June 21, 2011 - Cameron Diaz

  • Episode: 16080
  • (0)

PolitiFact checks Fox News for false statements, and Cameron Diaz removes Jon's stitches.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: WELCOME TO THE DAIL

SHOW.

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

OUR GUEST TONIGHT, DR. CAMERON

DIAZ.

THAT WILL MAKE SENSE LATER ON IN

THE PROGRAM.

YOU WILL SEE.

SHE HAS GRACIOUSLY AGREED TO

PERFORM A SURGICAL PROCEDURE

ON...

[LAUGHTER]

ON TONIGHT'S PROGRAM.

A QUICK WORD BEFORE WE GET GOING

TO THE TOURIST COMMUNITY, TO THE

VISITORS TO THIS GREAT LAND OF

OURS.

IF YOU'VE BEEN HERE EIGHT

MONTHS, YOU LIVE HERE.

YOU LIVE HERE.

YOU'RE NOT FROM VENEZUELA.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

DONDE ESTA YOU'RE MINE.

SEVEN YEARS OF SPANISH, ALL I

REMEMBER.

[LAUGHTE

DONDE ESTA.

LET'S BEGIN TONIGHT PERHAPS IN

AMERICA, THE LAND OF

OPPORTUNITY, WHERE THE STREETS

ARE PAVED WITH LET'S SAY

CINNABUNS.

[LAUGHTER]

AND YET WE ARE NATION BESIEGED

WITH PROBLEMS, PROBLEMS WE MUST

SOLVE.

PROBLEM NUMBER ONE, OUR GOOEY,

RAT-INFESTED CINNABUN-PAVED

STREETS.

WHY DID WE DO THAT?

THAT WAS A DOPEY MATERIAL TO

PAVE OUR STREETS WITH.

[LAUGHTER]

WE'RE GOING TO NEED COMMON-SENSE

SOLUTIONS TO OUR PROBLEMS IF

WE'RE NOT JUST GOING TO WIN THE

FUTURE BUT MAKE SURE THAT

EVERYONE ELSE LOSES IT.

[LAUGHTER]

LET'S START WITH A SIMPLE

PROBLEM: MEXICAN DRUG CARTELS.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY'RE ENGAGED IN A BLOODY

CAMPAIGN OF DEATH AND

DESTRUCTION, OFTEN FUELED BY

ASSAULTED RIFLES.

THEIR GUN RUNNERS CROSS OUR

BORDERS TO EASILY PURCHASE.

I ASSUME A COUPLE POSSIBLE

SOLUTIONS MIGHT BE IMPROVE OUR

BORDER SECURITY, RESTRICT RIFLE

SALES TO NON-MEXICAN DRUG CAR

TELL MEMBERS.

[LAUGHTER]

LET'S SEE WHAT OUR OWN BUREAU OF

ALCOHOL, TOBACCO & FIREARMS HAS

COME UP WITH.

>> IT'S A GOVERNMENT PROGRAM

CALLED "OPERATION FAST AND

FURIOUS."

>> U.S. FIREARMS AGENTS SAY

SUPERIOR OFFICERS SPECIFICALLY

TOLD THEM NOT TO INTERVENE AS

THEY SECRETLY WATCHED WHILE GUN

RUNNERS PURCHASED ILLEGAL

FIREARMS IN THE UNITED STATES

AND SENT THEM TO MEXICO.

>> THE A.T.F. OFFICIALS THOUGHT,

IF WE COULD JUST TRACK THESE

GUNS AND SEE WHERE THEY'RE

GOING, MAYBE WE CAN ARREST THE

CARTEL LEADERS WHO ARE USING

THESE GUNS.

>> Jon: MAYBE.

[LAUGHTER]

OR...

[LAUGHTER]

SO ONCE THESE DRUG CARTEL

RUNNERS TOOK THE GUNS TO MEXICO,

HOW DO WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO

THE GUNS?

>> I CAN TELL YOU THAT AFTER A

TRIP TO RADIOSHACK WITH A.T.F.

FUNDS, I MYSELF MANUFACTURED A

G.P.S. TRACKING DEVICE THAT

WOULD FIT INSIDE THE HANDLING OF

AN A.K. VARIANT RIFLE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: JON STEWART, "THE

DAILY SHOW."

I HAVE A QUICK QUESTION.

AS A FREQUENT RADIOSHACK

CUSTOMER, I MAY BE QUALIFIED TO

TELL YOU WHAT MAY BE AN ISSUE

WITH YOUR PLAN, BUT GO AHEAD.

>> THE PROBLEM WITH IT WAS THE

LIMITED BATTERY LIFE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: SEE, THE BATTERIES AT

RADIOSHACK ARE DESIGNED TO WORK

WITH ONE OF THOSE LITTLE REMOTE

CONTROL HELICOPTERS THAT WORK...

ONCE.

[LAUGHTER]

SO NOW THAT WE KNOW THE G.P.S.

TRACKING SYSTEM FOR THE ASSAULT

RIFLES WE SOLD MEXICAN CARTELS

DIDN'T WORK, HOW DO WE FIND OUT

WHERE THE GUNS ARE?

WHAT IS PLAN "B"?

>> THE ONLY WAY YOU'RE GOING TO

FIND THOSE GUNS IN MEXICO IS

WHERE?

>> AT CRIME SCENES IN WHICH

EITHER THE BAD GUY WAS KILLED

AND HIS GUN WAS LEFT AT THE

SCENE OR USED DURING THE

COMMISSION OF A CRIME IN WHICH

THE GUN WAS LEFT BEHIND.

>> Jon: OKAY.

[LAUGHTER]

SO OUR PLAN TO PREVENT AMERICAN

GUNS FROM BEING USED IN MEXICAN

GANG VIOLENCE IS TO PROVIDE

MEXICAN GANGS AMERICAN GUNS.

[LAUGHTER]

TO USE ACCORDING TO OUR PLAN.

[LAUGHTER]

HOW EXACTLY DID WE CONVINCE THE

MEXICAN GOVERNMENT TO COOPERATE

IN THIS, LET'S CALL IT "A PLAN."

>> THEY WEREN'T COOPERATING

PARTLY BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T KNOW

ABOUT IT.

THEY WERE NEVER INFORMED THAT

THIS OPERATION WAS TAKING PLACE.

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: IF MEXICO ISN'T

COOPERATING, EVEN IF THERE WAS

VIOLENCE WHERE THE GUNS WAS LEFT

BEHIND, HOW WOULD WE FIND... YOU

KNOW WHAT, NEVER MIND.

IF THIS IS THE PLAN THAT THEY

WENT WITH, WHAT PLAN DID WE

REJECT?

[LAUGHTER]

HEY, I GOT IT, LET'S PUT A TINY

MICROPHONE IN EVERY BULLET.

[LAUGHTER]

AND WE HOPE THAT WHEN THE BAD

GUYS, THE CRIMINALS, YOU KNOW,

WHEN THRIER SHOOTING PEOPLE,

THEY SAY THEIR NAME, LIKE NOBODY

[BLEEPED] WITH ALONZO GUTIERREZ.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I'M GOING TO ASSUME THIS WAS

SOME LITTLE-BRAIN, GIANT-BALLS

IDEA COMING OUT OF THE A.T.F.

OFFICE.

THE A.T.F.'S RESPONSIBLE ADULTS

LIKE THEIR ACTING DIRECTOR KEN

MELSON, HE DIDN'T KNOW.

>> MEMOS RELEASED LAST WEEK SHOW

THAT MELSON NOT ONLY KNEW ABOUT

OPERATION "FAST AND FURIOUS,"

BUT HE GOT WEEKLY BRIEFINGS.

>> THE ACTING DIRECTOR OF THE

A.T.F. HAS SET UP A VIDEO FEED

IN HIS OFFICE SO HE COULD WATCH

SOME OF THOSE STRAW BUYS TAKING

PLACE.

>> Jon: YOU'RE BAITING ME.

[LAUGHTER]

SO THE HEAD OF THE A.T.F. DIDN'T

JUST KNOW ABOUT THIS PLAN, HE

WAS TIVO-ING IT.

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, NOT TO WORRY, FOLKS, THE

HOUSE OVERSIGHT COMMITTEE HAS

LAUNCHED AN INVESTIGATION, AND

THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE, OF

WHICH THE A.T.F. IS A

SUBSIDIARY, IS FULLY COOPERATING

WITH IT.

THEY HANDED IN A 900-PAGE REPORT

TO THE CONGRESSIONAL COMMITTEE

DETAILING THE ENTIRE BUYING OF

ASSAULT RIFLES OPERATION.

>> SIR, IF YOU'RE GOING TO COUNT

PAGES LIKE THIS AS DISCOVERY,

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF

YOURSELF.

THE PAGES GO ON LIKE THIS

FOREVER.

YOU HAVE GIVEN US BLACK PAPER

INSTEAD OF WHITE PAPER.

YOU MIGHT OF WELL HAS GIVEN US A

REAM STILL IN ITS ORIGINAL

BINDER.

>> Jon: WHAT?

NO, NO, YOU DON'T GET IT.

YOU'RE UPSET?

THEY GAVE YOU... THOSE ARE

PRIZED MONDRIANS FROM HIS FAMED

BLACK PERIOD.

THEY'RE PRICELESS.

I MEAN WORTHLESS.

ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT, LET'S

CHECK SOMETHING.

IF WE RUN A GRAPHICS FILTER TO

REMOVE THE REDACTION, MAYBE WE

CAN SEE WHAT THE D.O.J. IS

>> Jon: HEY, WELCOME BACK.

SO AS WE'VE BEEN DISCUSSING THIS

WEEK, I CHATTED WITH CHRIS

WALLACE SUNDAY ABOUT "SOUTH

PARK," PRESIDENT OBAMA, AND I

MAY HAVE DURING THE INTERVIEW

MENTIONED THAT FOX NEWS VIEWERS

ARE "THE MOST CONSISTENTLY

MISINFORMED MEDIA VIEWERS," THE

MOST CONSISTENTLY MISINFORMED.

AS IT TURNS OUT, I WAS

MISINFORMED.

WHICH SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN

SURPRISING, BECAUSE I DO WATCH A

LOT OF FOX NEWS.

DAMMIT!

I DID IT AGAIN.

WAIT.

[APPLAUSE]

DON'T APPLAUD MY IGNORANCE.

POLITIFACT, THE NON-PARTISAN

FACT-CHECKING GUY OR GUYS OR

GIRL, THOROUGHLY RESEARCHED MY

STATE, AND THEY FOUND THAT WHILE

IN TWO OF THE NEWS SURVEY, FOX

NEWS VIEWERS SCORED THE LOWEST,

IN OTHER POLLS THEY WERE MERELY

NEAR THE BOTTOM.

[LAUGHTER]

SOME OF FOX NEWS INDIVIDUAL

SHOWS SCORED AS MORE INFORMED OF

LET'S SAY VIEWERS OF, I DON'T

KNOW, THIS SHOW.

SO THANKS FOR FACT [BLEEPED] ME,

STONERS.

GET A JOB!

[APPLAUSE]

WE CAN'T ALL TEACH WORLD

HISTORY.

ANYWAY, ULTIMATELY POLITIFACT

DECLARED MY STATEMENT FALSE.

I DEFER TO THEIR JUDGMENT, AND I

APOLOGIZE FOR MY MISTAKE.

TO NOT DO SO WOULD BE

IRRESPONSIBLE.

IF I WERE TO CONTINUE TO MAKE

SUCH MISTAKES AND MISSTATEMENTS

AND NOT CORRECT THEM, ESPECIALLY

IF EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THOSE

MISSTATEMENTS HAPPENED TO GO IN

ONE VERY PARTICULAR DIRECTION ON

THE POLITICAL SPECTRUM, WELL,

THAT WOULD UNDERMINE THE VERY

INTEGRITY AND CREDIBILITY THAT I

WORK SO HARD TO PRETEND TO CARE

ABOUT.

LAFTD

[LAUGHTER]

HEY, I KNOW POLITICAL FACT

CHECKS MOSTLY POLITICAL

STATEMENT, BUT HAS POLITIFACT

EVER CHECKED FOX FOR FALSE

STATEMENTS?

I'M HEARING THEY HAVE.

[LAUGHTER]

HERE'S ONE NOW.

FOX SAID LESS THAN 10% OF

OBAMA'S CABINET APPOINTEES HAVE

WORKED IN THE PRIVATE SECTOR.

POLITIFACT SAYS THAT'S FALSE.

FOX SAID THE WHITE HOUSE

POLITICAL DIRECTOR ONCE SERVED

AS RIGHT-HAND MAN TO THE ACORN

CHIEF.

POLITIFACT SAYS FALSE.

TEXAS BOARD OF EDUCATION MAY

ELIMINATE REFERENCES TO

CHRISTMAS AND THE CONSTITUTION

FROM TEXTBOOKS.

BOY, THAT SOUNDS SCARY.

POLITIFACT SAYS FALSE.

[LAUGHTER]

HEALTH CARE REFORM IS A

GOVERNMENT TAKEOVER OF HEALTH

CARE.

I REMEMBER THAT ONE.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT ONE WAS ALL OVER FOX.

THEY WERE RUNNING WILD ON THAT

ONE.

HEY, THIS IS EXCITING.

THAT WAS THE POLITIFACT 2010 LIE

OF THE YEAR.

CONGRATULATIONS, GUYS.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

CONGRATULATIONS.

BY THE WAY, THE CORRECTION FOR

THAT ONE WAS ISSUED, OH, WHEN

MONKEYS FLEW OUT OF VIDAL

SASSOON'S ASS.

THAT'S RANDOM.

WHERE WERE WE?

THE MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD HAS

OPENLY STATED THEY WANT TO

DECLARE WAR ON ISRAEL.

FALSE.

AMERICAN TROOPS HAVE NEVER BEEN

UNDER THE FORMAL CONTROL OF

ANOTHER NATION.

THAT SOUNDS BAD.

FALSE.

FLORIDA REPUBLICAN, GOVERNOR

RICK SCOTT'S APPROVAL RATINGS

ARE UP.

FALSE.

IT'S GETTING A LITTLE CROWDED.

MASSACHUSETTS HEALTH CARE PLAN

IS WILDLY UNPOPULAR AMONG STATE

RESIDENTS.

FALSE.

THERE'S BEEN MORE DEBT UNDER

OBAMA THAN ALL OTHER PRESIDENTS

COMBINED.

FALSE.

THE HEALTH CARE BILL INCLUDES

DEATH PANELS.

WOW, THAT WAS THE 2009

POLITIFACT LIE OF THE YEAR.

WOW.

[APPLAUSE]

FOX NEWS IS LIKE A LYING

DYNASTY.

THEY'RE LIKE THE NEW ENGLAND

PATRIOTS OF LYING.

WITHOUT THE "PATRIOT" PART

BECAUSE I THINK WE KNOW PATRIOTS

CANNOT TELL A LIE.

WOW.

I'M GETTING TIRED.

I THINK I'M GOING TO HAVE TO

HAVE A SNACK HERE, A LITTLE

TRAIL MIX.

PROTEIN AND FRUIT.

IT GIVES YOU THAT ENERGY BURST

TO CLIMB MOUNT FIB.

[LAUGHTER]

CASH FOR CLUNKERS WILL GIVE

GOVERNMENT COMPLETE ACCESS TO

YOUR HOME COMPUTER.

FALSE.

HALTING GULF DRILLING COSTS $8

BILLION A DAY IN IMPORTS.

THAT ONE GOT A "PANTS ON FIRE"

RATING.

THAT'S LIKE THE FILET MIGNON OF

[BLEEPED].

DEMOCRATS PLAN LARGEST TAX

INCREASE IN HISTORY.

FALSE.

ERIC HOLDER WAS INVOLVED IN THE

DISMISSAL OF CRIMINAL CHARGES

AGAINST NEW BLACK PANTHERS.

FALSE.

OBAMA VOTED PRESENT IN THE U.S.

SENATE QUITE OFTEN.

FALSE.

WHITE HOUSE SCIENCE ADVISOR JOHN

HOLDREN PROPOSED FORCED

ABORTIONS AND PUTTING STERILANTS

IN DRINKING WATER.

[LAUGHTER]

PANTS ON FIRE.

LABOR UNION PRESIDENT ANDY STERN

IS THE MOST FREQUENT VISITOR AT

WHITE HOUSE.

FALSE.

AMERICA IS THE ONLY COUNTRY WITH

AUTOMATIC CITIZENSHIP UPON

BIRTH.

FALSE.

O'REILLY NEVER CALLED GEORGE

TILLER A BABY KILLER, ONLY

REPORTING WHAT OTHERS CALLED

HIM.

FALSE.

ONLY FOX NEWS PICKED UP THAT

ANITA DUNN SAID MAO WAS ONE OF

HER FAVORITE PHILOSOPHERS.

FALSE.

NOBODY AT FOX NEWS EVER SAID

YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL IF YOU

DON'T BUY HEALTH INSURANCE.

THAT'S PANTS ON FIRE.

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, THEY

GOT A LOT OF [BLEEPED]

CORRECTING TO DO.

WELCOME BACK TO MY GUEST

TONIGHT, AN ACTRESS, HER NEW

FILM IS CALLED "BAD TEACHER."

>> HEY, WELCOME BACK.

A BUNCH OF US ARE GOING OUT

TONIGHT TO SEE PERIOD FIVE PLAY.

DO YOU WANT TO COME?

>> PERIOD FIVE?

>> YEAH, THE TEACHER BAND.

>> I RATHER GET SHOT IN THE

FACE.

>> HEY.

>> HEY!

>> SO ARE YOU GUYS COMING TO THE

PALACE TONIGHT.

MY BAND'S GOING TO DO A FEW

SONGS.

>> YOU'RE IN PERIOD FIVE.

>> YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE NEW

RHYTHM GUITARIST AND BACK-UP

VOCALIST.

SHOULD BE FUN.

>> SHOULD BE AMAZING.

LYNN, YOU WANT TO COME.

>> YES, YES.

>> Jon: PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO

THE PROGRAM CAMERON DIAZ.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

HELLO, YOUNG LADY.

>> GOOD TO BE HERE.

>> Jon: NICE TO SEE YOU.

>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jon: PLEASURE TO HAVE YOU

ON THE SHOW AGAIN.

>> IT'S SO GREAT TO SEE YOU.

I'M ALWAYS SO HAPPY WHEN I GET

ASKED BACK TO COME.

>> Jon: WE'RE VERY EXCITED TO

HAVE YOU HERE BECAUSE THIS IS A

SPECIAL OCCASION.

>> IT IS A SPECIAL OCCASION.

>> Jon: ABOUT TWO WEEKS AGO I

HAD STITCHES IN THE WRIST.

YOU HAVE VERY GRACIOUSLY OFFERED

TO PERFORM A DESTITCHING.

>> YES, I'VE OFFERED MY SKILLS

AS A PROFESSIONAL.

>> Jon: NOW YOU ARE NOT IN ANY

WAY... YOU ARE NOT A DOCTOR?

ARE YOU A DOCTOR?

>> DEFINE IF I AM... I PLAYED A

TEACHER.

>> Jon: OKAY.

SO HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.

YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU'RE PROMOTING

THIS MOVIE ALL AROUND,,'S GOING

TO KNOW ABOUT IT, GREAT MOVIE,

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BUT WHAT YOU

WANT TO DO HERE, THIS IS WHAT I

CALLED THE DOCTOR TODAY, AND HE

SAID THAT YOU CAN DO THIS.

HOLD ON, LET'S MOVE THIS OUT,

THERE YOU GO.

YOU SEE IT.

REALLY, THAT GROSSES YOU OUT?

YOU JUST SPENT LIKE FIVE HOURS

STANDING ON 11th AVENUE IN

NEW YORK CITY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THERE YOU GO.

NOW, YOU SAID FIRST THING YOU

WANT TO DO IS STERILIZE IT, SO

I'M ASSUMING THAT...

>> I'M GLAD YOU CALLED HIM AND

ASKED HIM BECAUSE I WOULD NEVER

HAVE STERILIZE THEM.

>> Jon: IS THAT TRUE?

>> NEVER.

WHY WOULD YOU?

THEY'RE CLEAN, AREN'T THEY?

>> Jon: I GUESS TO PREVENT

TYPHOID.

>> OF COURSE YOU STERILIZE THEM.

EVERY PROFESSIONAL KNOWS THAT.

>> Jon: AS YOU'RE DOING

THIS...

>> DO YOU THINK I'VE NEVER DONE

THIS BEFORE?

>> Jon: I DO KIND OF THINK

YOU'VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE.

>> I HAVE DONE THIS BEFORE.

>> Jon: SO YOU ARE A DOCTOR.

>> I AM A DOCTOR.

>> Jon: WAIT, MOVE YOUR HEAD

BECAUSE PEOPLE WANT TO SEE.

>> OH, SORRY.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: DO YOU NEED TO BE ABLE

TO SEE IT WHEN YOU DO IT?

TELL ME ABOUT YOUR MOVIE.

MOTHER [BLEEPED]!

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.

THE FIRST ONE IS A GOOD ONE.

>> DID IT REALLY HURT?

>> Jon: NEW YORK I WAS JUST

KIDDING.

I WAS TRYING TO CREATE LIKE

DRAMA OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

>> WAIT.

HOLD ON A SECOND.

WHAT ARE THESE TWEEZERS.

>> OH, I USE THOSE FOR MY

UNIBROW.

>> HOLD ON.

I GOT IT.

>> Jon: WHY ARE YOUR HANDS

SHAKING?

OKAY.

THAT DOESN'T FEEL GOOD.

OKAY.

COOL.

>> THAT'S FIRST ONE.

>> Jon: THAT'S FIRST ONE.

>> OKAY.

SO ELIZABETH, SHE'S A HORRIBLE

PERSON.

>> Jon: REALLY?

>> SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT

ANYBODY BUT HERSELF.

>> Jon: RIGHT.

>> I DON'T KNOW IF THESE ARE

READY TO COME OUT, TO TELL YOU

THE TRUTH.

WHO GOT THESE SCISSORS?

>> Jon: I MADE THEM.

>> YOU MADE THEM?

>> Jon: OUT OF A SCHIV I HAD.

>> THEY SHOULD BE REALLY SUPER

POINTY.

>> Jon: I KNOW.

>> MY MOUTH IS SALIVATING.

>> Jon: IS THAT TRUE?

>> I'M FROTHING AT THE MOUTH I'M

SO EXCITED.

>> Jon: CAN YOU DO ME FAVOR?

CAN YOU NOT DROOL ON MY HAND

BECAUSE I DON'T THINK THAT IS

CONSIDERED SANITARY.

>> I PROMISE I WON'T.

THIS IS FROM PRESCHOOL WHEN THEY

CUT INTO CARDBOARD, LIKE

CONSTRUCTION PAPER.

I NEED SOMETHING WITH A POINT

FOR GOD'S SAKE.

IT'S BLUPTD.

>> Jon: I DON'T HAVE A SERIES

OF SURGICAL INSTRUMENTS HERE.

>> WAIT, DIDN'T WE KNOW WE WERE

DOING THIS?

>> Jon: I DIDN'T THINK OF IT.

>> I WAS SO EXCITED.

>> Jon: I THOUGHT, WOULDN'T IT

BE FUNNY IF CAMERON CUT OUT MY

STITCHES, AND CLEARLY I WAS

WRONG.

[LAUGHTER]

SO IS THIS MOVIE...

>> ARE YOU...

>> Jon: JUST PULL IT.

>> I CAN'T PULL IT.

>> Jon: IT'S NOT COMING.

I'LL DO IT.

>> GET OUT OF HERE.

THIS IS NO SCISSOR.

THIS SCISSOR ACTUALLY DOESN'T

CUT.

>> Jon: IT'S BLUNT.

DIG IT IN THERE.

THAT'S THE WAY TO GET IT.

>> DOES ANYBODY HAVE A PAIR OF

SCISSORS ON THEM?

NO, NO, NO, DON'T PULL IT.

>> Jon: THAT'S COMING.

>> IF YOU DON'T CUT THE OTHER

END, YOU'RE GOING TO PULL THE

WHOLE LOOP AND IT'S GOING TO

TAKE THE FLESH.

>> Jon: ISN'T THIS AWESOME?

HEY, CAN I ASK YOU GUYS A

QUESTION?

>> GOT IT.

I HAD TO UNKNOT IT WITH IT.

HOLD ON.

NEXT ONE IS...

>> Jon: MAAAA.

>> I'M JUST GOING TO UNTIE

THESE.

>> Jon: WHAT?

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: YOU CAN'T UNTIE THEM.

>> NO, NO, NO, IT'S GOING TO BE

UNTIED.

>> Jon: YOUR JUST GOING TO

UNTIE THEM.

>> I'M JUST GOING TO UNTIE THEM.

>> Jon: JUST REOPEN THE WOUND.

>> NOT YET.

OH, I GOT IT.

>> Jon: OH, YEAH.

>> OH, YEAH.

>> Jon: THAT'S... OKAY.

YEAH, THAT'S NICE.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S NICE ABOUT THAT?

THAT ONE ACTUALLY REALLY HURT.

>> DID IT REALLY?

>> Jon: A LITTLE BIT.

LET ME CUT THE TOP OFF AND THEN

YOU CAN PULL THEM OUT.

SO WAIT.

TELL ME ABOUT THIS MOVIE, AND

WHY IT WAS...

>> YOU'RE REALLY BUMMING ME OUT

BECAUSE I CAN'T... THAT'S MY

JOB.

>> Jon: YEAH.

THERE'S PLENTY IN THERE FOR YOU,

TOO.

THERE YOU GO.

WAIT.

DID IT WORK.

CAN YOU PULL THAT OUT?

CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING?

THIS IS WHY TALK SHOWS PLAN

CONVERSATION.

>> GOT IT.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jon: BECAUSE AT A CERTAIN

POINT, IT REALLY IS JUST ALL

ABOUT A SURGICAL PROCEDURE.

I CLEARLY DID NOT CUT THAT ONE.

>> NO, CUT THAT ONE.

THE GREAT THING ABOUT THIS IS WE

ARE NOT... OH, GOOD JOB.

>> Jon: THANKS, BROTHER.

>> WE'RE ALMOST DONE.

WE'RE ALMOST DONE.

>> Jon: WE HAVE TO DO ONE MORE

OTHERWISE PEOPLE WILL BE LIKE,

DUDE, THROW IT ON THE WEB.

>> I'LL HOLD IT UP, YOU SNIP IT.

>> Jon: CAN I TELL YOU

SOMETHING?

I THINK THAT'S IT.

TELL ME WHEN YOUR MOVIE IS

OPENING.

>> IT'S THE 24th, ON FRIDAY.

>> Jon: TELL ME HOW AWESOME IT

IS.

OKAY.

ALMOST.

>> THE SCISSORS ARE... YOU GOT

IT.

YOU GOT IT.

YOU GOT IT.

OH.

HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

>> Jon: I CAN'T BELIEVE

THERE'S ACTUAL SUSPENSE

BUILDING.

ALL RIGHT.

PULL IT OUT.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

"BAD TEACHER" OPENS ON FRIDAY.

CAMERON DIAZ.

>> Jon: THAT'S ALL FOR TODAY'S

DR. OZ SHOW.

[LAUGHTER]

JOIN ME TOMORROW WHEN I HAVE AN

ABSCESS DRAINED.

[LAUGHTER]

BY CATHERINE ZETA-JONES.

HERE IT IS, YOUR MOMENT OF ZEN.

[BABIES CRYING]

>> YOU OKAY, BABY?

>> THEY'RE FIGHTING OVER A

BOTTLE.

>> OH, NO.

OH.

>> OH, YEAH.

>> CAN I GET A QUICK PICTURE?

>> COME ON.

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