June 25, 2014 - Keira Knightley

  • Episode: 19125
  • (0)

Two aging incumbents win re-election, Jordan Klepper and Jessica Williams share campus safety do's and don'ts, and Keira Knightley describes singing in "Begin Again."

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILYSHOW. I'M JON STEWART.

WE GOT A GOOD ONE TONIGHT.

OUR GUEST TONIGHT, KEIRAKNIGHTLEY, HOST OF THE NEWS

PARODY "THE KNIGHTLEY SHOW."

I SHOULD JUST GO NOW.

I'M SORRY.

[LAUGHTER]LET'S BEGIN TONIGHT WITH SOME

IMPORTANT PRIMARIES. REPUBLICANSENATOR THAD COCHRAN OF

MISSISSIPPI AND DEMOCRATICREPRESENTATIVE CHARLIE RANGEL OF

HARLEM, 160 YEARS OF LIFEBETWEEN THEM, 86 OR THOSE YEARS

IN ELECTED OFFICE, AAAAHHHH --IF THEY WERE ONE MAN, THEY WOULD

HAVE BEEN BORN IN 1854.

ELECTED TO CONGRESS IN 1928.

THEY WOULD HAVE DIED IN 1944 ANDSTILL HELD OFFICE FOR 70 MORE

YEARS.

[LAUGHTER]AND THEIR NAME WOULD HAVE BEEN

THARLY COCKANGEL OF THEMISSISSIPPI HARLEM COCKANGEL'S

AND THE BASIS FOR THE HIT TVSHOW, "THARLY'S COCKANGEL'S."

"HELLO, HELLO THARLY." "HELLOCOCKANGELS."

BOTH MEN FACED SERIOUSPRIMARY CHALLENGES. AND BOTH

MEN, ODDLY ENOUGH, WERE BAILEDOUT BY AFRICAN AMERICANS.

IT'S THE SUBJECT OF TONIGHT'S

"DEMOCALYPSE 2014: ALWAYS BET ONBLACK."

[LAUGHTER]OBVIOUSLY THE AFRICAN AMERICAN

VOTE IS ALWAYS IMPORTANT INCHARLIE RANGEL'S HARLEM AND

BRONX DISTRICT, BUT THIS YEAREVEN MORE SO BECAUSE THE 22-TERM

INCUMBENT -- 22-TERMINCUMBENT -- HIS INCUMBENCY CAN

NOW LEGALLY DRINK.

THE 22-TERM INCUMBENT, ANINVENTOR OF THE FAMED FRONT PANT

AIR BAG TECHNOLOGY.

HELLO, I'M CHARLIE RANGEL.

DO YOU WISH THE FRONT OF YOULOOKED MORE LIKE THE BACK OF

YOU?

[LAUGHTER]BUY MY FRONT BUTT PANTS.

ANYWAY, WHAT ARE WE TALKINGABOUT?

OH, YES, THE AFRICAN AMERICANTURNOUT MATTERED VERY MUCH

BECAUSE RANGEL'S DISTRICT HAS ALARGE DOMINICAN POPULATION NOW,

WHICH RANGEL FELT WAS VERYIMPORTANT TO HIS CHALLENGER,

ADRIANO ESPAILLAT.

>> HE WOKE UP ONE MORNING ANDFOUND OUT THERE WERE MORE

DOMINICANS IN THE BRONX ANDHIS AMBITIONS ALLOWED HIM TO

BELIEVE THAT HE SHOULD BE FIRSTDOMINICAN.

JUST WHAT THE HECK HAS HE DONEBESIDES SAYING HE'S A DOMINICAN?

[LAUGHTER]>> Jon: YES, LIKE MOST OLD MEN,

CHARLIE RANGEL IS RACIST.

AND I'M ASSUMING LIKES SOUP.

RANGEL WON.

HE BEAT ESPAILLAT.

BUT, OF COURSE, HE APPARENTLYDIDN'T KNOW THAT LAST NIGHT WHEN

HE WANDERED OUT ONTO THE STAGEIN FRONT OF HIS SUPPORTERS TO

FIND OUT WHAT WAS GOING ON... FOR ABOUT AN HOUR.

>> WHAT PERCENTAGE OF THE VOTEHAVE YOU HAD REPORTED THAT'S IN?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT PRECINCTLOCATION THEY ARE?

I'M AT WHAT?

>> 48.

>> 48.

SO THAT MEANS 20%...

>> 49%/42%.

>> 49%/42%. AND I'M UP.

WE ARE UP, SO.

>> 49% TO 42%.

>> 49%/42%.>> YES, SIR. AND YOU'RE UP.

>> AND I'M UP 49%/42%.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUSHOULD DO.

WELL, I THINK NOW WE ALL KNOWWHAT IT'S LIKE...

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]WE ALL KNOW NOW WHAT IT'S LIKE

TO GO TO THE MOVIES WITH CHARLIERANGEL.

"WHAT?

WHY?

WAIT.

WHO IS THIS?

WHO IS THIS SITH LORD AND WHO ISTHE... WHY IS THIS ONE SWORD

BLUE BUT THE OTHER'S RED?

WAIT THEY'RE BROTHER AND SISTER,WHY ARE THEY KISSING?"

HOW LONG WAS CHARLIE RANGELON STAGE?

LONG ENOUGH FOR THE EARTH TOSHIFT.

[CHEERING]>> THE PEOPLE HAVE WON. AND IF

YOU CAN JUST HAVETHE CAMERAS SWEEP OVER --

>> WHOA.

>> Jon: WRAP IT UP!

DO YOU NEED MORE OF A HINT?

THE EARTH'S TECTONIC PLATES ARETRYING TO PLAY YOU OFF STAGE.

[LAUGHTER]SO TWO MORE YEARS FOR CHARLIE

RANGEL TO CONTINUE TO PAY OFFHIS DOMINICAN REPUBLIC TIMESHARE

-- I MEAN REPRESENT THE GOODPEOPLE OF NEW YORK.

OF COURSE, IN MISSISSIPPI'SREPUBLICAN SENATE PRIMARY, BEING

DOMINICAN, LESS OF AN ISSUE.

THERE VOTERS HAD TO CONSIDER THEHARD CHOICE OF WHETHER

ESTABLISHMENT REPUBLICAN THADCOCHRAN OR TEA PARTY CHALLENGER

CHRIS McDANIEL WERE BETTERSUITED TO GO TO WASHINGTON AND

REFUSE TO COOPERATE WITH THEPRESIDENT.

[LAUGHTER]IT WAS AN IMPORTANT RACE, BUT

NOT AS IMPORTANT AS PEOPLE WOULDLIKE YOU TO BELIEVE.

>> "TIME" MAGAZINE CALLS IT "THEBATTLE FOR THE SOUL OF THE

G.O.P."

>> NOT ONLY WILL THE EYES OF THENATION BE ON THIS ELECTION

TOMORROW, BUT THE EYES OF THEWORLD WILL BE ON THIS ELECTION.

>> Jon: YES.

IF THERE IS ANY EVENT HAPPENINGRIGHT NOW THAT THE ENTIRE WORLD

IS WATCHING, IT'S THEMISSISSIPPI REPUBLICAN SENATE

PRIMARY RUN-UP.

YOU KNOW, IT'S INTERESTING,AROUND THE GLOBE PEOPLE HAVE

GATHERED TO WATCH WITH BATEDBREATH, HERE COME THE EARLY

RESULTS.

THERE IS NOTHING... THERE ISNO... OOOOOH!

IT'S THAD COCHRAN,COOOOOOOOCHRAN!

THAD COCHRAN DEFEATEDMcDANIEL, WHO WON THE INITIAL

PRIMARY BUT NOT BY ENOUGH TOAVOID A RUN-OFF.

SO HOW DID COCHRAN BEAT HIM?

>> COCHRAN RELIED ON BLACKDEMOCRATS TO PUT HIM OVER THE

TOP.

>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.

THAD COCHRAN WON THE MISSISSIPPIREPUBLICAN PRIMARY BECAUSE OF

THE SUPPORT OF BLACK DEMOCRATS.

BEFORE YOU JUMP TO THECONCLUSION THAT BLACK DEMOCRATS

THINK VERY HIGHLY OF THADCOCHRAN, LET ME GIVE YOU JUST A

TASTE, JUST A TASTE, A SOUPCONOF HIS OPPONENT, McDANIEL.

>> CHRIS McDANIEL APPARENTLYSAID THAT THERE'S NO PLACE FOR

FEDERAL FUNDING OF SCHOOLS HEREIN MISSISSIPPI.

>> IF THEY PASS REPARATIONS ANDMY TAXES GO UP, I AIN'T PAYING

TAXES.

>> McDANIEL HAS ALREADYKEYNOTED A NEO-CONFEDERATE

EVENT.

HE'S RETWEETED WHITESUPREMACISTS.

>> Jon: WELL, NOW, INMcDANIEL'S DEFENSE, THE WHITE

SUPREMACIST'S TWITTER ACCOUNTHAD SOME EXTREMELY CUTE CAT

VIDEOS.

AH.

HEY, EVERYBODY, LOOK.

EVERYBODY, IT'S KITLER.

YOU KNOW, YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MEOWFUHRER.

CLEARLY McDANIEL'S CANDIDACYCAUSED A GREAT DEAL OF CONCERN

IN MISSISSIPPI'S AFRICANAMERICAN COMMUNITY.

IS THERE ANY WAY McDANIELCOULD BEGIN HIS CONCESSION

SPEECH THAT WOULD IN EVERY WAYCONFIRM THEIR CONCERNS.

>> LET ME JUST SAY THIS: WEFOUGHT.

WE HAD A DREAM.

[AUDIENCE REACTS].

>> Jon: OH, BUT UNFORTUNATELYI WAS JUDGED BY THE CONTENT OF

MY CHARACTER.

AND SO IT IS THAT THE NATION'SAFRICAN AMERICANS HAVE RETURNED

THARLEY COCKANGEL TO CONGRESSFOR YEARS '87 THROUGH '94.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> HEY, WELCOME BACK.

WE'RE GOING TO CHECK IN RIGHTNOW WITH SOME OF OUR NATION'S

HALLOWED INSTITUTIONS OF HIGHERLEARNING.

>> U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATIONIS LOOKING INTO WHETHER SEXUAL

ASSAULT CASES AT JAMES MADISONUNIVERSITY HAVE BEEN MISHANDLED.

THE INVESTIGATION STEMS FROM ACOMPLAINT FILED BY A FORMER JMU

STUDENT. SHE CLAIMSTHREE FRATERNITY BROTHERS

PULLED OFF HER BATHINGSUIT TOP DURING A SPRING BREAK

TRIP TO FLORIDA LAST YEAR,RECORDED THE INCIDENT AND THEN

PASSED THE TAPE AROUND TOOTHERS.

>> Jon: WHOA.

EVEN THE CLASSIC VIRGINIA SAFETYSCHOOL IS NO LONGER SAFE.

[LAUGHTER]THIS CASE, YEAH, YOU'VE BEEN TO

JMU, HUH? THIS CASE ISHORRIFYING, BUT AT LEAST,

AT LEAST THE WOMAN HAS EVIDENCE,YOU KNOW, VIDEO.

MOST SEXUAL ASSAULT CASES ARENOTORIOUSLY DIFFICULT TO PROVE.

OFTEN VICTIMS DON'T FEEL LIKETHEY CAN COME FORWARD.

AND THEN THERE'S GOING TO BEDENIALS AND APPEALS. AT LEAST

THIS TIME THE SCHOOL CANNOTSWEEP THIS UNDER THE RUG.

SO, SO WHAT'S THE PUNISHMENT?

>> ALL THREE STUDENTSRESPONSIBLE FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT

AND HARASSMENT EXPELLED UPONGRADUATION.

>> Jon: YES!

JUSTICE!

WAIT A MINUTE.

EXPELLED UPON GRADUATION?

ISN'T THAT GRADUATION?

[LAUGHTER]>> THEY MAY NOT BE ON JMU'S

CAMPUS FOR ANY REASON AFTERGRADUATION.

>> Jon: SO NO ALUMNITAILGATING OR REUNIONS OR

BRINGING YOUR KIDS BACK TO SHOWTHEM WHERE YOU ABUSED GIRLS?

MY GUESS IS THOSE IDIOTS WENTTHROUGH WORSE PUNISHMENT AT

THEIR FRATERNITY INITIATION.

JAMES MADISON UNIVERSITY WILL BETHE LAUGHINGSTOCK OF THE

COUNTRY.

>> 55 COLLEGES UNDERINVESTIGATION FOR THE WAY

THEY HANDLE ALLEGATIONS OFSEXUAL ABUSE.

>> THESE ASSAULTERS ARE GETTING30 DAYS OR A SEMESTER OFF.

>> EVEN IF THE SCHOOL FOUNDTHEIR ATTACKER GUILTY, THEYWOULD

GET NOTHING HARSHER THANWRITING A BOOK REPORT.

>> Jon: WHAT THE [BLEEPED]?ARE COLLEGES TRYING TO

INCENTIVIZE SEXUAL ASSAULT? YOUKNOW WHAT THE REST OF US CALL IT

WHEN WE GET 30 DAYS OFF AND GETTO READ A BOOK? VACATION.

CLEARLY UNIVERSITIES ARE NOTMAKING IT SAFE FOR WOMEN.

JORDAN KLEPPER AND JESSICAWILLIAMS HAVE COME UP WITH SOME

CAMPUS SAFETY DO'S AND DON'TS.

GUYS, TAKE IT AWAY.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]>> OKAY, BROS.

PARTY COMMANDMENT NUMBER ONE:BEER BEFORE LIQUOR, NEVER BEEN

SICKER.

>> AND LADIES, NEVER LOSE SIGHTOF YOUR DRINK EVER.

DON'T BE A DOOFIE.

WATCH OUT FOR A ROOFIE.

>> THIS IS A BIG ONE, GUYS:DON'T PASS OUT ON THE COUCH.

SOMEONE MIGHT DRAW LIKE A DICKON YOUR FACE.

>> YES, DO NOT PASS OUT ON THECOUCH, LADIES.

SOMEONE WILL PUT THEIR DICK ONYOUR FACE AT A MINIMUM.

>> I MEANT... YOU KNOW WHAT,NEVER MIND.

NOW, IF YOU AND YOUR BROS DO GETHAMMERED, WHICH YOU WILL --

NICE -- FRIENDS DON'T LETFRIENDS DRIVE DRUNK.

TAKE A CAB.

YOU CAN JUST PASS OUT IN THEBACK.

>> OH, AND ALSO FRIENDS DON'TLET FRIENDS STAY AT PARTY DRUNK.

GIRL, GET HER OUT OF THERE.

CALL A CAB FROM AN ACTUALCAB COMPANY THAT HAS A WEB SITE,

NOT SOME CREEPY GUYWITH A YELLOW CAR.

>> BREATH MINTS, BREATH MINTSARE SUPES IMPORTANT.

>> OK, WAIT. I'M NOT DONE.DON'T GET IN A CAR WITH DOORS

THAT LOCK AUTOMATICALLY. YOUWANT TO

RIDE WITH ONE HAND ON THE DOORHANDLE AND ONE ON YOUR FRIEND SO

YOU CAN BREAK HER FALL IF YOUNEED TO JUMP AND ROLL.

>> CHAPSTICK. >> SHUT UP.

>> OK.>> SHUT UP.

WHILE YOU'RE IN THE CAB, FOLLOWYOUR ROUTE ON GOOGLE MAPS.

IF THE DRIVER MAKES A WEIRD LEFTTURN, DROP A PIN ON THE MAP,

CALL 991 AND GETREADY TO JUMP, GIRL.

YOU IN DANGER.

>> YIKES, IF IT'S SUCH HASSLE,WHY DON'T YOU JUST WALK HOME.

>> REALLY?

OKAY, LADIES IF YOU'RE GONNAWALK HOME, MAKE SURE YOU

BROUGHT AN OVERCOATTO HIDE THOSE GAMS.

YOU CAN JUST THROW A BLANKETOVER YOUR DRUNK FRIEND.

DITCH THE HEELS AND CHANGE INTOSOME SHOES THAT YOU CAN RUN IN.

AND ADOPT A MASCULINE GAIT. IFYOU HAVE A HOODIE, KEEP IT UP.

AND NO EARBUDS. OK?

YOU MIGHT AS WELL WEAR A SIGNTHAT SAYS, "I CAN'T HEAR

ANYTHING.

TACKLE ME FROM BEHIND, PLEASE."

MAKE SURE, MAKE SURE YOU GETYOUR KEYS OUT BEFORE YOU GET TO

YOUR APARTMENT.

AND THEN TO MAKE SURE ANYONEWITHIN EARSHOT DOESN'T FIND OUT

YOU LIVE ALONE, OPEN THE DOORAND SHOUT "HONEY, I'M HOME."

>> [BLEEPED]. BROS BEFORE HOES.

DON'T TEXT YOUR JUNK CAUSENOWADAYS POTENTIAL EMPLOYERS

WILL CHECK SOCIAL MEDIA -->> OH, MY GOD, THAT REMINDS ME.

OH MY GOODNESS, LADIES IF YOURCRAZY EX-WON'T STOP TEXTING YOU,

PICTURES OF HIS JUNK, SAVE ALLOF THEM, ALSO ANY ANGRY VOICE

MAILS, WEEPY VOICE MAILS,THREATENING TWEETS AND TUMBLR

POSTS. AND SURVEILLANCE FOOTAGEOF HIM OUTSIDE OF YOUR WINDOW

WATCHING YOU SLEEP.JUST SAVE IT ALL.

OKAY?

THE COLLEGE AND THE COPS WON'TDO ANYTHING, BUT MAYBE IT WILL

HELP YOU WITH YOUR CIVIL SUIT.

>> ALL RIGHT.

OKAY.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]OKAY.

LET'S BE REAL.

LET'S BE REAL HERE, JESSICA.

>> OK. PLEASE.

>> YOU'RE TELLING ME WOMENJUST SPEND THEIR WHOLE DAY

NAVIGATING AN OBSTACLE COURSEOF SEXUAL MENACE?

>> YEAH. PRETTY MUCH.

>> SERIOUSLY?

>> SERIOUSLY.

>> [BLEEPED].

SORRY.

BUT NOT ALL MEN ARE BAD. I MEAN,

SOME ARE STILL GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> OH, OKAY.

YEAH, THANKS.

YOU KNOW WHAT, I'LL KEEP THAT INMIND NEXT TIME A GUY SAYS HE

WANTS TO LICK MY BACK WHILE I'MWALKING TO WORK AT 8:00 IN THE

[BLEEPED] MORNING.

>> Jon: JORDAN KLEPPER ANDJESSICA WILLIAMS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.

MY GUEST TONIGHT, SHE GOT A NEWMOVIE OUT.

IT'S CALLED "BEGIN AGAIN."

>> I JUST THINK AN A AND R MANTELLING AN ARTIST HOW THE DRESS

OR COME ACROSS IS TOTAL BULL[BLEEPED].

PEOPLE DON'T WANT THAT.

THEY WANT AUTHENTICITY.

>> OKAY, BABE.

GIVE ME THE NAME OF ONE ARTISTTHAT YOU THINK PASSES YOUR

AUTHENTICITY TEST.

>> DYLAN.

>> DYLAN.

THAT'S THE MOST CULTIVATEDARTIST YOU COULD HAVE THOUGHT

OF.

HIS HAIR, HIS SUNGLASSES.

HE CHANGES HIS LOOK EVERYDECADE.

>> RANDY NEWMAN.

>> LOVE RANDY NEWMAN.

OK. YOU GOT ME ON THAT.

>> Jon: PLEASE WELCOME BACK TOTHE PROGRAM KEIRA KNIGHTLEY.

HELLO.

HOW ARE YOU?

NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

HOW ARE YOU?

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]THANKS FOR COMING.

>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME.

>> Jon: HOW ARE YOU HOLDING UPWITH THE WORLD CUP RESULTS?

>> THAT WAS A CRUEL START,WASN'T IT?

YOU JUST WENT STRAIGHT FOR THEJUGULAR.

HOW ARE YOU HOLDING UP?

>> NO, NO, THIS WAS EMPATHY.

>> ARE YOU HAVING A NICE TIME,ARE WE ALL? YES?

>> THIS WAS EMPATHY, THISWAS, HERE, WHAT DO YOU WANT TWO

DRINKS?

>> THANK YOU. YEAH.

IS IT VODKA? GOOD.

>> Jon: SEE, WE'RE ACCUSTOMED INTHIS COUNTRY TO NOT MAKING IT

OUT OF THE GROUP ROUND...>> YEAH.

>> Jon: SO FOR ENGLAND, WHAT CANWE DO, BECAUSE

WE HAVE A SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP,OUR COUNTRIES.

>> I'VE, I'VE HEARD.

>> Jon: I CANNOT BELIEVEHOW... YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.LET'S START AGAIN.

OK, HERE WE GO.>> YEAH.

>> Jon: I LOVE THE SPICE GIRLS.

[LAUGHTER]>> I LOVE HOT DOGS.

>> Jon: IS IT, WHEN YOU COMEHERE, ARE THE CULTURES...

YOU KNOW, I HAVE BEENTO ENGLAND ONCE.

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: THERE IS AN ANGERUNDERLYING FOR AMERICAN PORTION

SIZE THAT EVEN STRANGERS THAT IWOULD MEET, LIKE WHERE ARE YOU

FROM, I WOULD SAY OHI'M FROM NEW YORK CITY,

AND THE GUY WOULD BE LIKE,WHAT'S WITH THE [BLEEPED]

FRENCH FRY PORTION, MY MAN.>> WOW.

>> Jon: LIKE THEY WERE REALLY...THEY WERE VERY UPSET

ABOUT THE AMOUNT OF FOOD THAT WEGIVE TO PEOPLE IN RESTAURANTS.

>> OKAY.

>> Jon: DOES THAT COME UP INCONVERSATION?

>> IN ENGLAND?

YES, WE'RE CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUTIT.

>> Jon: IS IT REALLY?

>> IT'S THE ONLY THING WE TALKABOUT.

>> Jon: THAT'S SO WEIRD.

>> YEAH. IT'S BECAUSE WE'RESTARVING OVER THERE.

>> Jon: CAN I TELL YOU WHAT'SWEIRD?

THE ONLY THING WE TALK ABOUT ISAMERICA, TOO.

>> WELL, WE HAVE THAT IN COMMON,SO THAT'S GREAT.

>> Jon: WE DO HAVE THAT INCOMMON. YOU KNOW, WE'RE A VERY

IMPORTANT COUNTRY.

>> VERY, VERY.

I'VE HEARD.

YES. I'VE HEARD.

ALTHOUGH, CHINA'S DOING RATHERWELL, ISN'T IT.

>> Jon: WHO?

>> DON'T KNOW.

DON'T WORRY.

>> Jon: NO, WE'RE, FROM WHAT IUNDERSTAND, WE'RE MAYBE THE MOST

IMPORTANT COUNTRY.

>> GOOD.

>> Jon: I DON'T WANT TO SAYGOD CREATED US TO SAVE MANKIND,

BUT PEOPLE DO ACTUALLY SAY THAT.

>> OKAY.

GOOD.

HOW'S THAT GOING FOR YOU?

>> Jon: NOT VERY WELL.>> DIDN'T THINK SO.

>> Jon: IT GETS US INTO A[BLEEPED] LOAD OF TROUBLE.

>> YEAH. I HEARD, YEAH.

>> Jon: THIS MOVIE, YOUDISPLAY A TALENT THAT I HAD NO

IDEA... YOU ARE A LOVELY SINGER.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Jon: REALLY GOOD.

BUT IS THAT SOMETHING... I'VENEVER KNOWN YOU'VE DONE THAT,

I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU DO THAT IN AMOVIE BEFORE.

>> I HAD ACTUALLY DONE IT IN ONEOTHER MOVIE BUT IN A VERY

DIFFERENT STYLE, BUT I, I, NO,I'VE NEVER SUNG LIKE THIS, AND

I WAS JUST QUITE DISAPPOINTEDI DIDN'T SOUND LIKE ADELE.

YOU KNOW/>> Jon: REALLY?

>> WELL, YEAH, YOU KNOW LIKEWHEN YOU'RE IN THE SHOWER AND

YOU'RE JUST SINGING AND YOUTHINK, OH I SOUND SO GOOD RIGHT

NOW. I SOUND SO GOOD. I COULDTOTALLY DO THAT ADELE THING.

AND THEN YOU KINDA GET INTO ARECORDING STUDIO AS I DID AND

AND GO, OH, I CAN'T, I CAN'TDO THE ADELE THING.

I CAN'T.

>> Jon: HAVE YOU THOUGH,SOMEBODY MUST HAVE...

YOU MUST HAVE KNOWN THE VOICEWAS GOOD?

YOU MUST HAVE KNOWN...

>> NO, WE, WE, I WASN'T GIVENTHE SONGS UNTIL TWO DAYS

BEFORE I HAD TO GOINTO THE STUDIO.

REALLY. AND I'M NOT A SINGER.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS. IREALLY DON'T KNOW.

SO WE JUST KIND JUST GOT INTHERE AND JUST SORT OF WENT,

OKAY, WE HAVE FOUR DAYS,THIS HAS TO WORK.

>> Jon: THAT'S SORT OFREMARKABLE BECAUSE WHEN YOU

AUDITIONED TO NOT HAVE... THAT'SA BIG GAMBLE THEY TOOK.

YOU COULD HAVE WALKED INTHERE, THEY'D HANDED YOU THE

SONGS AND YOU DID ONE OF THESELIKE...

♪ I LOVE A PARADE ♪[SINGING OFF KEY] LIKE, IT COULD

HAVE BEEN A NIGHTMARE.

>> YEAH. YEAH. YOU'RE RIGHT.

AGAIN, NEXT TIME MAYBE I'LL DOTHAT.

>> Jon: OH JESUS.>> THAT COULD BE GREAT, AS WELL.

>> Jon: YOU KNOW WHAT'SWONDERFUL ABOUT OUR INTERVIEW?

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: IS IT IS REFLECTIVE

I THINK OF THE ENTIRERELATIONSHIP BETWEEN OUR

COUNTRIES.

>> REALLY?

THIS IS WORRYING, ISN'T IT?YEAH?

>> Jon: NO, NO, NO, IT'S I'M AN IGNORANT ASSHOLE AND

YOU ARE VERY KINDLY PUTTING UPWITH ME.

AND I BELIEVE THAT THAT IS THERELATIONSHIP.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE][LAUGHTER]

BETWEEN OUR NATIONS.

THAT'S HOW IT FEELS.

>> WE'VE GOT IT RIGHT HERE.

>> Jon: WE'VE GOT IT. THIS ISIT.

WE ARE THE U.N.

>> I'M BULL [BLEEP] WITH A SMILEAND SO ARE YOU. SO IT'S ALLFINE.

>> Jon: NO, WHAT, WHAT,YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU ARE

GOING TO DO THIS SINGING NOW, ISTHAT SOMETHING YOU WILL PURSUE?

LIKE... >> NO.

NO.

>> Jon: OH.

BECAUSE YOU COULD.

>> COULD I?

I THINK NOT. NOW YOU'RE THEONE DOING THE BULL [BLEEPED].

>> Jon: NOT SO. DID THEY...

>> REALLY? AREN'T YOU? REALLY? IMEAN,

THE DIPLOMACY IS GOING AMAZINGLYWELL.

>> Jon: IT IS GOINGAMAZINGLY WELL. DID THEY...

MAYBE I DON'T KNOW THIS,DID THEY MANIPULATE THE

SOUND OF IT? OR IS THAT WHY ITSOUNDS LIKE IT SOUNDS?

>> NO, NO, I DON'T THINK THEYHAVE.

>> Jon: SO IT'S YOUR VOICE?

>> WELL, THEY TOLD ME IT'S MYVOICE.

>> Jon: IT'S VERY GOOD. I THINKYOU SHOULD,

IF I HAD THAT ABILITY, I WOULDNOT BE HERE.

[LAUGHTER]>> WHERE WOULD YOU BE?

>> Jon: I'D BE WEARING A WHITEFLOWERY DRESS...

>> YES, EXACTLY. SITTING RIGHTHERE.

>> Jon: I'D BE THERE AND YOU'DBE HERE WEARING A SUIT.

>> OK, FINE. GOOD.

>> Jon: YOU'D BE AN OLD JEW ANDI'D BE A WONDERFUL PERFORMER.

CONGRATULATIONS ON THE MOVIE.

>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> Jon: IT'S DOING VERY, VERYWELL.

IT'S IN ALL THESE WONDERFULFESTIVALS.

BUT NOW IT'S FINALLY OPENING INNEW YORK AND LOS ANGELES FRIDAY

>> YES.

>> Jon: AND THEN ALL AROUND THEWORLD JULY 2nd.

>> YES.

>> Jon: DID YOU SEE THAT?>> THAT WAS REALLY GOOD.

>> Jon: THAT'S THE INTERNATIONALSYMBOL FOR OPENING WIDE.

OPENING WIDE.

KEIRA, THANK YOU SO MUCH FORCOMING BY.

>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH FORHAVING ME.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY, EVERYBODY.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE][CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: COME ON.

HOW DO YOU OPEN WITH, HEY, HOW'SENGLAND DOING AFTER THEIR WORLD

CUP LOST?

STPUID. WHAT THE [BLEEPED] ISWRONG WITH ME?

AND SHE'S IN A MOVIE CALLED"BEGIN AGAIN."

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE PERFECTSEGUE TO LIKE, "OH, LET ME BEGIN

AGAIN BECAUSE SOMETIMES I SUCKAT THIS."

WELL, I'VE ONLY BEEN DOING ITFOR 16 YEARS.

SO, I'LL LEARN.

THAT'S OUR SHOW.

HERE IT IS, YOUR MOMENT OF ZEN.

>> I KNOW IT IS POLITICALLYEXPEDIENT THESE DAYS TO SAY THAT

AMERICA SHOULD NOT APOLOGIZE FORITS REPUTATION AROUND THE WORLD,

BUT PERHAPS WE CAN AT LEAST MAKEAN EXCEPTION FOR, I DON'T KNOW,

AMERICANS WHO GO TO GERMANYAND GET STUCK IN SCULPTURES

OF GIANT VAGINAS.

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