June 18, 2013 - Jim Gaffigan

  • Episode: 18118
  • (0)

The Senate nearly accomplishes something, Mick Foley issues an immigration reform challenge, and Jim Gaffigan reflects on fatherhood.

( cheers and applause )

>> John: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY

SHOW"!

I AM JOHN OLIVER STILL -- STILL

SITTING IN FOR JON STEWART.

JON STEWART WAS OUT HIKING AND

NOW HAS HIS ARM CAUGHT UNDER A

BOULDER.

(LAUGHTER)

DON'T WORRY, WE HAVE SENT A

RESCUE TEAM TO BRING HIM A SWISS

ARMY KNIFE SO HE CAN CUT HIS ARM

OFF.

(LAUGHTER)

OUR GUEST TONIGHT, COMEDIAN AND

AUTHOR JIM GAFFIGAN IS HERE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HE HAS A BOOK CALLED DAD IS FAT.

BUT FIRST TONIGHT CONGRESS IN

THE A THREE WAY TIE FOR LEAST

POPULAR BRANCH OF GOVERNMENT.

(LAUGHTER)

HOWEVER THEY MAY BE ABOUT TO

ACCOMPLISH-- AND I KNOW IT

SOUNDS IMPROBABLE-- SOMETHING.

(LAUGHTER)

SPECIFICALLY IMMIGRATION REFORM

WHICH SUDDENLY HAS SUPPORT EVEN

FROM REPUBLICANS AND FOR ALL THE

RIGHT REASONS.

>> WE'RE IN A DEMOGRAPHIC DEATH

SPIRAL AS A PARTY AND THE ONLY

WAY WE CAN GET BACK IN THE GOOD

GRACES WITH THE HISPANIC

COMMUNITY IN MY VIEW IS

COMPREHENSIVE IMMIGRATION

REFORM.

>> John: AND I, LINDSEY GRAHAM,

SAY TO YOU THE HISPANIC

COMMUNITY, WE CHOOSE TO HELP YOU

NOT BECAUSE WE WANT TO BUT

BECAUSE MATHEMATICALLY WE FEEL

WE HAVE TO.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S HOW ALL HISTORIC SEISMIC

CHANGES HAVE HAPPENED IN

AMERICA-- WITH GREAT RELUCTANCE.

SO HOW HAVE THEY MANAGED TO MAKE

THIS BILL BIPARTISAN?

WELL, BECAUSE IT'S A WIN-WIN--

GOOD FOR REPUBLICANS BECAUSE

THEY THINK IT WILL WIN THEM

HISPANIC VOTES AND GOOD FOR

DEMOCRATS BECAUSE IT WILL

ACTUALLY WIN THEM HISPANIC VOTES

(LAUGHTER)

SOT WHAT IS IN THIS INCREDIBLE

PIECE OF LEGISLATION?

>> THE MEASURE CREATES A 13-YEAR

PATH TO CITIZENSHIP, RAISES THE

CAP ON VISAS FOR HIGHLY SKILLED

WORKERS AND STRENGTHENS BORDER

SECURITY.

>> Jon: OKAY, THAT SOUNDS GREAT!

(LAUGHTER)

I'VE GOT TO SAY, AS AN IMMIGRANT

MYSELF, THIS IS ALSO VERY

EXCITING.

ALSO SLIGHTLY ANNOYING BECAUSE

IF THIS LAW HAD BEEN PASSED

YEARS AGO I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO

SMUGGLE MYSELF INTO AMERICA

DRESSED AS AN ORDER OF FISH AND

CHIPS.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT THAT MADE FOR A PERILOUS

VINEGARY JOURNEY.

TO GET 60 VOTES YOU'RE GOING TO

NEED PRETTY DEEP SUPPORT.

JUST HOW MUCH DO DO THE

DEMOCRATS WANT THIS?

>> (SPEAKING SPANISH)

>> Jon: OOH, POR DIOS!

(LAUGHTER)

(IN SPANISH ACCENT)

YOU ARE TOO MUCHO.

PERHAPS YOU WOULD LIKE TO WASH

DOWN YOUR LATINO PANDERING WITH

A MARGARITA.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT THIS ISN'T JUST ABOUT

POLITICAL POSITIONING, THIS IS

ABOUT ASPIRING TO OUR NATION'S

HIGHEST IDEALS, THE PRINCIPLES

THAT DREW OUR ANCESTORS ACROSS

THE SEAS.

>> IN MY CITY, MR. PRESIDENT,

THE CITY IN WHICH I WAS RAISED

AND IN WHICH I LIVE IS THAT

BEAUTIFUL LADY IN THE HARBOR

WITH THAT BRIGHT TORCH.

>> Jon: WE CALL HERON DA THE

DOCK WHORE.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SHE GIVES $5 BLOW JOBS TO

LONGSHOREMEN WHILE HOLDING A

FLASHLIGHT.

A REAL NEW YORK INSTITUTION.

NOW, WHAT WERE YOU TALKING

ABOUT?

(LAUGHTER)

CAN YOU GET DEPORTED FOR TELLING

A JOKE LIKE THAT?

SO DEMOCRATS ARE ON BOARD BUT

REPUBLICANS MAY TAKE A LITTLE

MORE CONVINCING, SURE.

DR. GRAHAM MAY HAVE A

PRESCRIPTION FOR ELECTORAL

SUCCESS BUT EVEN THOUGH THEY

KNOW THIS IS GOOD FOR THEM

THEY'RE GOING RESIST IT-- LIKE A

CHILD WITH VEGETABLES.

(LAUGHTER)

OR A FRAT BOY WITH A CONDOM.

EVEN THE PRO IMMIGRATION

REPUBLICANS' TONE CAN BE A

LITTLE CLUMSY.

>> IMMIGRANTS ARE MORE FERTILE

AND THEY LOVE FAMILIES AND THEY

HAVE MORE INTACT FAMILIES AND

THEY BRING A YOUNGER POPULATION.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

>> Jon: LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE

TRYING TO HELP BUT I DON'T THINK

YOUR STRONGEST ARGUMENT IS THAT

BABY MACHINES WHO LOVE TO

(BLEEP).

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND HE'S SUPPORTIVE OF THEM.

EVEN LATINO REPUBLICANS

RESPONSIBLE FOR THE WRITING OF

THIS BILL ARE NOW TRYING TO

WATER IT DOWN.

>> I FILED AN AMENDMENT TO

IMPROVE IT EVEN FURTHER.

I'M SAYING WHEN YOU APPLY FOR

THAT GREEN CARD AFTER THE

TEN-YEAR PERIOD AND MORE HAS

EXPIRED YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO

PROVE THAT YOU'RE PROFICIENT IN

ENGLISH.

>> John: OKAY, SO I THINK IT'S

ABOUT TO BECOME OFFICIAL.

THE RULES TO BECOME AN AMERICAN

CITIZEN ARE MORE STRINGENT THAN

THE RULES TO BECOME MISS UTAH.

>> FRANKLY MEAN ARE -- SEEN AS

-- THE LEADERS OF THIS SO WE

NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO --

CREATE EDUCATION BETTER SO THAT

WE CAN -- SOLVE THIS PROBLEM.

THANK YOU.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Jon: NO, NO.

THANK YOU.

WE THANK YOU, MISS UTAH, FOR

GIVING AMERICA A NEW RING TONE.

(LAUGHTER)

AND FOR OTHER REPUBLICANS,

PROFICIENCY IN ENGLISH STILL

ISN'T EVEN FAR ENOUGH.

>> THE BILL DOES VERY LITTLE TO

ENSURE THAT THOSE WHO COME OUT

OF THE SHADOWS WHETHER CHERISH

OR USE THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

>> John: IT'S NOT YOU HAVE NO

"COME OUT OF THE SHADOWS" AND

SPEAK IT, YOU HAVE TO CHERISH

IT.

(LAUGHTER)

CHERISH IT LIKE A MAN WHO TWEETS

OUT SINGLE LETTERS OF THE

ALPHABET TO SO YOU CAN CHERISH

EACH ONE INDIVIDUALLY BECAUSE

EVERY CHARACTER IS PRECIOUS.

AND I UNDERSTAND THAT SOMEONE

ELSE HAS AN AMENDMENT TO

PROPOSE.

>> THAT AMENDMENT BY REPUBLICAN

JOHN CORNYN WOULD FORCE THE

DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY

TO REACH SPECIFIC METRICS SUCH

AS APPREHENSION OF AT LEAST 90%

OF ALL ILLEGAL BORDER CROSSERS

FOR THE OVERALL LAW TO STAND.

>> John: 90% BORDER SECURITY.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

BRING NINE FRIENDS WITH YOU AND

YOU GET IN FREE!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YES, THAT'S THE AUTHOR YOU WILL

BE UP ONE NEW COUNTRY AND DOWN

NINE OLD FRIENDS.

AND IT ISN'T JUST THE CONTENT OF

THE BILL THAT REPUBLICANS HATE.

>> THIS IS NOT AN EASY BILL TO

READ.

>> SUBPARAGRAPH CAPITAL "C"

INDEX -- THE INDEX CALCULATED

UNDER THIS SUBPARAGRAPH FOR A

CURRENT YEAR EQUALS THE SUM OF

SUBPARAGRAPH ROMAN NUMERAL I.

>> I'M SURE YOU KNOW EXACTLY

WHAT THAT MEANS.

>> Jon: WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT

IT MEANS, BUT TO BE FAIR I'M NOT

A SENATOR.

YOU ARE.

AND LEGAL JARGON IS KIND OF THE

OFFICIAL LANGUAGE OF THE SENATE.

SO IF I MAY FOLLOW A PAGE FROM

YOUR PARTY'S PLAY BOOK, LEARN TO

SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OR GO BACK TO

WHERE YOU CAME FROM.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

TO TO SUM UP, STILL A LOT OF

CHALLENGES AHEAD FOR THIS

IMMIGRATION BILL TO ACHIEVE ITS

DREAM OF LEGAL STATUS WITHIN THE

UNITED STATES.

NOW CURRENTLY IT'S LIVING IN THE

LAND OF BILLS, BUT IT'S YEARNING

FOR A BETTER LIFE AS A LAW IT

PAYS ITS HARD EARNED POLITICAL

CAPITAL TO A GANG OF NOT

ENTIRELY RELIABLE TOYOTAS TO

CROSS THE LEGISLATIVE DESERT

ONLY TO GAV GAIT THE PERILOUS

WATERS OF DEBATE HOPING IT CAN

EVADE THE DREADED FILIBUSTER

PATROL.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT AFTER ALL THAT IT'S SAFE AND

THERE WILL BE NOTHING STOPPING

IMMIGRATION REFORM FROM STARTING

ITS BRAND NEW LIFE IN AMERICA.

>> I'VE GOT REAL CONCERNS ABOUT

THE SENATE BILL.

>> John: OH, YEAH.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES.

A THOUSAND FOOT HIGH BORDER

FENCE BUILT OUT OF IGNORANCE AND

SPITE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SORRY.

SORRY IMMIGRATION REFORM.

YOUR CHANCES OF GETTING MADE

INTO LAW SEEM TO BE NO BUENO.

WE'LL BE

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: WELCOME BACK!

SO IMMIGRATION CLEARLY A

DOMINANCE ISSUE IN THE COUNTRY

RIGHT NOW.

IT'S BEING DISCUSSED EVERYWHERE

AND I DO MEAN EVERYWHERE.

>> I AM SPEAKING TO YOU FROM

WITHIN A COUNTRY IS UNDER SIEGE

EVERYDAY.

WE HAVE FOREIGNERS FLOODING OUR

COUNTRY, SNEAKING ACROSS OUR

BORDER LIKE RATS IN THE STREETS.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

>> John: HEY!

HEY!

I'M ONE OF THOSE RATS AND I'LL

HAVE YOU KNOW I TRUST THE OCEAN

ON A VERY COMFORTABLE VIRGIN

ATLANTIC FLIGHT.

THE TIME FLEW BY SO GET YOUR

FACTS STRAIGHT.

SO EVEN THE W.W.E. CURRENTLY HAS

A STORY LINE AROUND THE

IMMIGRATION DEBATE AND TO GIVE

THEM CREDIT THEY ACTUALLY HAD A

GOOD DISCUSSION ABOUT THE

AMBIVALENCE AND HYPOCRISY AT THE

HEART OF OUR POLICIES.

>> NEXT TIME HE COMES DOWN HERE,

HE PREACHES HOW ABOUT JACK IS

THE REAL AMERICAN AND PEOPLE

FROM OTHER COUNTRIES SHOULDN'T

COME IN HERE AND THEY TAKE OUR

JOBS.

>> HE'S FROM OUR COUNTRY.

HE'S COME THE WRONG WAY!

>> HE CAME TO BRING YOU TO THIS

GUY ANTONIO CESARO.

>> GIVE ME A BREAK!

>> Jon: WHAT BEAUTIFUL DREAMER

TELEVISION IS THIS?

NOT ONLY WAS THAT TECHNICALLY

MORE ARTICULATE A DEBATE THAN

ANYTHING WE'VE HEARD IN CONGRESS

BUT IT CAME WITH HALF NAKED MEN

FIGHTING!

IT'S LIKE C-SPAN WITH ELBOW

DROPS.

(LAUGHTER)

PLEASE, GIVE ME MORE.

>> HE WAS EVEN MAD THAT JOHN

OLIVER TOOK OVER FOR JON STEWART

TONIGHT.

>> THAT'S THE BRITISH COMEDIAN

TAKING OVER "THE DAILY SHOW" FOR

A COUPLE MONTHS.

>> John: WHAT IS HAPPEN?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU'RE MAD AT ME?

YOU'RE MAD AT ME?

OH, NOW THIS IS PERSONAL.

I KNOW HOW PRO WRESTLING WORKS.

YOU TRY TO TALK ABOUT ME, I'M

GOING TO TRASH TALK RIGHT BACK

AT YOU.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO COME ON, IF THAT IS YOUR REAL

FAKE NAME, LET'S DO THIS.

LET'S DO THIS THEN.

I AM HERE TO REPRESENT FOR ALL

IMMIGRANTS, GIVE ME SOME FIRE

BACK THERE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IF ZEB WANTS TO GO AFTER

IMMIGRANT RATS HE BETTER BE

PREPARED TO GET GNAWED ON

BECAUSE WE'VE GOT TEETH!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I MAY NOT QUITE HAVE THE MUSCLE

MASS FOR THIS.

I MIGHT NEED A LITTLE HELP.

NICK, NICK, DO YOU MIND HELPING

ME?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

OKAY, TAKE IT, TAKE IT.

>> ZEB, YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH

IMMIGRANTS?

NOW YOU'VE GOT A PROBLEM WITH ME

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> YOU DONE POKED A BEAR, SON!

>> ZEB, IF YOU DON'T LIKE

IMMIGRANTS COMING HERE AND

TAKING OUR JOBS, WHY DON'T YOU

GET YOUR ASS OUT OF THE RING AND

PICK VEGETABLES 14 HOURS A DAY

FOR 50 CENTS AN HOUR!

>> John: EXACTLY!

OR WOULD YOU RATHER THE

STRAWBERRYS IN YOUR PROTEIN

SHAKE COST $75 BECAUSE THAT'S

THE ECONOMIC REALITY OF THE

SITUATION!

COMPLICATED.

COMPLICATED.

>> IMMIGRANTS DO OUR COUNTRY'S

DIRTIEST JOBS.

DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES, THE

STONES TO STEP INTO A BASIC

CABLE TALK SHOW'S HOST CHAIR?

(LAUGHTER)

IF YOUR BOSS GOES AWAY FOR THE

SUMMER --

>> I DON'T THINK YOU DO!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I DON'T THINK YOU'VE GOT IT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> BUT THIS IMMIGRANT DOES!

>> John: YES!

I'VE GOT IT!

I'VE GOT IT!

>> EVEN THOUGH JON STEWART IS A

T.V. ICON WHOSE HARD-WON LEGACY

OLIVER IS PISSING AWAY.

>> John: WHOA!

>> FOR AN AUDIENCE WATCHING OUT

OF NOTHING BUT HABIT.

>> John: NO, NO.

>> YEARNING FOR THE REAL JON'S

RETURN IN SEPTEMBER.

>> John: LET'S GET BACK ON

POINT.

>> SO THE NEXT GUY WHO TRIES TO

TALK SMACK ABOUT IMMIGRANTS IS

GOING TO HAVE US TO DEAL WITH!

>> EXACTLY.

YOU TILL ME TO SPEAK ENGLISH!

YOU (BLEEP)ING SPEAK ENGLISH!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: WHILE IMMIGRANTS ARE

TAKING THE PATH TO CITIZENSHIP

YOU'LL BE CRAWLING DOWN THE PATH

TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM!

YOU WILL

>> YOU WILL ONLY NEED ONE

DOCUMENT THERE -- A PRESCRIPTION

FOR MORPHINE!

THAT'S A PAINKILLER MOTHER

(BLEEP)ER!

>> SO YOU COME HERE NEXT WEEK

AND WE TAKE THESE CHAIRS, THESE

COLD, STEEL CHAIRS AND WE WILL

UNFOLD THEM.

YES, WE WILL.

AND WE WILL SIT DOWN AND WE WILL

DISCUSS THE COMPLEXITIES OF

IMMIGRATION REFORM WITH YOU.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> IMMIGRANTS BUILT THIS COUNTRY

AND HELPED LEAD IT INTO THE

VIBRANT PATH WE CALL THE

AMERICAN DREAM

>> YOU CAN BELIEVE IT, DREAMERS

WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE A NIGHTMARE!

WE WILL CURSE YOU WITH GRAPHS

SHOWING THE NET ECONOMIC

BENEFITS OF AN INCLUSIVE POLICY

THAT EMBRACES THE TIRED, THE

POOR, THE HUDDLED MASSES

SEARCHING, SEARCHING, SEARCHING

FOR A BETTER LIFE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO IF YOU HAVE THE GUTS TO

DEBATE WE'LL BE HERE ANY TIME.

YOU COME DOWN HERE NEXT WEEK AND

YOU SAY IT TO MY FACE!

>> I'M NOT GOING TO BE HERE NEXT

WEEK.

I'M PRODUCING A DOCUMENTARY ON

SANTA CLAUS.

>> THAT ACTUALLY SOUNDS

INTERESTING.

IN THAT WHICH CASE YOU SHOULD

COME BACK IN SEPTEMBER AND ASK

FOR JON STEWART, THE HOST, AND

TAKE IT UP WITH HIM!

BUT THE POINT ABOUT IMMIGRATION

STANDS!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> John: WELCOME BACK.

MY GUEST TONIGHT, A VERY FUNNY

COMEDIAN WHOSE BEST SELLING BOOK

IS CALLED "DAD IS FAT."

PLEASE WELCOME THE BRILLIANT JIM

GAFFIGAN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

SO NICE.

>> John: THANK YOU FOR BEING

HERE.

WE ALL APPRECIATE IT.

>> THANK YOU.

THE.

>> John: THE BOOK "DAD IS FAT."

THAT'S SUBJECTIVE, ISN'T IT?

>> YES.

>> John: WHERE DOES THE TITLE

COME FROM?

>> THE TITLE COMES FROM ANYMY

NOW SEVEN-YEAR-OLD SON WHEN HE

WAS FOUR OR FIVE THE FIRST

SENTENCE HE WROTE ON A DRY-ERASE

BOARD WAS "DAD IS FAT."

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

THEN HE SHOWED IT TO ME AND I

PUT HIM UP FOR ADOPTION.

>> John: (LAUGHS)

SO HE THOUGHT FOR FOUR TO FIVE

YEARS, WHAT DO I WANT THIS FIRST

STATEMENT TO BE?

DAD IS FAT.

ALMOST LIKE A POEM IN A WAY.

AND THEN --

>> HE KNEW THAT I WOULD LAUGH

AND HE -- WELL, IT'S NOT LIKE

THE FIRST TIME HE HAD CALLED ME

FAT.

IT WAS LIKE A DAILY OCCURRENCE.

>> IT WAS THE FIRST TIME HE

FORMALIZED IN THE WRITING.

>> HE WORKED ON IT.

>> John: SO LET'S CRUNCH THE

NUMBERS.

FIVE CHILDREN --

>> DO I HAVE FIVE?

JOHN I DON'T KNOW YUP.

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> John: YET YOU LIVE IN A TWO

BEDROOM APARTMENT IN NEW YORK.

THOSE NUMBERS DON'T SEEM TO

MATCH UP.

>> NO, THEY DON'T.

BUT IT'S NOT AS IF WE'RE TRYING

TO PROVE SOMETHING.

IT'S NOT LIKE "WE'RE GOING TO

RAISE OUR KIDS IN A BOX."

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S JUST CIRCUMSTANCES -- YOU

KNOW, MY WIFE GETS PREGNANT

LOOKING AT BABIES SO SHE IS -- I

DON'T EVEN LET HER HOLD AVOCADOS

JOHN.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT YOU CAN'T -- OVER THE PAST

COUPLE YEARS YOU CAN'T REALLY

TURN TO SOMEONE WHO'S SEVEN

MONTHS PREGNANT AND BE LIKE "HEY

LET'S PACK UP AND MOVE."

SO WE'VE BEEN WAITING AND

EVENTUALLY WE'LL MOVE.

OR WE'LL HAVE ANOTHER KID.

I DON'T KNOW.

(LAUGHTER)

>> John: FIVE CHILDREN, YOU ARE

THE DEFINITION OF A COMMITTED

CATHOLIC.

>> I HAVE ONE MORE AND I COULD

BE A REPUBLICAN NOMINEE.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

>> John: ONE MORE AND YOU GET AN

OFFICIAL MEDAL FROM THE VATICAN.

>> HEY, THE POPE GAVE ME THESE

SHOES.

>> John: THEY ARE PRETTY FLY FOR

A WHITE GUY.

>> I'M CATHOLIC BABY WIFE IS

VERY CATHOLIC, SHE'S A SHIITE

CATHOLIC.

SO THERE IS NO GOALIE.

>> John: THE NUMBERS BACK THAT

UP.

JIM, SOUR FUNNY.

>> THANK YOU.

>> John: YOU ARE MY WIFE'S

FAVORITE COMEDIAN, INCLUDING ME.

(LAUGHTER)

SHE EMCEED -- REMEMBER WE DID

THAT CHARITY GIG WITH BOB SAGET?

SHE'D NEVER SEEN YOU LIVE BEFORE

AND YOU WERE DOING THE SUBWAY

BIT AND I COULD HEAR LAUGHS

COMING OUT OF HER I'D NEVER

HEARD BEFORE AND SHE WAS

LITERALLY CRYING AND SHE TURNED

ME-TO-ME AND SAID "WHY CAN'T YOU

DO THAT?"

(LAUGHTER)

THAT IS VERY FLATTERING.

WELL YOUR WIFE IS VERY

BEAUTIFUL.

WE BOTH -- OH, WE'RE OUT OF OUR

LEAGUE SO --.

>> John: I THINK BIOLOGICALLY WE

CAN BOTH OBJECTIVELY SAY WE

TRADED WAY UP.

>> BECAUSE MY WIFE -- WHENEVER

I'M WITH MY WIFE AND PEOPLE FIND

OUT SHE'S MY WIFE THERE'S

USUALLY AN AUDIBLE "WOW."

WHICH I SUPPOSE IS FLATTERING

BUT IT HURTS MY FEELINGS.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M NOT A CAVEMAN.

(LAUGHTER)

NOT ALL CAVEMAN.

>> John: THIS IS SO FUNNY.

I LAUGHED OUTLOUD IN THIS BOOK.

AND THERE'S A CANON OF COMEDIANS

WRITING BOOKS ABOUT CHILDREN AND

FATHER HOOD.

ONE OF THE FIRST BOOKS I EVER

WROTE -- SFWLO READ WAS BILL

COSBY "FATHER HOOD" AND THIS IS

PAGE FOR PAGE LAUGH OUT LOUD

POUND FOR POUND YOU GO TOE TO

TOE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY MORE

COMPARISONS I CAN DO.

TOE TO TOE WITH COSBY.

>> WELL, THAT'S VERY FLATTERING

BECAUSE COSBY IS THE MAN AND

THAT BOOK INSPIRED THIS I WROTE

THIS WITH MY WIFE.

I DIDN'T WANT TO BOOBLG DO A

BOOK THAT WAS "I HATE MY KIDS"

AND I DIDN'T WANT TO DO A BOOK

THAT WAS LIKE "I WORSHIP MY KIDS

AND JESUS."

I WANTED IT TO BE FUNNY.

>> John: IT'S A PERFECT BOOK

ABOUT CHILDREN BECAUSE THERE'S A

LOT OF LOVE AND A LOT OF

CONTEMPT.

IN THAT CONTEMPT IT'S ALMOST THE

GREATEST LOVE.

>> I THINK YOU HAVE TO --

THERE'S A GALLOWS HUMOR.

WHEN YOU'RE HANDED A BABY IT'S

HARD.

IF YOU'RE COMPLAINING ABOUT

PARENTING, THAT MEANS YOU'RE

INVOLVED.

JOHN, I WENT TO A BIRTHDAY PARTY

THREE WEEKS AGO FOR MY DAUGHTER,

HER FRIEND, AT 8:00 A.M. ON A

SATURDAY.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

>> John: WHAT?

>> AND I WAS LIKE WHO'S RUNNING

THIS PARTY?

THE TALIBAN?

(LAUGHTER)

WHO HAS A BIRTHDAY PARTY AT 9:00

A.M.?

BUT IF YOU HAVE KIDS YOU'RE

COMPLAINING!

I MEAN THERE'S A CERTAIN GALAXY

LIKE DON'T THROW THE BABY OUT

WITH THE BATH WATER.

THAT PHRASE CAME FROM SOMEONE

WHO THOUGHT ABOUT THROWING OUT

THE BABY.

IT'S A LOT OF WORK!

>> John: IT'S FANTASTIC.

"DAD IS FAT."

IT'S BRILLIANT.

JIM GAFFIGAN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Jon: THAT'S OUR SHOW.

CHECK OUT THE WEB SITE

Www.iam santaclause.com.

HERE IT IS, YOUR MOMENT OF SZEP.

>> OH, COME ON NOW!

YOU GUYS ARE RIDICULOUS!

COME ON,

Loading...