February 15, 2011 - January Jones

  • Episode: 16022
  • (0)

Republicans roast Barack Obama, and January Jones talks about the North and South Dakota rivalry.

>> Jon: GOOD SHOW FOR YOU

TONIGHT.

THANKS FOR JOINING US.

OKAY.

THIS ONE, OKAY, THAT'S FOR

THAT LADY.

NOW WE'LL MAKE THIS ONE.

THIS LADY BECAUSE WE PREPARED

A WHOLE SHOW FOR THE AUDIENCE

TONIGHT.

BUT ALL THEY WANT IS (BEEP).

I NOTICE YOU SOMETIMES CHOOSE

AN ENTIRE LITTLE PIECE OF

SKIN.

CAN I HAVE... I WAS GOING TO

MAKE IT.

OUR GUEST TONIGHT IS JANUARY

JONES ALTHOUGH....

( APPLAUSE )

IT IS, OF COURSE, FEBRUARY.

I'M BEING TOLD I'VE ALREADY

RUINED THE INTERVIEW.

AS YOU KNOW, EGYPT'S

REVOLUTION, SO-CALLED FOR THE

BRAVE WOMAN WHO INSPIRED IT,

HAS TOUCHED OFF NOT ONLY AN

ENORMOUS RISE IN THE GLOBAL

DEMAND FOR JASMINE BUT AN

OUTPOURING OF SUPPORT FOR THE

EGYPTIAN PEOPLE FROM AROUND

THE WORLD.

SOME OF THAT SUPPORT COMING

FROM UNUSUAL QUARTERS.

>> THE NATION OF EGYPT HAS THE

RIGHT TO BE FREE.

IT IS YOUR RIGHT TO PRACTICE

YOUR SOVEREIGNTY, ELECTING THE

TYPE OF GOVERNMENT, THE

ADMINISTRATION, THE RULERS.

>> Jon: HOLY... THAT IS

MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD STANDING

WITH EGYPT.

ON THE 32nd ANNIVERSARY OF

IRAN'S ISLAMIC REVOLUTION.

BY THE WAY IF YOU'RE THINKING

OF GETTING THEM SOMETHING I

BELIEVE THE 32nd ANNIVERSARY

IS THE ENRICHED URANIUM

ANNIVERSARY.

PERHAPS YOU CAN PICK SOME UP

AT MISLABELED CRATE AND

BARREL.

ANYWHO, AHMADINEJAD SUPPORTING

A FREE PEOPLE'S RIGHT TO

EXPRESSION AND ASSEMBLY WHICH

IS GREAT NEWS.

BECAUSE I KNOW THAT YESTERDAY

IRANIAN OPPOSITION GROUPS WERE

PLANNING A LARGE-SCALE

PEACEFUL PROTEST MUCH LIKE THE

ONES RICHLY PRAISED BY

AHMADINEJAD.

THIS MUST HAVE BEEN A

LOVEFEST.

>> IRANIAN SECURITY DETAILS

ARE OUT IN FORCE, FIRING TEAR

GAS AND BEATING PROTESTORS

WITH BATONS.

>> Jon: BATONS OF LOVE.

>> THEY'VE SHUT DOWN THE

INTERNET.

THEY'VE JAMMED FOREIGN

BROADCASTERS.

>> Jon: JAMMED THEM WITH LOVE.

>> IRANIAN LAWMAKERS WANT

OPPOSITION LEADERS TRIED AND

EXECUTED FOR ORGANIZING

PROTESTS.

>> Jon: TRIED AND EXECUTED

WITH (BEEP).

IT TURNS OUT THE IRANIAN

REGIME IS ONLY INTO FREEDOM

FOR EGYPTIANS.

I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU,

AHMADINEJAD, WITH THAT

ATTITUDE, I THINK YOU'RE GOING

TO HAVE A TOUGH TIME GETTING

RE-ELECTED.

REALLY THAT THIRD TERM IS NO

SLAM DUNK, SIR.

IRANIANS HAVE GOT TO BE

THINKING, WHAT DOES THAT

EGYPTIAN REVOLUTION HAVE THAT

WE DON'T HAVE?

YOU KNOW WHAT WORKED FOR THE

EGYPTIAN A STANDARD BEARER FOR

THE CAUSE.

THE EGYPTIANS HAD THAT

ARRESTED GOOGLE EXECUTIVE.

MAYBE YOU COULD GET THE

GOVERNMENT TO GRAB SOMEONE

FROM WHATEVER SEARCH ENGINE

IRANIANS ARE ALLOWED TO USE

LIKE, OH, YEAH, YAHOO-LULULULU.

LULULULULU.

DEPENDING ON HOW SHORT THE

SHOW WAS TONIGHT, THAT COULD

HAVE GONE ON FOR A WHILE.

ANYWAY, MACH MUD, IF YOU ARE

LISTENING-- AND I KNOW YOU

PROBABLY ARE.

I'M SURE YOU'LL STAY TUNED

AFTERWARDS.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST PRETEND

THAT EVERYONE IN YOUR COUNTRY

IS ACTUALLY EGYPTIAN, YOU KNOW,

THE PEOPLE YOU SEEM TO FEEL

(BEEP) DICTATOR.

OOPS.

BUT OF COURSE THE MIDDLE EAST

ISN'T THE ONLY PLACE WHERE

CITIZENS ARE CALLING FOR AN

OVERTHROW OF THE GOVERNMENT.

THERE WAS A GROUP OF

REVOLUTIONARIES CLOSER TO HOME

SPECIFICALLY AT WASHINGTON

D.C. WHERE REPUBLICANS

GATHERED FOR C-PAC, THE

CONSERVATIVE POLITICAL ACTION

CONFERENCE THAT WAS LAST YEAR

REFERRED TO AS THE REPUBLICAN

WOOD STOCK.

WHAT THIS YEAR'S THEME.

>> THE PRESIDENT WENT FROM

CHANGE YOU CAN BELIEVE IN TO

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS CHANGE?

>> THE WAY THINGS ARE GOING,

OBAMA MIGHT WANT TO LOOK INTO

BECOMING THE PRESIDENT OF

EGYPT.

NOBODY WOULD COMPLAIN ABOUT

HIM BEING A MUSLIM THEN.

>> Jon: BOOM!

IT'S LIKE A ROAST.

THIS YEAR IT'S A ROAST.

IT'S LIKE ONE OF THEM COMEDY

CENTRAL THINGS ONLY WITH

BARACK OBAMA AS THEIR PAMELA

ANDERSON AND SOCIALISM AS

THOUGH SHE WAS MARRIED TO

SOMEONE WITH A COMICALLY LARGE

PENIS.

LIKE ALL ROASTS, COMICS WITH

DIFFERENT STYLES GATHERED.

LET'S GO WITH THE OLD PRO

FREDDY ROMAN.

>> WASHINGTON HAS UNDERGONE A

RATHER BIZARRE TRANSFORMATION.

OVER THE PAST FEW WEEKS.

OL BER MAN IS OUT AND REAGAN

IS IN.

>> Jon: THAT WAS A GREAT JOKE

FROM SOMEONE BEST KNOWN FOR

BEING WHAT YOU HAVE TO DRAW TO

GET INTO ART SCHOOL.

BOOM!

GOOD STUFF.

LET'S SEE HOW THE C-PAC GAME

COOK WOULD FAIR, THE GUY WHO

IS HUNKY BUT NOBODY EVER

ADMITS TO LIKING.

>> THIS IS THE LEADER OF THE

FREE WORLD'S ANSWER TO THE

GREATEST JOB CRISIS SINCE THE

GREAT DEPRESSION?

WHAT'S NEXT?

LET THEM EAT CAKE?

EXCUSE ME.

LET THEM EAT ORGANIC CAKE?

>> Jon: BANG!

HE STOLE THAT JOKE.

I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU I'M

IMPRESSED SO FAR WITH THE

MATERIAL AND THE PERFORMANCES.

WHERE IS THE COMIC YOU

SECRETLY FIND REALLY HOT BUT

HOPE NEVER EVER BECOMES

PRESIDENT.

>> YOU MAY KNOW THAT THE

PRESIDENT OF CHINA IS NAMED

HU.

HIS NAME IS PRESIDENT HU.

AND WITH ALL THE MONEY THAT WE

OWE CHINA, I THINK WE MIGHT

RIGHTLY SAY HU'S YOUR DADDY.

>> Jon: OKAY.

SO NOW WE KNOW HOW YOU WOULD

TELL A JOKE TO

KINDERGARTENERS.

OR AN ENGLISH AS A SECOND

LANGUAGE CLASS.

NEITHER OF THEM ARE THERE.

OF COURSE LIKE ALL ROASTS

CERTAIN THEMES GET BEATEN TO

THE GROUND.

JOAN RIVERS HAD SOME WORK

DONE.

THE GUY IS SO OLD HE TAKES HIS

TEETH OUT WHEN YOU'RE BLOWING

HIM.

(LAUGHING)

SO WHAT'S THE LINE ON OBAMA?

>> I AM FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO BE

AN AMERICAN CITIZEN BY BIRTH.

AND I DO HAVE THE BIRTH

CERTIFICATE TO PROVE IT.

>> I'M NOT ONE WHO QUESTIONS

THE PRESIDENT'S BIRTH

CERTIFICATE AND THE EXISTENCE

OF HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

BUT WHEN YOU LISTEN TO HIS

POLICY, DON'T YOU AT LEAST

WONDER WHAT PLANET HE'S FROM?

>> Jon: YOU'RE JUST SAYING HE

WASN'T BORN HERE.

COME ON.

HEY, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN PRESIDENT OBAMA AND

THE "NEW YORK TIMES"?

ONE IS BLACK AND WHITE AND

FULL OF LIES.

THE OTHER IS A PUBLICATION

I'VE NEVER READ.

BOOM!

I'M NOT SAYING MALCOLM X IS

HIS BIOLOGICAL FATHER BUT THAT

IS WHAT I'M SAYING.

AND OF COURSE THERE'S ALWAYS

GOING TO BE A HECKLERS BUT A

REAL PRO HANDLES IT.

>> ALL RIGHT.

SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

(BEEP).

LIKE...

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THERE WAS AT LEAST ONE TOTALLY

RANDOM CELEBRITY.

MUHAMMAD ALI OR GEORGE

HAMILTON FOR SOME REASON ON

THE ROAST OF DAVID HASSLEHOFF.

C-PACK BOASTED A SPECIAL

APPEARANCE FROM A REAL ESTATE

DEVELOPER WHO IS BEGINNING TO

REPRESENT A VERSION OF

HIMSELF.

>> I WISH... BY THE WAY RON

PAUL CANNOT GET ELECTED.

I'M SORRY TO TELL YOU.

I CAN TELL YOU THIS, IF I RUN

AND IF I WIN, THIS COUNTRY

WILL BE RESPECTED AGAIN.

>> Jon: OH, YEAH.

YOU'D REALLY CLASS UP

WASHINGTON.

YEAH.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'D DO TO.

I WOULD GET THIS COUNTRY OUT

OF BANKRUPTCY.

THEN I'LL PUT IT BACK INTO

BANKRUPTCY.

THEN OUT AGAIN.

THEN IN AGAIN AND SO-AND-SO

FORTH UNTIL, BOOM, IT'S THE

FUTURE.

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYONE.

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

MANY OF YOU MAY HAVE MISSED

THIS.

46-YEAR-OLD NEW YORK

CONGRESSMAN CHRIS LEE RESIGNED

AFTER BEING CAUGHT TRYING TO

SOLICIT SEX ON CRAIGSLIST BY

POSTING A SHIRTLESS PHOTO OF

HIMSELF.

FIRST THING FIRST: DUDE,

YOU'RE 46.

WHERE DO YOU FIND THE TIME?

AND, TWO, THAT GUY HAS TO BE

THE LUCKIEST GUY ON EARTH.

HIS STORY CAME OUT THE SAME

DAY AS THE EGYPTIAN

REVOLUTION.

GUESS WHAT.

FOCUS REGAINED.

WE AT THE DAILY SHOW ARE GOING

TO COVER THIS THE WAY WE

ALWAYS COVER SEX SCANDALS,

BABY.

WE COVER SEX SCANDALS RIGHT,

BABY.

WELL, STILL 11:30 BUT WE WON'T

LET THIS ONE SLIDE.

VERY DIFFICULT TO DO BOTH.

STOP THE MUSIC.

>> I'VE GOT BREAKING NEWS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: JOHN OLIVER WITH THE

BREAKING NEWS.

>> THIS JUST IN, JON.

A FORMER MAYOR OF A TOWN IN

INDIANA MAY HAVE A GOVERNMENT

CENTER NAMED AFTER HIM.

MORE ON THIS AS DETAILS BECOME

AVAILABLE.

>> Jon: YOU BROKE INTO THE BIG

SHIRTLESS CONGRESSMAN'S

MUSICAL BID FOR THAT?

♪ NOT COOL ♪♪

>> JUST GIVE ME A SECOND, JON.

JUST WATCH THAT.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

>> THE PEOPLE VOTED AND THE

TOP PICK SO FAR WITH MORE THAN

10,000 VOTES IS THE HAIRY

BALLS GOVERNMENT CENTER.

( APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: THEY THE GUY'S NAME

WAS HAIRY BALLS.

>> YES HIS NAME WAS HARRY

BALLS.

>> Jon: THANK YOU.

IT IS KIND OF FUNNY BUT IT'S

REALLY NOT RELEVANT.

>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, JON.

THERE'S MORE IN THERE.

>> THERE'S ALREADY A STREET

NAMED AFTER FORMER MAYOR HARRY

BALLS.

THE COMMUNITY IS READY TO NAME

A SECOND THING AFTER HIM.

♪.

>> Jon: IF I MAY, THAT ONLY

SEEMS FAIR.

THERE REALLY SHOULD BE A PAIR

OF HARRY BALLS.

>> THAT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S

TRUE, BABY.

♪ YES, TECHNICALLY ♪♪

>> YOU CAN SEE NOW WHY I HAD

TO INTERRUPT THE BROADCAST.

IN INDIANA THEY'RE THINKING OF

NAMING A MUNICIPAL BUILDING

AFTER A MAN WHOSE NAME IS

HARRY BALLS.

♪ IS IT NEAR THE COMMUNITY

CENTER? ♪♪

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: OH!

♪ THAT NAME FOR STATE

COMPTROLLER HAYWARD

YOUBLOWME ♪♪

>> Jon: YOU'RE NOT GETTING

FULL COVERAGE OF YOUR SEX

SCANDAL HOLDS FOR NOW.

>>

♪ THIS DUDE MUST HAVE A

RABBIT'S FOOT OR A LEP RE CAN

UP HIS ASS ♪♪

>> Jon: THIS ISN'T OVER, LEE.

WE'LL GET YOU.

WE'L

>> Jon: THAT'S OUR SHOW.

HERE IT IS YOUR MOMENT OF ZEN.

>> I WAS DOING A 10:00

NEWSCAST ONE NIGHT.

I HAD NEVER SEEN THE NAME IN

MY LIFE.

THE PHONE RANG ABOUT 30

SECONDS LATER.

I PICK IT UP AND ANSWERED IT.

AND THE VOICE SAID, IS BOB

CHASE THERE PLEASE?

I SAID SPEAKING.

HE SAID, SON, THIS IS YOUR

MAYOR.

AND HE SAYS, I

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