January 26, 2012 - Tilda Swinton

  • Episode: 17051
  • (0)

The Supreme Court deliberates over televised profanity and religious law, Newt Gingrich shoots for the moon, and Tilda Swinton discusses her acting career.

>> Jon: WELCOME TO THE DAILY

SHOW.

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

GOT A NICE SHOW FOR YOU

TONIGHT.

THE STAR OF THE NEW FILM "WE

NEED TO TALK ABOUT KEVIN"

AND OBVIOUSLY NEXT WEEK IN

THE INTEREST OF FAIRNESS,

WE'LL BRING ON KEVIN.

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT HIS

NEW FILM, REALLY?

REALLY?

WE'VE BEEN TALKING A LOT

ABOUT THESE PAST FEW WEEKS

ABOUT THE PRESIDENT AND

CONGRESS.

THERE'S A THIRD AND EQUAL

BRANCH OF GOVERNMENT, THE

JUDICIAL BRANCH WHICH BY NOW

MUST BE FEELING SOMEWHAT

IGNORED.

THAT CHANGED TONIGHT WITH

OUR BRAND-NEW SEGMENT A LOVE

SUPREME.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SORRY.

WE DIDN'T FORGET ABOUT YOU

SUPREME COURT BABY.

WHY DON'T YOU CHANGE INTO

SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE.

ACTUALLY, YOU WEAR ROBES, I

MEAN, YEAH.

I GUESS YOU COULD MAKE THE

PUBLIC MORE PLUSH BUT YOU

PROBABLY JUST WEARING A

SNUGGIE.

ANY WAY, THE POINT IS THIS.

THE SUPREME COURT HAS BEEN

HEARING SOME NEW CASES,

LET'S CHECK IN.

>> THE U.S. SUPREME COURT IS

NOW CONSIDERING A CHALLENGE

TO GOVERNMENT RULES BARRING

CURSING AND NUDITY ON THE

MAJOR NETWORKS.

>> RIGHT NOW PROFANITY AND

WARDROBE MALFUNCTIONS CAN

GET BROADCASTERS SLAPPED

WITH SIX FIGURE FINES.

THE NETWORKS INCLUDING ABC

ARGUE IN THIS DAY AND AGE

THAT'S JUST NOT FAIR.

>>

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: THAT IS SOME FRESH

MELLON.

THAT PERSON IS IN SHAPE.

BUT HERE'S WHAT I DON'T

UNDERSTAND.

ABC GOT FINED FOR AIRING

THAT KIND OF SEXY TIME

FOOTAGE ON ONE OF THEIR

PRIME TIME SHOWS BUT IT'S

OKAY FOR ABC NEWS TO RUN

THAT SAME SEXY TIME FOOTAGE

IN THE EVENING BECAUSE

THEY'RE REPORTING ON THE

FINE?

THAT DOESN'T MAKE-- WHATEVER

WEIRD WORKS AROUND AND

LOOPHOLES ARE WE DEALING

WITH HERE.

>> MOST OF THE TELEVISION

PROGRAMS THAT COME INTO

AMERICAN HOMES ARE

UNREGULATED, THAT INCLUDES

WHAT IS ON THE CABLE

NETWORKS AND THE INTERNET.

>> Jon: OH CABLE PROGRAMS

LIKE MINE ARE UNREGULATED.

WHY CAN'T I SAY [BLEEP].

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I DID SAY IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT, MAYBE I DID

SAY IT.

I DON'T WATCH THIS SHOW SO I

DON'T KNOW IF THEY BLEEPED

IT OR ALLOWED ME TO JUST SAY

[BLEEP].

WELL, IF ANYONE CAN MAKE

SENSE OF WHAT APPEAR TO BE

ARBITRARY AND ARCHAIC

DISTINCTIONS OF PROFANITY

AND NUDITY IT'S THE NINE

BEROBED BIG BRAINS OF THE

SUPREME COURT.

CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS,

YOU'RE THE CHIEF JUSTICE,

CLEARLY THAT MEANS THE

SMARTEST, WHAT SAY YOU.

>> PEOPLE UNDERSTAND, WHICH

HAVE DEMONSTRATED I THINK

THAT THE CONTEXT MATTERS.

PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THAT

INCLUDING CHILDREN.

WHEN THEY HEAR A BAD WORD

WHEN SOMEONE HITS THEIR

THUMB WAY HAMMER THEY

UNDERSTAND THAT'S DIFFERENT

THAN HAVING AN ADULT STAND

IN NORMAL CONVERSATION AND

USE THE WORD.

>> Jon: THAT IS SO TRUE.

AND I GUESS IT EXPLAINS THAT

GREAT PBS SHOW THIS OLD

[BLEEP] HOUSE.

IT'S-- LOOK AT THAT GUY.

IS THAT THE NEW-- THAT'S THE

NEW HOST.

IT'S AN INTERESTING F

SOMEWHAT ONEROUS LOOPHOLE,

YOU KNOW WHAT, LET ME TRY IT.

[BLEEP], NO.

OH [BLEEP]-- DID THAT GET

THROUGH.

(APPLAUSE)

THAT WAS DUMB OF ME.

SO I GUESS THAT THERE ARE

DISTINCTIONS OF WHEN YOU CAN

USE OBSCENE LANGUAGE.

LET'S GET BACK TO SEXY TIME

PICTURES.

WHEN CAN NETWORKS AIR THOSE

AND BY THE WAY AS AN ADDED

LAYER OF IRONY TO THE

CENSORSHIP CASE, WE DON'T

HAVE ACTUAL FOOTAGE OF THE

SUPREME COURT ARGUMENT

BECAUSE THE SUPREME COURT

DON'T ALLOW NO CAMERAS.

I ASSUME SO THEY CAN GET IN

THEIR MOST FAVORITE JUDGING

POSITIONS.

OH, OH.

WOW.

YES, HMMMM, I MEAN LET ME

SAY THIS, HERE YE HERE YE,

ALL RISE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: ANYWAY, SORRY.

BY THE WAY I'M SURE AT HOME

THAT WAS COVERED UP.

I'M HOPING.

JUSTICE STEVEN BRYER

DISCUSSES WHY EVEN GRANTING

SOME SEXY TIME PICTURE

EXCEPTIONS CAN GET TRICKY

LIKE THE CASE REGARDING THE

"NYPD BLUE" EPISODE

FEATURING FEMALE NUDITY.

>> YOU RAN AT YOUR CLIENT

AFTER 10:00 ON BOTH COASTS

AND THEY CHOOSE TO RUN IT AT

9:00 FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON

IN THE MIDWEST.

MAYBE THEY THOUGHT,

I-- WHATEVER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: YEAH, I MEAN COY

DEFINITELY SEE SIDE BUTT

FROM CIRKA 1994 AT 10:00 BUT

9:00 P.M.?

WHAT AM I ROMAN POLANSKI

OVER HERE?

I'M TRYING TO EAT DINNER,

DRAPE YOUR FLANKS, WOMAN.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M GLAD

SOMEONE'S OUT THERE

PROTECTING AMERICA'S

DELICATE SENSIBILITY PRE10

P.M.

BECAUSE IF THOSE TYPES OF

BARELY CLOTHED IMAGES WERE

TO IL FILL-- INFILTRATE THE

AIRWAVES WE NOT HAVE ROOM

FOR THE MORE WHOLESOME FAIR

THAT DOES AIR AT 9:00 P.M.

IN THIS COUNTRY EVERY

[BLEEP] NIGHT AS WE SPEAK ON

BROADCAST NETWORK'S

TELEVISION.

AND BY THE WAY I'M GOING

SHOW IT TO YOU RIGHT NOW

BECAUSE IT'S 11:00 ON A

BASIC CABLE PROGRAM AND I'M

STILL GOING TO WARN YOU

ABOUT IT.

>> SHE SODOMIZED TWO MEN AND

SEARED THEIR CHEST WITH A

COAT HANGAR.

>> SODOMIZED WITH A HAVE A

LYNN BOW.

>> SODOMIZED WITH A TIRE

IRON.

>> WHO WOULD WANT TO CUT

YOUR PENIS OFF?

>> AMY FIEDLER, 22 YEARS OLD

A MEMBER OF SIGMA AT THE

TIMEA DELTA.

>> GET OUT OF HERE.

>> I DO THINK THERE WAS A

REASON THAT THE KILLER

SODOMIZED YOUR HUSBAND WITH

A BANANA?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: BECAUSE THE STORE

WAS OUT OF PAPAYAS?

(LAUGHTER)

TO BE FAIR I THINK THAT LAST

IN THE MIDWEST, THE

HEARTLAND.

SO BUT IT'S NOT ALL DIRTY

TALK AND SEXY TIME AT THE

SUPREME COURT THEY ARE ALSO

DABBLING IN WEIGHTIER FIRST

AMENDMENT ISSUES SUCH AS.

>> IS THERE SOMETHING

DIFFERENT ABOUT THE WAY A

CHURCH MANAGINGS ITS

EMPLOYEES THAT THE

GOVERNMENT CAN'T TOUCH, AND

A WOMAN WHO WAS A TEACHER AT

A LUTHERAN SCHOOL IN

MICHIGAN DEVELOPED A DISEASE

KNOWN AS NARCOLEPSY WHICH

CAUSED ANOTHER FALL INTO

PERIODS OF DEEP SLEEP.

SO SHE LEFT FOR TREATMENT.

WHEN THEY CAME BACK THE

CHURCH SAID SORRY, WE DON'T

HAVE ANY OPENINGS.

>> Jon: MOST PLACES CAN'T

FIRE SOMEONE BECAUSE THEY

HAVE NARCOLEPSY, THE

AMERICAN WITH DISABILITIES

ACT BUT CAN A CHURCH.

IT'S ON.

RELIGIOUS FREEDOM V THE

AMERICANS WITH DISABILITY

ACT.

THERE IS ONLY THREE WAYS IT

CAN GO.

EITHER 5-4 OR 4-5 OR MAYBE 4

AND A HALF, 4 AND A HALF.

>> WE HAVE SOME BREAKING

NEWS FOUR OUT OF THE SUPREME

COURT IN A UNANIMOUS

DECISION THE JUSTICES RULED

THAT A TEACHER FIRED FOR A

DISABILITY FROM A RELIGIOUS

SCHOOL CANNOT SUE.

>> 9-0 WITH THE COURT LIB

RAMS JOINING THE

CONSERVATIVES.

NONE OF THE LIBERALS EVEN

WROTE SEPARATELY TO SAY A

PEEP ABOUT THIS DECISION.

THEY OBVIOUSLY AGREED IN IT

SO MUCH.

>> WHOA, 9-0.

THESE JUDGES WERE 8-1 ON

WHETHER WORK SUKD OR NOT.

GINSBURG IS ALL IT WAS LIKE

A MODERN DAY BOSUM BUDDY.

IT'S LIKE PUSY TIMES 2, WE

NEED THESE SHOWS.

MORE MORE ON THE RELIGIOUS

ENG, EXEMPTION STORY WE GO

TO AASIF MANDVI.

WHAT IS THE REACTION TO THIS

WHAT IS THE REACTION TO THIS

DECISION.

>> WELL, JON, BIG WINNERS

HERE ARE RELIGIOUS FREEDOM

ADVOCATES.

THEY ARE THRILLED!

>> THAT'S THEIR RELIGIOUS

DECISION.

RESPECT THEIR RELIGION AND

RESPECT THE --

>> THE DETERMINATION

RELIGIOUS LIBERTY TRUMPS

ALL.

HANDS-OFF.

>> WOW.

>> SO BIG HALLELUJAH WENT UP

ACROSS THE COUNTRY.

>> YOU HEAR THAT, JON.

HALL A LIEU LA.

>> Jon: YOU SEEM PRETTY

CHIPPER YOURSELF, AASIF.

>> CHIPPER NO, I'M NOT

CHIPPER.

>> Jon: ARE YOU, ARE YOU

SMILING.

>> WELL, I JUST FIND TIN

DIEGO-- INTRIGUING THAT THE

NINE JUSTICES IN THEIR

WISDOM UNANIMOUSLY AGREED

THAT RELIGIOUS LAW CAN

OVERRIDE CIVIL LAW, WHETHER

IT'S A LUTHERAN ORR ABINICAL

COUNCIL OR THE IMAM OF A

MOSQUE.

>> Jon: WLOE, I SEE WHERE

YOU ARE GOING, NO, NO, MY

FRIEND, FORGET IT.

>> WHAT DID YOU SAY.

>> Jon: YOU ARE SAYING THIS

DECISION PAVES THE WAY FOR

THE SHARIA LAW HERE IN

AMERICA WITH THE HALLA PART.

>> I'M JUST SAYING, FOR

INSTANCE THERE IS THIS MOSS

INCOME FLORIDA WHERE A JUDGE

TRIED TO USE SHARIA LAW TO

SOLVE A DISPUTE BETWEEN

MUSLIMS.

>> Jon: TOTALLY DIFFERENT

SITUATION.

>> WHY?

>> Jon: YOU MUSLIM --

>> MUSLIMS ARE SCARY.

>> SO YOU SAY LUTHERANS CAN

USE THE CHURCH TO SOLVE

THEIR DISPUTES BUT A MOSQUE

CAN'T USE THEIR RELIGIOUS

LAW.

>> Jon: NO, NO, AASIF, NO-- YES.

>> WHY?

>> Jon: LUTHERANS ARE VERY

EASY GOING.

THEY CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS,

WEAR SWEATER VEST, FROM WHAT

I UNDERSTAND THEY LOVE PARK.

I JUST THINK THAT THE

SCARIEST LUTHERAN THEY ONLY

HAVE IS WILLIAM H. MACY

WHO'S AWESOME.

>> YEAH, YEAH, NOW.

BUT BY NOW HE'S 95 FEET FROM

THE CATHEDRAL DOOR, MARTIN

LUTHER PARTS EUROPE IN A

CENTURY OF BLOODY RELIGIOUS

WAR AND ALL WE HAD WAS ALL

HE HAD WAS A HAMMER AND

STATIONERY, JUST IMAGINE

WHAT THEY WILL DO WITH THE

FULL FORCE OF THE SUPREME

COURT BEHIND THEM.

TODAY IT'S FIRING TEACHERS.

TOMORROW IT IS FORCING YOUR

KIDS TO LISTEN PRAYERIE HOME

COMPANION IN SCHOOLS.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: NEVER GOING HAPPEN.

THANK YOU, AASIF.

>> MARK MY WORD

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

BIG WEEK, BIG, BIG WEEK.

A BIG WEEK FOR ONE NEWTON

LEROY GINGRICH TAKING HIS

VICTORY TO SOUTH CAROLINA

PRIMARY AND BROUGHT THAT

NEWT-MENTUM DOWN TO FLORIDA.

>> RIGHT NOW THERE IS NO

CANDIDATE IN THIS STATE

HOTTER THAN GINGRICH.

>> OH MY GOSH.

>> Jon: I'M TELLING YOU MAN,

I KNOW THAT UNDER SO, HERE

COME THE GRAHNIE PANTIES.

NOW GINGRICH DOES HAVE

MOMENTUM BUT THERE ARE STILL

CONCERNS ABOUT VOTERS THAT

GINGRICH NEEDS TO ADDRESS.

>> YOU KNOW, I WAS ATTACKED

THE OTHER NIGHT FOR BEING

GRANDIOS.

>> Jon: CAN'T A GUY DOODLE

HIS HEAD ON MT. RUSHMORE

WITHOUT TAKING HEAT FROM THE

LAMESTREAM EVERY ONE,

ACTUALLY NEWT SAY PRETTY

SHREWD POLITICIAN.

I'M SURE WILL TAKE STEPS TO

BLUNT THAT LINE OF ATTACK.

>> I'M GOING GIVE A SET OF

GOALS AND THEN I WILL MAKE A

SET OF OBSERVATIONS ABOUT

HOW TO ACHIEVE THOSE GOALS.

BY THE END OF MY SECOND TERM--

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: WHY, WHY LIMIT

YOURSELF TO TWO.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M SURE

IT'S MORE MODEST AND HUMBLE

THAN IT SOUNDS.

PROBABLY GOING TO SAY

SOMETHING ABOUT HIS SECOND

TERM, HAVE SOME BUDGETARY

SCHRIDGING, SOLID,

ACHIEVABLE CONSERVATIVE

ASPIRATION.

>> BY THE END OF MY SECOND

TERM-- WE WILL HAVE THE

FIRST PERMANENT BATES ON THE

MOON AND IT WILL BE

AMERICAN.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: A MOON BASE?

YOUR SOLUTION TO BEING

ACCUSED OF GROONSDITY IS

GIVE ME EIGHT YEARS AND I

HAVE HAVE A [BLEEP] MOON

BASE.

DID YOU START WITH DEATHSTAR

AND GOT KIND OF REIGNED IN?

BY THE WAY MR. MOON BASE

BASE-- MR. MOONBASE WHAT WAS

YOUR PROBLEM WITH RON PAUL

AGAIN?

>> YOU LOOK AT RON PAUL'S

TOTAL RECORD OF SYSTEMIC

AVOIDANCE OF REALITY, THERE

WILL COME A MORNING PEOPLE

WON'T TAKE HIM AS A SERIOUS

PERSON.

>> Jon: YEAH, NO, THEY WON'T,

YOU'RE RIGHT, THEY WON'T.

YOU'RE RIGHT, MR. MOONBASE

THEY WON'T TAKE RON PAUL

SERIOUSLY.

AND THAT'S WHY I'M GOING

MAKE RON PAUL MY FIRST

AMBASSADOR TO MOONLANDIA.

HE'S OUT THERE.

SO WHAT EXACTLY ARE WE

SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS

MOON BASS?

>> WHEN WE HAVE 13,000

AMERICANS LIVING ON THE MOON

THEY CAN COMPETITION TO

BECOME A STATE.

>> Jon: 13,000, THAT'S NOT A

STATE, THAT'S LIKE A CONDO

DEVELOPMENT.

THAT'S NOT A STATE.

YOU WANT TO BE A CONDO

DEVELOPER ON THE MOON.

YOU WANT TO BE LIKE A LUNAR

TRUMP.

AND MAY I SAY THIS, LIKE

EARTH TRUMP, YOU WILL NOT

SHALL PRESIDENT.

HERE'S THE INTERESTING

THING--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: AS IF THERE IS

ANYTHING NOT INTERESTING

ABOUT NEWT GINGRICH'S

MOONBASE, SO IN 1993 WHEN

DEMOCRATS FLOATED THE IDEA

OF STATE HOUT FOR

WASHINGTON, D.C. WITH

500,000, OR LIKE 40 MOON

COLE ONEE.

NEWT GINGRICH SAID THE WHOLE

IDEA WAS CRAZY.

>> OF THOSE PEOPLE IN D.C.

UNHINGED.

NOBODY WILL TAKE AN IDEA

LIKE THAT SERIOUSLY UNLESS

YOU MOVE IT TO THE MOON.

I SEE WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.

THIS ISN'T ABOUT MAKING NEW

STATES.

NEWT GINGRICH DID THAT

GLOBAL WARMING AD WITH NANCY

PELOSI REALIZED THAT THE

EARTH IS VERY SICK, AND NOW

HE WANTS TO LEAVE IT FOR A

YOUNGER

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, MY

GUEST TONIGHT HUSBAND WHOLE

FILM IS CALLED WE NEED TO

TALK ABOUT HEAVEN.

-- KEVIN.

>> YOU CAN SAY BALL, BALL,

BALL, NO?

>> I WILL SHOW IT TO YOU.

YOU'RE GOING TO ROLL IT BACK

TO ME, OKAY?

OKAY.

ROLL IT BACK TO MOMMY.

ROLL IT BACK.

ROLL IT BACK.

OKAY.

>> Jon: WE'VE ALL BEEN

THERE.

PLEASE WELCOME TILDA

SWINTON.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NICE TO SEE YOU.

HOW ARE YOU.

>> NICE TO MEET YOU

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: HOW ARE YOU.

>> I'M VERY WELL, THANK YOU.

>> Jon: CONGRATULATIONS,

ANOTHER UNBELIEVABLY

TERRIFIC PERFORMANCE.

>> UNBELIEVABLE, IT'S ALWAYS

A REALLY SCARY THING TO SAY

ABOUT FILM.

YOU KNOW WHEN PEOPLE SAY SHE

WAS INCREDIBLE.

>> Jon: YES, WELL, I DON'T,

I HAVE HEARD PEOPLE SAY

THAT.

>> I SAW A POSTER SOMEBODY

SAID THEY WERE INCREDIBLE IN

THE FILM WHICH I THOUGHT WAS

KIND OF SCARY, UNBELIEVABLE

IS ALL RIGHT.

>> Jon: DO YOU TAKE-- DO YOU

KNOW YOUR HEART WHEN YOU

HAVE DONE A GREAT JOB.

IS IT DIFFICULT TO KNOW, ARE

THERE TIMES YOU COME OUT AND

PEOPLE PRAISE YOU AND I

THINK ACTUALLY NO I PHONED

IT IN ON THAT ONE, OR IS

THERE --

>> YEAH, YEAH, NO, I DON'T

KNOW.

>> Jon: YOU DON'T HAVE A

SENSE OF IT.

>> I TRY AND KIND OF, YOU

KNOW, STEAR CLEAR OF ANYBODY

WHO HAS GOT AN OPINION,

REALLY.

>> Jon: NOW HOW DO

YOU-- BECAUSE IT'S HARD.

THE THING IT IS STUFF

I-- TOUGH I THINK OF BEING

AN ACKER IS YOU DO THE BEST

AND YOU BUT YOU DON'T

CONTROL THE EDIT.

YOU HAVE TO REALLY TRUST THE

DIRECTORY PUT YOUR BEST WORK

OUT THERE YES.

>> YEAH, ALTHOUGH I HAVE A

HABIT OF PRODUCING AND I

HAVE PRODUCED THIS ONE TOO,

WHICH MEANS YOU CAN BE

AROUND TO KIND OF GET THE

GNARLLY BITS OUT.

>> Jon: THAT'S VERY SMART.

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: WHAT IF, AND THIS IS

JUST FROM MY EXPERIENCE AS

AN ACTOR, WHAT IF EVERYTHING

YOU'VE DONE IS A GNARLY BIT.

>> IS NATURALLY.

>> YOU JUST GO BANKRUPT AND

YOU NEVER RELEASE THE FILM.

>> Jon: THAT IS THE MISTAKE

I'VE MADE IN MY ACTING

CAREER.

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: I'VE HAD MY FILMS

RES RELEASED.

HAVE YOU DIRECTED SOME AS

WELL.

>> NO.

>> Stephen: .

>> Jon: IS THAT SOMETHING

WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY.

>> NO, NO, NO SKRZ WHAT

IS --

>> NO, NO,.

>> Jon: SO YET.

>> NO.

>> Jon: SO THAT'S A MAYBE.

>> NO.

>> Jon: SO YOU ARE SAYING

WOULD YOU LIKE TO DIRECT.

>> POSSIBLY, PROBE POSSIBLY,

NO, NO, REALLY NOT IN ANY

SENSE.

I'M TOO LADY-- LAZY BY FAR,

NO REALLY.

>> Jon: SO YOU PRODUCE THE

MOVIE, YOU ACT IN THE MOVIE

BUT DIRECTING, THAT IS WHERE

YOU DRAW THE LINE.

>> ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE.

>> Jon: WHAT IS IT ABOUT

DIRECTING THAT IS SOP MUCH

MORE STRENUOUS.

>> YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT KIDS,

I DON'T KNOW HOW PEOPLE

DIRECT MOVIES WITHOUT KIDS.

>> Jon: HERE IS WHAT I DO, I

WORK VERY HARD, YOU JUST

DON'T SEE THEM.

>> OKAY.

>> Jon: BUT THEN WHEN THEY

GET OLDER, YOU INTRODUCE

YOURSELF.

THAT'S HOW MY FAMILY HAS

BEEN DOING IT FOR

GENERATIONS.

>> HOW OLD ARE YOU YOUR

KIDS.

>> Jon: MY KIDS ARE --

>> YOU CAN REMEMBER?

>> Jon: NO, THEY'RE 7 AND

ALMOST 6.

>> OH, WOW.

>> Jon: HOW OLD ARE YOU

YOURS.

>> I'VE GOT TWO THE SAME AGE,

14.

>> Jon: I WOULD THINK WOULD

YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF THE

HOUSE AT THAT POINT.

>> NO, THEY'RE GREAT.

THEY'RE REALLY-- .

>> Jon: I FEEL LIKE 14 IS

THE ABLE WHERE EVERYONE SAYS

THEY TURN ON YOU.

>> IT'S NONSENSE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS

ABOUT.

THAT IS JUST ANOTHER WAY OF

SELLING DRUGS TO PARENTS.

>> Jon: WAIT, WHAT?

>> YES OR TO THE KIDS

EITHER.

>> Jon: MY CHILDREN ARE

LITTLE AND I'M ALREADY

TAKING THEM.

>> YOU HAVE A HANDY HABIT BY

THE TIME ARE YOU 14.

>> Jon: I CAN'T IMAGINE AN

AGE, 7 AND 6 THEY TILL HAVE

THAT INCREDIBLY INNOCENT

ENTHUSIASM.

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: BUT THE SARCASM HAS

NOT --

>> HASN'T COME IN.

>> Jon: THEY WOULD NEVER SAY

TO ME LIKE YEAH, THE ZOOK,

NICE IDEA, [BLEEP] LIKE

THERE'S THAT PURITY STILL OF

SPIRIT.

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: THAT I FEAR IS GOING

TO GO AWAY.

AT 14 DO THEY STILL HAVE

SOME OF THAT.

>> NO, YOU HAVE TO LIVE IN

THE HEIGHT OF THE SCOTTLAND

AND YOU HAVE TO LIVE IN A

TREE AND THEN THERE IS NOT A

PROBLEM.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT HERE IS MY

PROBLEM.

IS APARTMENT IN JERSEY.

SEE THAT WAS-- WHAT IS IT

ABOUT THAT --

>> SARCASM AROUND EVERY

CORNER.

>> Jon: IT'S TERRIBLE.

HAVE YOU DONE SOMETHING IN

PARTICULAR, ARE YOU A

DISCIPLINARY, MORE FRIENDLY

WITH THEM, HOW DO YOU GET IT

SO THAT THEY DON'T GO GET

OUT OF MY ROOM.

>> NO, I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE I

I DON'T KNOW.

>> Jon: DOW SMOKE POT WITH

THEM?

>> THEY SMI I AM-- THINK I'M

REALLY DIM WHICH IS A GOOD

LOOK FOR A PARENT.

THEY COME PAT YOU ON THE

HEAD AND THEY SAY, AND THEN

YOU CAN KIND OF CONTROL THEM

REMOTE CONTROL.

>> Jon: I HAVE THE SECRET

NOW.

ACT DUMB, PRETEND ARE YOU

THEIR FRENCH BULL DOG.

>> YOU HAVE ALMOST GOT TWINS

WHICH SAY GOOD THING BECAUSE

THEY WILL VERY SOON, DO THEY

ALREADY THINK THEY RULE YOU?

>> Jon: THEY DO ACTUALLY.

>> IT'S REALLY GOOD, KEEP

THAT GOING BECAUSE THEN YOU

CAN, YOU KNOW, MANAGE THEM.

>> Jon: I FEEL LIKE IT WILL

BE ONE OF THOSE SITUATIONS

WHERE I'M PRETENDING THEY

RULE ME AND ONE DAY MY WIFE

AND I GO YOU KNOW, THEY

ACTUALLY RULE US.

IT'S A LITTLE FRIGHTENING.

BUT NOW WE KNOW.

I'M SORRY WE DON'T HAVE MORE

TIME TO TALK BUT WE NEED TO

TALK ABOUT KEVIN S IN THE

THEATRES NOW.

SEE IT.

AND THEN MOVE YOUR FAMILY TO

A TREE IN SCOTLAND.

WHICH I THINK IS THE ANSWER.

TILDA SWINTON, EVERYBODY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Captioning sponsored by

COMEDY CENTRAL

Captioned by

Media Access Group at WGBH

access.wgbh.org

>> THAT'S HOUR SHOW, JOIN US

NEXT WEEK AT 11:00.

THERE IS YOUR MOMENT OF ZEN.

>> SOME PEOPLE HONORED TODAY

WHO WENT WAY BEYOND THE CALL

OF DUTY.

>> THE YOUNGEST HERO

7-YEAR-OLD RITA LAW LETTER

CREDITED WITH SAVING HER

MOM'S LIFE.

WHEN SHE COULDN'T WAKE HER

MOM UP SHE TOOK ACTION.

>> I CALL 911, BUT

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