November 4, 2010 - David Sedaris

  • Episode: 15141
  • (0)

John Hodgman solves the violent video game problem, and David Sedaris tells a snail joke.

>> WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW",

MY SAME IN JON STEWART.

THE ALWAYS DELIGHTFUL DAVID

SEDARIS IS HERE.

HE'S IN MY TOP, I WOULD SAY MY

TOP TWO FAVORITE SEDARISS OF ALL

TIME.

DAVID AND AMY TOP TWO.

DROPS OFF SEDARI I DON'T KNOW

WHAT THE PLURAL IS.

THERE'S A GRAND TRADITION IN THE

GREAT COUNTRY OF OURS.

EACH PRESIDENTIAL CONTEST SHOULD

BE FOLLOWED BY A THOREAU AND

ROBUST CONGRESSIONAL REFERENDUM

AND IN SUCH INSTANCE WHEREUPON

THE PRESIDENT'S PARTY RECEIVES

UNTO IT A FLIPPING OF ASS THE

PRESIDENT SHALL THEN IN DUE

HASTE PRESENT FORTH AN

OBLIGATORY POST ELECTORAL RED

CARPETED PODIUMED WALK OF SHAME

SO IT IS WRITTEN SO SAY WE ALL.

>> AFTER WHAT I'M SURE WAS A

LONG NIGHT FOR A LOT OF YOU, AND

NEEDLESS TO SAY, IT WAS FOR ME,

I CAN TELL THAT YOU, YOU KNOW,

SOME ELECTION NIGHTS ARE MORE

FUN THAN OTHERS.

>> Jon: LIKE I REMEMBER THIS

ONE TWO YEARS AGO WHEN I WON.

IT WAS AWESOME.

[LAUGHTER]

THERE WERE BALLOONS AND THEY HAD

A BIG FLAG TAKEN AX REITAN

FRANKLIN WORE THIS CRAZY HAT.

WAS IT A BIRD?

[LAUGHTER]

GO ON.

>> PEOPLE ARE FRUSTRATED.

THEY ARE DEEPLY FRUSTRATED OVER

THE LAST FEW MONTHS, I'VE HAD

THE OPPORTUNITY TO TRAVEL AROUND

THE COUNTRY AND MEET PEOPLE

WHERE THEY LIVE AND WHERE THEY

WORK.

FROM BACKYARDS TO FACTORY FLOORS

I DID SOME TALKING BUT MOSTLY I

DID A LOT OF LISTENING.

>> DID YOU KNOW MOST PEOPLE

THINK I'M MUSE LICK.

THEY ARE CRAZY OUT THERE.

>> THE MEN AND WOMEN WHO SENT US

HERE DON'T EXPECT WASHINGTON TO

SOLVE ALL THEIR PROBLEMS BUT

THEY DO EXPECT WASHINGTON TO

WORK FOR THEM NOT AGAINST THEM.

>> DO I HAVE --

>> Jon: SO I HAVE DECIDED AND

ANNOUNCED TO MY STAFF THAT I

WILL NO LONGER WORK AGAINST THE

AMERICAN PEOPLE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GOT ME!

[LAUGHTER]

MESSAGE RECEIVED.

SO A LEADER HUMBLED ANT PRESS

CORPS AT THE READY TO PLUM THE

LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DARK AND

DIFFICULT ELECTORAL REBUKE.

>> WONDERING THAT YOU BELIEVE

THE HEALTH CARE REFORM YOU

WORKED SO HARD ON IS IN DANGER

AT THIS POINT.

>> DO YOU ACCEPT THE FACT THAT

ANY KIND OF SPENDING TO CREATE

JOBS IS DEAD AT THIS POINT?

>> IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THERE ARE

A MAJORITY OF AMERICANS WHO

THINK YOUR POLICIES ARE TAKING

US IN REVERSE?

>> ARE YOU WILLING TO MAKE

CHANGES IN YOUR LEADERSHIP

STYLE?

>> WHO YOU DO YOU THINK SPEAKS

TO THE TRUE VOICE OF AMERICAN

PEOPLE RIGHT NOW YOU OR JOHN

BOEHNER.

>> Jon: MR. PRESIDENT, TODD

PATERSON, DO YOU SUCK AND A

QUICK FOLLOW-UP DO YOU SUCH SO

BAD YOU DON'T KNOW HOW SUCKY YOU

ARE.

I WOULD LIKE THE ANSWER, IF YOU

WOULD, IN THE FORM OF YOU SUCK!

[LAUGHTER]

BUT OF COURSE THE KEY TO ANY

PRESIDENTIAL PRESIDENT

CONFERENCE IS NOT THE QUESTION

AND ANSWER SESSION BUT THE

INTANGIBLES.

LET'S GO TO THE ANALYSIS.

>> IT WAS LAME.

IT WAS VANILLA.

>> HE SEEMED GLUM AND DEPRESSED.

>> *EFS ANNOYED.

HE LOOKED SHELL SHOCKED.

HE DIDN'T LOOK LIKE A MAN ON HIS

GAME.

>> HE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS PASSING

A GALLSTONE YNCH NOT BE SHIEWM

RUSS.

>> HE BREAKS YOU ICE.

>> HE SAID OKAY GOD DIDN'T GIVE

ME BIG EARS FOR NOTHING, I HEARD

YA.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: MRS. PARKER SPITZER IS

RIGHT.

OBAMA COULD HAVE BEEN LIKE I'VE

GOT BIG EARS BUT I'M NOT D MURKS

BO.

I GET IT.

HE COULD HAVE DONE A WHOLE BUNCH

OF JOKES LIKE WHITE PRESIDENTS

TAKE IT LIKE THIS: I CAN'T

BELIEVE YOU REBUKED MY POLICY

BUT BLACK PRESIDENTS TAKE IT

LIKE, OH, NO YOU DID NOT REBUKE

MY POLICY.

NO YOU DIDNT.

WHAT?

THE PRESS CONFERENCE WAS AN HOUR

LONG.

THAT'S REALLY LONG GIVE ME

SOMETHING I CAN USE.

GIVE ME SOMETHING CAN I POP INTO

THE MICROWAVE AND EAT ON THE WAY

TO THE OVEN WHERE MY OTHER FOOD

IS PREPARED.

>> IF YOU ARE NOT REFLECTING ON

YOUR POLICY AGENDA IS IT

POSSIBLE VOTERS CAN CONCLUDE YOU

ARE STILL NOT GETTING IT?

>> Jon: GETTING IT?

WHAT IS IS IT?

ISN'T IT JUST A SUBSTITUTE

GENERIC FOR WHATEVER YOU PROJECT

ON IT?

AS PRONOUNCES GO IT -- IT WON'T

EVEN CHOOSE A SEX.

I GUESS THE REAL QUESTION IS IS

IT CONTAGIOUS?

>> THERE ARE A LOT OF AMERICANS

OUT THERE WHO THINK THE

PRESIDENT DOESN'T GET IT.

>> DOES HE GET IT?

DO YOU THINK HE GETS IT?

>> HE DIDN'T GET IT TODAY.

>> NOT ONLY DID THE POLITICS NOT

GET IT?

THE VOTERS DIDN'T GET IT EITHER?

>> SOME SAY HE THINKS YOU DON'T

GET IT.

>> HE DOESN'T GET IT.

>> DOES HE GET IT?

>> EVEN IF HE DOESN'T GET IT HE

NEEDS TO ACT AS IF HE DOES.

>> ARE YOU SUGGESTING THE

PRESIDENT FAKE IT?

[LAUGHTER]

WAIT UNLESS -- IS IT ORGASIMS?

FOR MORE WE TURN TO THE MOST

POPULAR SEGMENT OPINION DOME.

FOUR PUNDITS ENTER AND LEAVE

WHEN IT'S DONE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

JASON JONES.

WYATT CENAC, JOHN JOHN OLIVER, JASON,

WHAT DO YOU TAKE AWAY FROM THE

PRESIDENT'S SPEECH?

>> HE DOESN'T GET IT, JON.

>> Jon: WYATT CENAC?

>> IF THIS IS IT AND THIS IS THE

PRESIDENT?

>> THAT'S RIGHT, JON, BUT THE

PRESIDENT GETS SOME OF IT JUST

NOT ALL OF IT.

WHAT HE GETS IS -- E --

>> Jon: WHAT IS IT AND WERE

THERE AT LEAST MOMENTS OF IT?

>> LET START AT THE TOP.

CHECK THIS OUT.

THE WAY HE'S WALKING HERE.

THE WAY HE'S STEPPING UP TO THE

MICROPHONE HERE.

STOP THE TAPE.

STOP THE TAPE RIGHT THERE.

DO YOU SEE IT?

I DIDN'T SEE IT.

IT'S A CRUCIAL MOMENT WHERE HE

NEEDS

NEEDS TO SHOW SOME FIGHT.

HE SHOULDN'T HAVE STROLLED IN.

HE SHOULD HAVE ROLLED IN ON

THOSE SPEAKERS WITH THE WHEELS

AND THE BLINKING LIGHTS ON THEM.

THAT'S WHAT REAGAN DID IN 1982

WHY?

BECAUSE ID IT.

>> YES AND HE ALSO HAD

TREMENDOUS BALANCE, JON.

LOOK TO HISTORY WHEN TAFT

SUFFERED A MID TERM DEFEAT IN

1911 DID HE DRAG HIS ASS TO THE

PODIUM LIKE A KID GOING TO THE

DENTIST?

>> NO TAFT WAS ONE (bleep).

>> EXACTLY.

THANK YOU.

OF COURSE HE DIDN'T.

HE ROLLED HIMSELF DOWN THE

CARPET, KNOCKED OVER THE PODIUM

LEAPT UP AND SAID DON'T WORRY

AMERICA, I GET IT.

>> TAFT WASN'T FIT.

THOSE WERE LAYERS OF IT.

>> YES.

>> Jon: WHAT ABOUT THE SPEECH?

DID THAT CONNECT IN ANY WAY?

DID ANYONE?

>> LET'S HAVE A LISTEN?

>> GOOD AFTERNOON, EVERYBODY.

>> STOP IT RIGHT THERE!

ABSOLUTE DISASTER.

HE DIDN'T HAVE IT.

WHERE WAS IT?

WASN'T THERE.

I TURNED IT OFF.

>> YOU DIDN'T WATCH THE ACTUAL

SPEECH.

>> I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT

KIND OF IT.

>> Jon: WYATT, DID YOU?

>> NO I WAS WAITING FOR LI'L

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

THIS TUESDAY -- THIS TUESDAY

WHICH WAS ELECTION DAY WHILE

DEMOCRATS WERE GETTING THEIR

ASSES HANDED TO THEM BY

REPUBLICANS OUR THIRD BRANCH OF

GOVERNMENT WAS DEALING WITH A

DIFFERENT TYPE OF BLOODBATH.

>> DO CHILDREN NEED PROTECTION

FROM VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES OR IS

VIRTUAL VIOLENCE A FORM OF FREE

SPEECH.

THE SPORT IS LOOKING AT BANNING

VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES FOR KIDS

YOUNGER THAN 18.

>> Jon: I LOVE THAT GAME HOW

TO WE KEEP VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES

OUT OF THE HANDS OF CHILDREN.

WE TURN TO JOHN HODGMAN AND HIS

SEGMENT YOU'RE WELCOME.

♪ ♪

>> Jon: THANK YOU VERY MUCH

JOHN, FOR JOIN US TONIGHT.

>> YOU'RE WELCOME.

>> Jon: THANK YOU.

SHOULD THE SUPREME COURT BAN

VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES FOR

CHILDREN?

>> THAT'S ABSURD, JON.

THEY ARE A FORM OF EXPRESSION.

THEY ARE THE NOVELS OF THE NEXT

GENERATION TO.

BAN THEM WOULD BE LIKE MANNING

MOBY DICK BECAUSE CAPTAIN AHAB

TEARS THE WHALES HEAD OFF, SET

SETS HIS HEAD ON FIRE.

WHICH HAPPENS ACCORDING TO THE

GAME I PLAYED.

>> Jon: IT'S A FIRST AMENDMENT

ISSUE?

>> ABSOLUTELY.

THE JUSTICES DON'T UNDERSTAND

THIS BECAUSE LET'S FACE IT THEY

PROBABLY NEVER PLAYED A

INDIVIDUAL YES GAME THEY WOULD

EVER LIKE WHICH BRINGS ME MY

FIRST SOLUTION.

>> Jon: SHOWS NOT ALL GAMES

ARE VIOLENT.

>> SHOW THEM ONE AWESOME GAME TO

INN WHICH SUPREME COURT JUSTICES

GET TO BE VIOLENT.

GIVE THEM A TASTE OF WHAT IT'S

LIKE.

WITH JUSTICE SCALIA IT'S EASY.

WE HAVE A VIDEO GAME IN WHICH AN

ITALIAN AMERICAN DISPENSES HARSH

JUSTICES WITH A HEAVY GAVEL.

>> Jon: THAT'S DONKEY KONG.

>> IT'S STRICT CONSTRUCTIONIST

MAN VERSUS THE EVIL APE KONG.

>> Jon: VERSUS THE REST OF THE

COURT?

>> YOU KNOW I HAVE A VIDEO GYM,

RIGHT, JON?

>> WE'VE GOT BETA ON A GAME THE

SUPREME COURT IS GOING TO LOVE

HABEAS CORPSUS BLOOD VERSUS THE

BOARD OF ZOMBIES.

IT'S THE FIRST NINE PERSON

SHOOTER.

>> JUSTICE IS BLIND AND NOW YOU

ARE, TOO.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: I DON'T THINK

FLATTERING THE JUSTICES WITH A

NINE PERSON SHOOTER IS GOING TO

WIN THEM OVER.

>> WELL, OKAY IF THE FIRST

AMENDMENT WON'T WORK JOHN LET'S

MOVE ON TO SECOND AMENDMENT

REMEDIES.

GUNS, JON.

I'M TALKING ABOUT THE FOR THE

FIRST TIME EVER COMBINING VIDEO

GAMES WITH GUNS.

>> Jon: THEY'VE GUNS.

>> I'M TALKING ABOUT REAL GUNS,

JON.

WAL-MART WOULD NEVER DREAM OF

BANNING ACTUAL FIREARMS FROM

THEIR STORE.

THEY SELL VIDEO GAMES THERE.

>> ASSUMING THEY SELL SCOTCH

TAPE, WELCOME TO THE NEW FAMILY

GAME NIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: WHY WOULD YOU NEED AN

ASSAULT RIFLE FOR FAMILY GAME

NIGHT?

>> WHAT, JON, YOU ARE SAYING I

CAN'T EVEN DEFEND MY FAMILY

ANYMORE ON GAME NIGHT WHEN WE'RE

MOST VULNERABLE?

>> Jon: JOHN, IT SEEMS LIKE

YOUR SOLUTIONS STILL JUST MAKE

VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES AVAILABLE TO

CHILDREN.

>> AVAILABLE, JON.

THE KEY IS TO MAKE THEM LESS

ASSURING TO CHILDREN -- ALLURING

TO CHILDREN.

WHICH YOUNGSTER WOULDN'T WANT TO

BE THE THUG IN GRAND THEFT AUTO?

IT'S EVERY KID'S DREAM.

WHAT IF WE COULD USE TECHNOLOGY

TO TAKE OUT THE SO CALLED HEROS

OF THE MOST VIOLENT GAMES AND

REPLACE THEM WITH THE

SOPHISTICATED MUSINGS OF PUBLIC

RADIO'S IRA GLASS.

>> Jon: EVEN JOHN, IF THAT

WERE A GOOD IDEA, I'M NOT SURE

IT'S POSSIBLE.

>> JORNG AT MY COMPANY WE DON'T

UNDERSTAND THE MEANINGS OF THE

WORDS EVEN IF IT WERE A GOOD

IDEA I'M NOT SURE IT'S POSSIBLE.

TAKE A LOOK.

>> THIS SAY CARJACK MOTHER

(bleep) I'M GOING TO SHOOT

YOUR PENIS OFF.

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> THAT WORKS.

IT'S ADULTS IT'S MATURE,

SOPHISTICATED.

DO ANOTHER ONE.

>> LET'S ROLL!

>> Jon: THAT'S ACTUALLY --

THAT WAS IRA GLASS.

>> YES, OF COURSE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU AND I LOVE IRA GLASS BUT TO

CHILDREN IT'S CATNIP IF KIDS

WERE CATS AND NIP

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

MY GUEST TONIGHT THE BEST

SELLING AUTHOR, AND WHEN I SAY

BEST I MEAN BEST -- HIS NEW BOOK

IS CALLED "SQUIRREL SEEKS

CHIPMUNK."

PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE

PROGRAM DAVID SEDARIS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> THAT WAS GREAT TO SEE IRA IN

A CAT SUIT.

>> Jon: IRA GLASS, YOU, I

DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS A SHOWER A

PLEDGE DRIVE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING

TODAY.

"SQUIRREL SEEKS CHIPMUNK."

I'M ANGRY WITH YOU AT YOUR

ABILITY TO WRITE HILARIOUS BOOKS

QUICKLY.

HOW DO YOU -- THIS IS SUCH AN

INTERESTING IDEA.

WHERE IS THE IDEA FOR THIS BOOK

COME FROM?

>> SOMEBODY GAVE ME AN AUDIO

BOOK OF THESE FOLK TALES, SOUTH

AFRICAN FOLK TALES.

I STARTED LISTENING TO IT AND I

THOUGHT, CAN I DO BETTER THAN

THIS.

THEY JUST WEREN'T VERY GOOD.

IT WAS LIKE --

[LAUGHTER]

IT JUST WASN'T VERY GOOD.

I JUST STARTED --

>> Jon: DRIVING ALONG THINKING

I CAN DO BETTER THAN EASE SOUTH

AFRICA ORAL TRADITIONS.

I COULD WRITE THESE BETTER.

THESE ARE -- THE ANIMAL SORT OF

FABLES.

I MEAN CANINE INFIDELITY.

ALL SORTS OF VERY HUMAN PECK

DILLIES.

-- IT PACKS MORE PUNCH SOMEHOW.

>> IF YOU WERE GOING TO SAY

PHILIP AND LESLIE DATED FOR TWO

WEEKS AND THEY RAN OUT OF THINGS

TO TALK ABOUT.

AS A READER I WOULD NEED TO KNOW

WHAT LESLIE'S HAIR COLOR WAS AND

WHAT SHE LOOKED LIKE.

BUT THE SQUIRREL AND THE

CHIPMUNK, YOU CAN JUST START.

AS A READER AND LISTENER YOU

WOULD THINK FIVE PAGES.

I WOULD PERVERSE FOR THAT TO GO

ON FOR 17, 18 PAGES.

I LIKE THAT AS WELL.

[LAUGHTER]

THE BELIEVEITY.

>> Jon: IT IS BELIEVEITY --

BREVITY.

IN THE BEGINNING DID YOU THINK

IT WAS MOST NUT BASED

CONVERSATION AND THEN --

>> IT ACTUALLY WAS.

>> Jon: I WOULD THINK.

>> AND HOW MUCH THEY DISLIKED

DOGS.

>> Jon: REALLY?

AND THEN THEY BOND AND THAT'S

IT.

HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF DOING A

BOOK THAT DOES THIS LITERATURE

THAT WE HAVE TODAY.

I WOULD LOVE TO SEE ROMEO AND

JULIETTE DONE IN A SQUIRREL

CHIPMUNK TYPE -- I WOULD LIKE TO

SEE IT IN A DINNER THEATER.

NO GOOD?

>> DINNER THEATER.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: CAN YOU NOW -- ARE

YOU -- CAN YOU LOOK AT ANIMALS

IN THE SAME WAY OR ARE YOU -- IN

YOUR HEAD THINKING OF WHAT THEY

MIGHT BE TALKING ABOUT NOW.

HAS IT CHANGED THE WAY YOU

INTERACT WITH THE ANIMAL WORLD?

>> I'M A NATURE PERSON NOT

REALLY A PET PERSON.

I'M INTERESTED.

I LIKE READING ABOUT NATURE.

I LIKE READING ABOUT, YOU KNOW

HORRIBLE MEAN ANIMALS OR EVEN

FRIENDLY ONES.

I DON'T FEEL THE NEED TO OWN

THEM.

BUT THAT WAS AN INTERESTING

THING.

WORKING ON THE BOOK I WROTE A

STORY ABOUT GROUNDHOGS.

MY EDITOR WHO IS FANTASTIC IS

SAID IT'S OKAY.

WE DON'T HAVE ANY EXPECTATIONS

ABOUT GROUND HOGS.

WE EXPECT A CAT TO BE VAIN OR A

MONKEY TO CAUSE TROUBLE BUT WE

DON'T HAVE PRECONCEIVED NOTIONS

OF GROUND HOGS.

MAYBE WE COULD LOVE THIS OUT.

IT IS A GOOD NOTE.

IT WAS SOMETHING I HADN'T

THOUGHT ABOUT.

SHE'S A GOOD -- SHE'S ALSO THE

ONE WHO CAME UP WITH THE TITLE

OF THE BOOK.

I WANTED TO CALL IT LET'S

EXPLORE DIABETES WITH OWLS.

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK THAT IS -- I WAS SO

PROUD OF MYSELF WHEN I CAME UP

WITH THAT TITLE.

>> Jon: I LOVE IT.

IT'S REALLY FUNNY.

>> SHE SAID PLEASE DON'T PUT THE

WORD DIABETES IN YOUR BOOK.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: DO YOU THINK IN ANYWAY

SHE WAS CAVING TO PRESSURE FROM

THE GROUNDHOG COMMUNITY BUT NOT

INCLUDING GROUNDHOGS?

YOU COULD HAVE BEEN THE STANDARD

BARRIER FOR SETTING AN

EXPECTATION.

>> I WANTED TO RIGHT 25 STORIES

AND CUT TEN OF THEM.

THAT'S WHAT I ENDED UP DOING.

>> Jon: DO YOU APPROACH IT IN

A MATH MAT CALL WAY?

I BET I COULD SQUEEZE TO 200

PAGES AND DO 15 STORIES BUT I'LL

WRITE 25 BECAUSE THAT'S MY

RATIO?

DO YOU OVERBOOK YOUR OWN NOVELS

OR --?

>> I TRY TO.

I STARTED THIS SEVEN YEARS AGO.

I JUST THOUGHT I'LL WRITE FOR A

YEAR AND THEN EVENTUALLY I'LL

HAVE ENOUGH FOR A BOOK.

I DIDN'T SIT DOWN AND THINK FOR

THE NEXT GO YEARS I'M GOING TO

WRITE -- YOU COULD GO CRAZY.

I WROTE A COUPLE EVERY YEAR AND

READ THEM OUT LOUD AND THROUGH A

LOT AWAY AND REWROTE THEM.

HEARD, YOU KNOW, NOW I HAVE

IDEAS FOR REALLY GOOD ONES.

>> Jon: ARE YOU LIKE

SPINNING -- ARE YOU A PLATE

SPINNER?

DO YOU HAVE DIFFERENT BOOKS YOU

ARE WORK ON SIMULTANEOUSLY?

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: YOU MOVE FROM ONE TO

ONE TO ONE?

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: CAN I ONLY ACCOMPLISH

ONE THING AT A TIME AND THEN I

HAVE TO GO.

I DID NOT TIE MY SHOES TODAY.

[LAUGHTER]

TOO BUSY THINKING OF OTHER

THINGS.

CAN YOU GIVE US A HINT OF

SOMETHING ELSE THAT IS COMING

OUT?

A SAID SAID -- SEDARIS TEASER,

IF YOU WILL.

>> I WRITE ESSIVES.

>> Jon: DO YOU WRITE THINGS

AND SAY I CAN'T BELIEVE IT WENT

TO PRINT?

>> I'VE BEEN ON THIS TOUR FOR

THE LAST MONTH.

I LIKE TO HAVE A LITTLE PROJECT

ON TOUR, JUST A LITTLE THEME.

SO I'VE BEEN ASKING PEOPLE TO

TELL ME JOKES.

SOMEONE TOLD ME A JOKE LAST

WEEK.

I WISH THAT -- I GUESS I WISH I

MED -- MADE IT UP.

A MAN IS IN HIS HOUSE.

IT'S LATE AT NIGHT.

THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

IT'S A SNAIL.

THE SNAIL SAYS, I'D LIKE TO TALK

TO YOU ABOUT BUYING MAGAZINE

SUBSCRIPTIONS.

THE MAN IS FURIOUS HE'S BEEN

INTERRUPTED.

HE REARS BACK, KICKS THE IS

SNAIL AS HARD AS HE CAN.

SLAMS THE DOOR GOES TO BED.

WITH IT YEARS LATER HE IS

GETTING READY FOR -- TWO YEARS

LATER HE'S GETTING READY FOR BED

AND THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

HE ANSWERS IT.

IT'S THE SNAIL.

THE SNAIL GOES WHAT THE

(bleep) WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: SQUIRREL SEEKS

CHIPMUNK.

YOU MUST.

>> Jon: THAT'S IT!

THAT'S OUR SHOW!

OH, YEAH, BABY!

SEE YOU THIS WEEKEND AT THE

RALLY.

WOO!

[LAUGHTER]

ACTUALLY WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT

WEEK.

MONDAY WE'VE GOT GOVERNOR RICK

PERRY OF TEXAS IS GOING BE HERE.

WE'LL HAVE A CHAT.

THIS WEEKEND I'M GOING TO TAKE A

NAP BECAUSE I CAN'T THINK

STRAIGHT.

HERE IT IS YOUR MOMENT OF ZEN.

>> STEAL FROM ME I'M GOING TO

KILL

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