January 11, 2012 - Jim DeMint

  • Episode: 17042
  • (0)

Mitt Romney wins the New Hampshire primary, The Best F#@king News Team Ever reports from South Carolina, and Jim DeMint considers America's economic and political problems.

>> Jon: HEY, EVERYBODY.

WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW."

MY NAME IS JON STEWARTMENT WE

HAVE A GOOD ONE FOR YOU TONIGHT.

OUR GUEST TONIGHT, UNITED STATES

SENATOR JIM DeMINT, AUTHOR OF

A NEW BOOK "NOW OR NEVER."

I'M GOING TO GET HE FALLS ON THE

NOW SIDE.

TOMORROW NIGHT OUR GUEST WILL BE

THE INTERNET.

[LAUGHTER]

WE'LL BE ALL, WHAT?

THAT'S ALL I'M GOING TO SAY

ABOUT THAT.

I HAVE SOME READING TO CATCH UP

ON.

BUT WILL BEGIN TONIGHT WITH YOUR

RESULTS OF LAST NIGHT'S VOTING

IN NEW HAMPSHIRE IN INDECISION

2012.

WITH 100% OF THE VOTES COUNTED,

THE MAN OF THE NIGHT ONE MILLARD

MITTINGTON ROMNEY, WHO CAPTURED

NEW HAMPSHIRE WITH 39% OF THE

VOTE.

IT WAS AN HISTORIC WIN FOR

ROMNEY.

HE BECAME THE FIRST REPUBLICAN

NON-INCUMBENT TO WIN IOWA AND

NEW HAMPSHIRE WHILE STILL HAVING

NO ONE LIKE HIM.

[LAUGHTER]

ROMNEY WAS INTRODUCED BY HIS

WIFE ANN, WHO STILL HAS YET TO

ENDORSE A CANDIDATE.

AND WAS ACCOMPANIED BY WHAT I

CAN ONLY ASSUME IS SOME TYPE OF

OSMOND TRIBUTE BAND.

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT TWO WORDS FOR THE ROMNEY

CAMPAIGN: BACHELOR AUCTION.

MEOW.

I'M SORRY.

TO THE VICTORY SPEECH.

>> WE DO REMEMBER WHEN BARACK

OBAMA CAME TO NEW HAMPSHIRE FOUR

YEARS AGO.

HE PROMISED TO BRING PEOPLE

TOGETHER.

HE PROMISED TO CHANGE THE BROKEN

SYSTEM IN WASHINGTON.

HE PROMISED TO IMPROVE OUR

NATION.

THOSE WERE THE DAYS OF LOFTY

PROMISES MADE BY A HOPEFUL

CANDIDATE.

>> Jon: YEAH, WHAT A JERK THAT

OBAMA WAS.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M GOING TO DO THIS AND I'M

GOING TO DO THAT.

[BLEEPED]

EMPTY SUIT STANDING ON A

PLATFORM IN NEW HAMPSHIRE MAKING

LOFTY PROMISES HE KNEW HE

COULDN'T POSSIBLY FULFILL I'M

SORRY, MITT.

I INTERRUNNINGED YOU.

CONTINUE.

>> I WILL CUT, CAP AND BALANCE

THE FEDERAL BUDGET.

LY MAKE THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT

SIMPLER, SMALLER AND SMARTER.

I WILL INSIST ON A MILITARY SO

POWERFUL NO ONE WOULD EVER THINK

OF CHALLENGING IT.

>> Jon: SEE, PEOPLE, MY

PROMISES ARE REALISTIC.

A TINY GOVERNMENT, A BALANCED

BUDGET AND A GIANT INVINCIBLE

ARMY.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I GIVE YOU

NEW SPARTA.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S LIKE OLD SPARTA, VERY

SIMILAR.

IT'S LIKE OLD SMART THAT BUT

WITH LESS CAPITAL GAINS TAXES

AND NOT AS GAY.

[LAUGHTER]

THANK YOU.

WITH MITT ROMNEY'S VICTORY IN

THE BAG, THE ONLY QUESTION THAT

REMAINED LAST NIGHT, WHO WOULD

BE FIRST PUNDIT TO DISMISS RON

PAUL'S SECOND-PLACE FINISH.

>> NBC NEWS CAN NOW PROJECT THAT

RON PAUL WILL FINISH SECOND.

>> IF YOU TAKE RON PAUL OUT OF

THIS, WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED

TO HUNTSMAN?

>> HUNTSMAN IS THE REAL SECOND

HERE.

JON JON NO.

YOU CAN'T... YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED

TO JUST TAKE RON PAUL OUT OF IT.

THAT'S JUST PHYSICS.

YOU'RE NOT... AND YOU KNOW, IF

YOU ADD TWO ZEROS TO THE END OF

HUNTSMAN'S TOTAL, HE WOULD HAVE

BEEN IN FIRST BY HUNDREDS OF

THOUSANDS OF VOTES, AN

UNPRECEDENTED VERY TRY.

WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT

THIS?

BECAUSE IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!

[LAUGHTER]

SINCE WE BROUGHT UP JON HUNTSMAN

, SEEING AS I BELIEVE

THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO SO IS A

LIMITED-TIME OFFER.

NEW HAMPSHIRE WAS HUNTSMAN'S BIG

GAMBLE.

HE SKIPPED IOWA TO CONCENTRATE

ALL HIS EFFORTS ON WINNING

THERE.

HE PROVED THERE FOR A YEAR.

AND FINISHED A DISTANT THIRD.

>> WE GOT IT DONE, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN.

I SAY THIRD PLACE IS A TICKET TO

RIDE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: A TICKET TO RIDE...

HOME.

IN COACH.

LOOK HOW HUNTSMAN ENDS HIS

SPEECH.

>> THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH.

>> Jon: THERE'S NO CONFETTI

FOR THIRD PLACE.

THIRD PLACE DOESN'T GET

CONFETTI.

THE ONLY CONFETTI IS THIRD PLACE

CAN GET IS, "I CAN'T BELIEVE I

MOVED HERE FOR A YEAR AND I

LOST."

I WAS TRYING TO MAKE THAT INTO

SMALLER PIECES AND THEN IT WOULD

HAVE LOOKED MORE LIKE CONFETTI,

BUT OBVIOUSLY MY HAND SPEED IS

NOT WHAT IT USED TO BE.

ARTHRITIS AND MAYBE GOOD...

HOW'S A GUY SPEND A YEAR IN NEW

HAMPSHIRE AND NOT CONNECT WITH

THE GONE ET STATE'S SALT OF THE

EARTH, BEDROCK, AMERICAN LOVING

YANKEE, JUST ROLL THE TAPE.

>> AS THEY WOULD SAY IN CHINA,

MITT...

[SPEAKING MANDARIN]

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: OH, RIGHT, HE SPEAKS

MANDARIN.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT'S NOT

IMPRESSIVE TO A REPUBLICAN

PRIMARY AUDIENCE WHO WON'T EVEN

EAT MANDARIN ON, BECAUSE THEY

DON'T WANT TO TAKE JOBS AWAY

FROM AMERICAN FRUIT.

YOU KNOW WHAT, HUNTSMAN, MEET ME

AT CAMERA YOU CAME IN THIRD.

LOOK, I KNOW THIS IS HARD FOR

YOU, BUT IT'S OVER.

YOU'RE SMART MAN.

YOU HAD A GOOD RUN AS A GUY

PUNDITS COULDN'T BELIEVE PEOPLE

DON'T LIKE ME, BUT THEY DON'T.

YOU HAVE A GREAT LIFE, A

BEAUTIFUL FAMILY, BUT IT'S TIME

TO PUT THE CONFETTI INTO

STORAGE.

YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS ISN'T

GETTING THROUGH.

LET ME PUT THIS IN TERMS YOU CAN

UNDERSTAND.

GNAW PUO.

LOON ZIE HWAH.

TYE LOO SURE DEE ARE TSI.

[LAUGHTER]

WOAH G

SO IOWA AND NEW HAMPSHIRE ARE

FIRST PETS OF OUR PRIMARY

SEASON.

CANDIDATES SPEND A GREAT DEAL OF

TIME AND MONEY THERE TO

ESTABLISH THEMSELVES, AND BY ALL

MEASURES, IT'S AN INCREDIBLE

EXPERIENCE.

>> IOWA'S REPUBLICAN CAUCUS IS

SIMPLE AND STRAIGHT FORWARD.

>> A REAL THROWBACK TO A BYGONE

ERA.

>> REAL VOTERS IN A REAL STATE.

>> I WANT TO GET THE SUPPORT OF

THE GOOD PEOPLE OF IOWA.

>> I HAVE BEEN TO ALL 99

COUNTIES, YOUR TOWN SQUARES AN

YOUR DINERS AND, OF COURSE, YOUR

PIZZA RANCHES.

>> Jon: IT'S LIKE IF YOU TOOK

A NORMAN ROCKWELL PAINTING AND

COVERED IT IN CHEESE AND PUT IT

IN A FRIAR.

NOW THE CANDIDATES KNOW THEIR

PLACE IN THE HIERARCHY.

DON'T HAVE AS MUCH TIME TO

CHANGE THEIR FORTUNES.

THAT SOMEWHAT CHANGES THE TENOR

OF THE PRIMARYs IT MOVES INTO

SOUTH CAROLINA.

>> WHEN WE GET TO SOUTH

CAROLINA, THIS IS GOING TO BE A

BLOOD-LETTING UNLIKE ANYTHING

WE'VE SEEN BEFORE.

>> THIS IS WHERE THINGS GET

REALLY UGLY.

>> STRAP YOURSELF IN.

>> I THINK IT'S GOING TO BE A

BLOODBATH THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: IT'S OKAY,

MR. TICKLES.

THAT LADY LOOKED LEGITIMATELY

SCARED.

ABOUT WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN

IN SOUTH CAROLINA.

HOW DIFFERENT CAN IT REALLY BE?

WELL, WE'LL SHOW YOU.

HERE'S THE ADVERTISEMENTS NEWT

GINGRICH WAS RUNNING IN IOWA.

>> SOME PEOPLE SAY THE AMERICA

WE KNOW AND LOVE IS A THING OF

THE PAST.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

WORKING TOGETHER, WE CAN AND

WILL REBUILD THE AMERICA WE

LOVE.

I'M NEWT GINGRICH, AND I APPROVE

THIS MESSAGE.

>> Jon: WHY WOULDN'T YOU?

THAT'S A FICTIONAL COUNTRY

ANYONE WOULD WANT TO LIVE IN.

AND HERE'S THE ADVERTISEMENT

NEWT GINGRICH IS RUNNING IN

SOUTH CAROLINA.

>> ROMNEY APPOINTED A

PRO-ABORTION JUDGE, EXPANDED

ACCESS TO ABORTION PILLS.

ROMNEY SIGNED

GOVERNMENT-MANDATED HEALTH CARE

WITH TAX-PAIR FUNDED BORINGS.Ñi

HE CAN'T BE TRUSTEDFUL

>> I'M NEWT GINGRICH AND I

APPROVED THIS MESSAGE.

>> Jon: WEARING THE SAME TIE.

MY GOD NEW YORK TWO WEEKS WE'VE

GONE FROM THIS TO THIS.

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, WE'VE GOT FULL TEAM

COVERAGE OF THE SUDDEN SHIFT IN

ELECTORAL TONE AS THE CAMPAIGN

MOVES INTO SOUTH CAROLINA.

AASIF MANDVI, YOU'RE FIRST UP.

WHERE EXACTLY ARE YOU RIGHT NOW?

>> WELL, I'M IN COLUMBIA, SOUTH

CAROLINA, ABOUT 100 MILES

INLAND.

SO THE PRIMARY HASN'T REALLY HIT

HERE YET, BUT RESIDENTS ARE

PEEPING FOR THE WORST.

THEY'RE CHECKING CANNED FOOD.

THED FROM OF NEGATIVITY IS

PREDICTED TO REACH AT LEAST

CHEST HIGH.

THE

>> Jon: AASIF, WHAT SHOULD

PEOPLE IN THE DIRECT PATH OF THE

CAMPAIGN DO?

>> THEY SHOULD HEAD FOR THE HIGH

MORAL GROUND AND HUG YOUR LOVED

ONES CLOSE AND FOR GOODNESS

SAKE, STAY AWAY FROM TVS AND

RADIOS.

[HURRICANE SIREN SOUNDS]

>> IT'S A WARNING SIREN.

IT COULD BE AN INCOMING CAMPAIGN

BUS.

IT COULD BE A DRILL.

>> Jon: DON'T TAKE ANY

CHANCES, AASIF.

>> I WON'T.

WE'RE HEADING IN.

>> Jon: JASON JONES, MYRTLE

BEACH, JASON, WHAT ARE YOU

SEEING DOWN THERE?

>> JON, THIS COSTAL AREA IS

BEING HIT PRETTY HARD.

THE OUTER EDGE OF THE CAMPAIGN

STRUCK AROUND 6:00 A.M., AND

WE'VE BEEN SLAMMED WITH ROBO

CALLS AND CHARACTER ATTACK ADS.

>> Jon: WASN'T SOUTH CAROLINA

PREPARED FOR THIS?

THEY'VE WEATHERED CAMPAIGNS

BEFORE.

THIS IS THE STATE WHERE JOHN

McCAIN WAS ACCUSED OF HAVING

AN ILLEGITIMATE BLACK BABY.

>> THAT'S A CATEGORY 3 SMEAR.

THIS COULD BE A CATEGORY 4 OR 5.

JUST THIS MORNING I WITNESSED

ABUSIVE SKYWRITING AT A ROMNEY

EVENT.

ALTHOUGH I HAVE TO SAY, YOU

CAN'T HELP BUT BE IMPRESSED AT

THAT ARROW PLACEMENT.

IT IS REALLY WINDY OUT HERE.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, JASON

JONES, THANK YOU.

NOW WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER OF OUR

NEWS TEAM.

WE'RE VERY EXCITED.

JESSICA WILLIAMS, SHE HAS JOINED

US FOR HER FIRST CAMPAIGN

ASSIGNMENT.

JESSICA, WELCOME ABOARD.

ARE YOU THERE?

>> [SCREAMING]

ROBO CALLS.

I DISTRIBUTED SMEARS.

, OH, WHITE PEOPLE.

SUPER PAC.

JON, IT'S HORRIBLE.

DAMN, WHY, WHY?

>>

>> Jon: JESSICA, WHAT

HAPPENED?

>> IT WAS THE FLIP-FLOPPING.

VENTURE CAPITALISTS EVERYWHERE,

WHITE COLLAR T-SHIRT, ABORTION

JOB CREATORS MAN

WAS STABBED IN THE HEART WITH A

CHAMPAGNE FLUTE.

>> Jon: JESSICA, WHO DID THIS?

WAS IT GINGRICH?

[WHALING]

I'M SORRY.

I KNOW.

OTHER THAN WHAT'S HAPPENED, HOW

DO YOU LIKE BEING PART OF THE

TEAM SO FAR?

>> I HATE IT.

JON, THIS IS THE WORST.

IT'S BAD.

IT'S VERY BAD.

I FEEL DEAD INSIDE.

[LAUGHTER]

I NEVER WANTED THIS.

[SOBBING]

>> Jon: WELL, WELCOME ABOARD,

JESSICA.

>> UH-UH, NO, NO, NO, PLEASE

FIRE ME.

>> Jon: NO.

I'M NOT.

YOU ARE STAYING.

JESSICA WILLIAMS, EVERYBODY.

THE BEST NEWS TEAM EVER.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

JOIN US TOMORROW NIGHT AT 11:00.

DOLLY PARTON WILL BE HERE.

HERE IT, IS YOUR MOMENT OF ZEN.

>> ROMNEY'S TAX PLAN WOULD

INCREASE TAXES FOR FAMILIES

MAKING LESS THAN $40,000 AND A

MILLIONAIRE WILL SEE HIS TAXES

DROP BY ALMOST 5%.

>> THERE'S A TECHNICAL TERM FOR

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