT

WILL BE SOMEONE ELSE.

>> UNTIL WE GET RECOGNIZE BY THE

FEDERAL GOVERNMENT AS THE UNION

FOR DANVILLE, THEY'RE GOING TO

CONTINUE TO STRUGGLE.

>> IF YOU UNIONIZE, IKEA CAN

SHIP DOWN TO SOUTH CAROLINA, AND

THOSE PEOPLE WORK FOR PORK RINDS

AND HORSE VAGINAS.

>> HORSE HAVE A EYE -- VAGINAS.

>> BOTTOM LINE, WE NEED TO LEARN

A VERY IMPORTANT LESSON FROM OUR

SWEDISH OVERLORDS.

>> THESE ARE BUSINESS PEOPLE.

THEY DO WHATEVER THEY CAN TO

MAKE A BUCK.

>> OKAY.

>> OH, GOD DAMN THIS FURNITURE

IS SO CHEAP.

>>

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

MY GUEST TONIGHT, ACADEMY

AWARD-WINNING ACTOR, HIS NEW

FILM WHICH HE DIRECTED, WROTE

AND STARRED IN IS CALLED LARRY

LARRY -- "LARRY CROWNE."

>> MY NAME IS MISS TAINOT,

T-A-I-N-O-T, NOT TIE-NOT.

EACH OF YOU WILL ADDRESS THE

CLASS FOR THE FIRST TIME AND

TELL US SOMETHING THAT YOU

ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DO.

>> MS. TIE-NOT?

TAY-NOT?

TAEBO?

>> REALLY?

>> Jon: PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO

THE PROGRAM TOM HANKS.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, BUDDY.

HOW YOU DOING?

>> THANK YOU.

>> SOAK IT IN.

SOAK IT IN.

>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.

>> Jon: NICE TO SEE YOU.

>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> Jon: YOU LOOK VERY SHARP,

VERY DAPPER.

>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

JON JON THIS MOVIE, THIS MOVIE,

TELL ME ABOUT... YOU LOOK VERY

GOOD.

>> ARE YOU EVER CUTTING TO

CAMERA THREE?

IF YOU'RE NOT, [BLEEPED] THE

TIE.

I DON'T CARE.

>> Jon: GIVE HIM THREE, CHUCK.

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.

OH, NO, THAT'S NOT WORKING.

CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING,

THOUGH?

I LIKE IT, THOUGH.

IT HAS A CERTAIN... THERE'S A

DEBONAIR QUALITY TO IT.

YOU DON'T LOOK DISHEVELED.

NO MATTER WHAT I DO, I LOOK

DISHEVELED.

YOU LOOK VERY SHARP.

>> TOMMY CLEANS UP GOOD.

>> Jon: TOMMY DOES CLEAN UP

GOOD.

TELL ME ABOUT THIS "LARRY

CROWNE."

IT SEEMS LIKE A "STELLA GETS HER

GROOVE BACK" FOR MIDDLE-AGED

WHITE GUYS.

[LAUGHTER]

CHEW ON THAT.

CHEW ON THAT.

>> I'M GOING TO.

>> Jon: ENJOY THAT ONE.

>> IT STARTED OFF GOING FOR THAT

TARGET AUDIENCE, AS A MATTER OF

FACT.

I FIND THE MIDDLE-AGED WHITE

GUYS ARE NOT REPRESENTED ENOUGH

IN TODAY'S AMERICAN MEDIA.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: THEY ARE VICTIMS IN

MANY RESPECTS.

>> THEY ARE INDEED UNDERLINGS.

>> Jon: THEY ARE UNDERLINGS.

TELL ME ABOUT THIS JULIA

ROBERTS.

SHE SEEMS TO HAVE A FEW...

>> SHE'S A NUT.

SHE'S AN ABSOLUTE COOK.

SHE'S A DREAM BOAT, SHE SMELLS,

MMM, FANTASTIC.

I JUST DID A MARTY SHORT, THERE

MMM.

>> Jon: WHO IS THE BEST

SMELLING, IN YOUR EXPERIENCE.

>> YES.

>> Jon: AND I THINK THIS IS

VERY IMPORTANT, THE

BEST-SMELLING ACTOR.

>> BEST-SMELLING ACTOR OR

ACTRESS?

>> I GOT IT.

I GOT IT.

I AM GOING TO SAY KEVIN BACON.

[LAUGHTER]

BECAUSE ON "APOLLO 13" WE WERE

REALLY JAMMED IN, JAMMED IN.

>> Jon: IS THERE A SAVORY

QUALITY TO THAT?

IS THERE A BACONNESQUE, IF YOU

WILL, BECAUSE THAT IS... IS THAT

WHERE YOU WERE GOING?

>> NO, NO, I THINK HE SMELLS

LIKE A LITTLE MIX OF BABY POWDER

AND LISTERINE.

>> Jon: THAT'S A LOT OF

HYGIENE.

>> THAT IS A LOT OF HYGIENE.

>> Jon: DO YOU GET TO CHOOSE,

YOU'VE WORKED WITH JULIA ROBERTS

BEFORE.

DO YOU SAY TO YOURSELF, I'M

GOING TO BE ON LOCATION FOR...

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO DO A

MOVIE?

>> THIS TOOK ABOUT NINE WEEKS,

BUT WE SHOT IT IN THE FAMILY IN

LOS ANGELES, SO NOT EXACTLY A

LOCATION.

SO EVERYONE WENT HOME EVERY

NIGHT.

>> Jon: IT ALMOST DOESN'T EVEN

MATTER THEN.

>> BUT STILL, THERE IS AN ASPECT

OF WHO DO YOU WANT TO SEE EVERY

DAY.

YOU WANT TO SEE PEOPLE THAT MAKE

YOU LAUGH.

MAYBE YOU MEET THEM FOR THE

FIRST TIME ON THE FIRST DAY OF

SHOOTING OR MAYBE YOU'VE DONE

OTHER FILMS WITH THEM.

>> Jon: YOU WROTE THIS, YOU

CO-WROTE THIS...

>> CO-WROTE THIS WITH NIA

VARDALOS.

>> Jon: YOU WERE THE BOSS.

YOU MADE THE COSTUMES.

>> I DID NOT MAKE THE COSTUMES.

>> Jon: YOU COOKED EVERYONE

FETA CHEESE.

>> THERE WERE SOME DAYS I HAD

THE CROCK POT ON THE BACK OF THE

CAMPER.

THIS IS TRUE.

YOU START OFF IN A LONG TIME AGO

AND YOU JUST PUT THAT DREAM TEAM

TOGETHER, AND YOU EXAMINE THE

SCENE THAT IS STUCK INSIDE.

YOU'LL HATE IT.

>> Jon: IS TOM HANKS CALLS

SOMEBODY, AND I'M GOING TO TALK

ABOUT YOU IN THE THIRD PERSON,

DO YOU EVER FEEL THE STING OF A

REJECTED PHONE CALL?

IF YOU CALL SOMEBODY UP AND GO,

I WANT YOU TO DO THIS AND

THEY'RE LIKE, NO?

>> NO, NO, NO.

YOU START WITH A CAVEAT RIGHT

OFF THE BAT.

THE FIRST THING YOU DO... YOU

CAN SAY, NO YOU CAN SAY, NO IT

WILL NOT HURT MY FEELINGS.

IT WILL HURT MY FEELINGS.

WILL NOT, BUT IF YOU DON'T LIKE

IT, DON'T DO IT.

IT'S JUST THE WAY IT WORKS.

>> Jon: AND YOU'LL GO WITH THE

DIRECT PHONE CALL YOURSELF?

>> NO, THE LAST THING...

>> Jon: IS THAT THE LAST LINE

OF DEFENSE.

>> THE WORST THING IS WHEN THEY

SAY, I DON'T THINK HE'S GOING TO

DO IT UNLESS YOU GIVE HIM A

CALL.

>> Jon: IT'S ALL ON YOU.

>> THAT'S LIKE DISASTER.

>> Jon: THAT'S HOW I ENDED UP

GUEST STARRING ON "THE NANNY."

>> HERE'S THE WEIRD THING, IT

DOES TOTALLY WORK.

>> Jon: IT REALLY DOES.

ONE DAY I'M IN MY OFFICE AND I

HEAR [AS FRAN DRESSER] "HELLO."

NANNY FEIN?

>> YOU'RE LIKE, I'D LOVE TO DO

THIS BUT IT BUMPS WITH THIS

MOVIE WE'RE DOING ALREADY.

IN WHAT WAY?

WELL, A GUY PUTS ON CLOTHES AND

DRIVES TO A THING AND THIS DEAL

HAPPENS, SO I WISH I COULD.

>> Jon: I WERE I COULD BUT I

CAN'T.

>> YOU ESCAPE WITH YOUR LIFE.

>> Jon: FOR YOU NOW, THIS IS

THIS THE PINNACLE, FROM NOW ON

IT'S TOM HANKS... YOU JUST

BECOME NOT JUST "STELLA GOT HER

GROOVE BACK" BUT THE TYLER PERRY

OF MIDDLE-AGED WHITE GUYS.

TOM HANKS PRESENTS.

>> I'VE DONE MY TIME IN THE

DRESS, SO MAYBE I CAN

ACTUALLY... I DON'T KNOW IF THE

KIDS REMEMBER THAT BACK BEFORE

HIGH-DEF IF YOU GO BACK ON THE

YOUTUBE YOU'LL FIND ME IN THE

BOSOM BUDDY, WHICH STARTED IT

ALL.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

ACTUALLY, I LOOK AT THE ACTORS

DURING THE MOVIE, THEY ARE

HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME, SITTING

OVER THERE LAUGHING, NOT

WORKING, NOT FIGURING OUT THE

SHOTS, NOT FINDING OUT WHAT YOU

CAN'T, DO NOT HAVING TO ARGUE

WITH SOMEONE ON THE PHONE AT THE

END OF THE DAY.

THEY'RE HAVING FUN AND I USED TO

BE ONE OF THEM.

I'M NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: YOU WILL NEVER EVER

NOT BE ADORABLE.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

>> GOD BLESS YOU, SIR.

>> Jon: "LARRY CROWNE" IN

THEATERS ON FRIDAY.

>> THAT'S THE END OF THE THIRD

SEGMENT?

>>

>> Jon: YES.

>> Jon: THAT'S OUR SHOW,

EVERYBODY.

JOIN US TOMORROW NIGHT AT 11:00.

OUR GUEST TOMORROW BILL KRISTOL,

WHO IS CONSIDERED THE TOM HANKS

OF THE NEO-CONSERVATIVE WORLD.

[LAUGHTER]

HERE IT IS, YOUR MOMENT.

OF ZEN.

>> A MAN IN WEST VIRGINIA FACES

ASSAULT CHARGES AFTER POLICE SAY

HE PASSED GAS IN FRONT OF THE

OFFICER.

[LAUGHING]

THE MAN WAS ALREADY ARRESTED FOR

D.U.I.

ACCORDING TO POLICE REPORTS

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